Homecoming
by colormetheworld
Summary: Dominic Bianchi has Jane for almost a year. It changes her. It changes all of them.
1. Return to Me

Jane Rizzoli comes to the funeral.

At first, Maura isn't sure that it's her. It's been almost five years, and this tall, dark woman striding across the parking lot towards the church is thin, and much too jagged looking.

And she has a child.

But no, it must be Jane. There is the telltale hand through the hair, the impatient roll of the shoulders. Maura watches as she turns and extends a hand to the little girl behind her, ungloved in the cold November wind. Yes, those long fingers belong to Jane. There can be no mistaking them.

Frost comes up beside the doctor, and when he looks where she is looking, his face registers nothing but shock.

"Is that…"

Maura nods, but she can't take her eyes off the little girl.

"Wow," Frost says. There doesn't seem to be anything else to say. Together, they watch the woman they used to know stop at the door to the church and bend down to pick the child up into her arms. She turns then, and her brown eyes sweep the parking lot, falling on Maura and Frost staring at her.

It is Jane, tall and willowy, dressed in dark dress pants and a long dark coat turned up at the collar. The girl in her arms says something, and Jane turns her attention away, nodding and murmuring back, the wind carrying pieces of her words back.

 _Yes_ , and _we'll see_ …

And _sweetheart_.

"I didn't think she would come," Frost says, shaking Maura from her daze.

She swallows, trying to make her mouth respond. "Ne-neither did I…I sent her the clipping, of course. She knew Beatty, worked with him a couple of times too."

Frost nods. "She _trained_ him," he says. "But I didn't think…" he trails off as Jane looks towards them again, and then turns swiftly, and heads into the church.

…

 _She comes back._

 _Maura knew she would. There was not one minute during the one hundred and seventy seven days that Maura did not believe she would._

 _She is bruised and battered, twenty one pounds lighter, with dark dark circles under her eyes. But she is back, and Maura stands outside the hospital room, bouncing on the balls of her feet._

 _"Who better than me?" She asks, spreading her arms out._

 _It was Korsak's team that found her, finally, on the outskirts of the city, and it's Korsak who stands there now, not letting her in._

 _"Doc," he says in the tone that tells her she's missing something. "It might be better if somone who doesn't know her…who hasn't been…" he trails off, trying to find the words._

 _Maura can feel anger and panic starting to twist the floor underneath her feet. She blinks, and fury is hot and neon behind her eyes._

 _"I'm a fully trained, fully licensed-" She begins, but Korsak cuts her off again._

 _"You're her girlfriend," he says, and she stares at him. He looks a little guilty. "Jane told Frost and me a few days before she disappeared. I know you guys wanted to wait and work it out with her mom…but she couldn't…"_

 _Maura shakes her head. "That doesn't make a difference," she says, trying to keep calm. "It doesn't matter. And if it does, then only to underscore the importance of me going in there first," she can hear her voice rising and can do nothing to stop it. "She's got to be terrified. I'm not just going to let some stranger attending walk in there and-"_

 _"Maura she's been assaulted."_

 _Korsak has to shout it over her, and for a moment she doesn't understand. Yes, of course she's been assaulted. She was abducted by a psychiatric patient with active delusions and hallucinations. Of course she was beaten, possibly tortured and-_

 _"Oh," it comes out strangled. "Oh…Oh my God."_

 _"Look, Doc," Korsak looks worried she might pass out. "I didn't want you to find out like this…why don't we wait for Angela and-"_

 _But Maura is filled with a new kind of emotion as she tries to pull herself together. For all the definitions of words that she knows, this feeling cannot be nailed down. She draws herself up to her fullest height, and when she does, she can look Korsak in the eyes._

 _"I'm going to see her," she says firmly, and she can hear the authority in her own voice. "I'm going to see her right now. Are you going to try and stop me?"_

 _Korsak shakes his head._

 _._

 _The room is dark and the bed is empty. Maura steps further in, her heart loud in her ears._

 _"Jane," says quietly. "Where are you honey?"_

 _She walks to the bed and turns back to the door, frowning. "Jane," she says again._

 _The brunette advances on her quickly, aggressively, and Maura backs up without thinking, her hands outstretched, placating._

 _"Jane," she says, but she keeps coming, her eyes dark and hollow. They show no recognition. Maura's back hits the wall by the door, and Jane comes right up to her, so that they are almost nose to nose. Maura is saying Jane's name over and over, until the words run together, but the detective does not respond to it. It's like she doesn't even hear it._

 _"It's Maura," the doctor says. "It's me, Jane, it's Maura." Up close like this, she can see the bruising left by Dominic, stark and blue against her throat. She watches Jane swallow._

 _"Don't. Touch. Me." Her voice is deep and rough, but devoid of emotion._

 _"Okay," Maura says at once._

 _"Don't."_

 _"Okay."_

 _Jane's shoulders relax an inch, but she does not back up. Maura has seen her stand this way before, on the mat, when she's waiting for a sparring partner to make the first move._

 _"I'm not going to touch you," Maura says. "I promise."_

 _She looks up into Jane's eyes, feral and unblinking. "Do you know me, Jane?"_

 _Jane swallows again._

 _She doesn't answer._

…

She arrives close to the service and chooses a seat in the back, but the near ecstatic cry of a rookie makes almost everyone turn around.

"Detective Rizzoli!" The name causes a ripple effect through the people already seated in pews, and a couple rows ahead of her, Maura sees Frankie turn around casually, as though he assumes that the call is for him.

"Barry," Maura nudges him urgently, and he tears his eyes away from where the rookie is shaking Jane's hand vigorously to see where she is looking.

Frankie has gone completely pale. He stares towards the back row like he's looking at a ghost, and then, all at once, he clamors to his feet, his eyes still locked on his sister and her daughter. His niece.

"Barry." Maura says, and she's not sure if she wants to stop the scene that is about to take place for Jane's sake or for Frankie's. It is hard to tell which one of them is paler, or which one looks more furious.

"Yeah," he breathes. "On it."

He slips out of the pew and intercepts the younger Rizzoli on his way to the back of the church.

"What the hell?" Frankie's anger makes his voice louder than it should be, and several heads turn back to the front at the sound.

Maura hears Frost say, "Frankie. Frankie…Chill," and then his voice drops too low for her to hear. Maura swallows, and chances a look behind her, at Jane. The brunette is watching Frost and Frankie. Her former partner and her brother. Her face is pale and drawn, and she looks…tired. She looks like she is very, very tired.

She watches as Frost gets Frankie settled back in his seat. Watches as Frost turns to look at her, and incline his head once, before sliding back into his seat next to Maura. And then they are looking at each other.

Maura feels herself stop breathing, as Jane's eyes meet her own, but she is unable to remember how to restart the process. Jane stares at her, barely blinking, like she wants to take as much time looking as possible. Next to Maura, Frost puts his hand on her shoulder, and the doctor watches Jane's eyes flick to him and then to his hand, and then away. She looks down, at her daughter, who is playing with something in her lap, and a lock of hair falls across her face, and Maura can't see her eyes anymore.

…

 _For a while, Jane gets better._

 _She sits up, eats the food that Maura brings her, and submits to the doctor's visit when he comes by during the day._

 _It has been three days since Jane's rescue, and then a week. A month._

 _On the 37th day since she's been home, Jane cracks a joke. She smiles. And when Maura holds out her arms, Jane steps into them tentatively, sighing a little with relief when Maura doesn't fully return her embrace._

 _Maura helps her into an oversized sweatshirt, and a pair of sweatpants._

 _They talk about what they will have for dinner, where they might go to buy Jane new bedsheets, how long they think the summer will last._

 _They do not discuss Jane's inability to handle large portions, or that she needs new sheets because she was sick on her old ones. They don't discuss that it was winter when they last spent time together like this._

 _Angela comes over most days, and most days there is civility. The matter of her daughter's health, it seems, take precedence over all of the other issues the two of them have been having._

 _Jane seems wary and grateful at the same time. Angela wraps the cuts and bruises on her daughter's back and her eyes stay dry._

 _Maura kisses the side of Jane's head or wraps her arms around Jane's waist and Angela does not make a comment._

 _For almost a month, Maura thinks that they will be okay. Her girlfriend will get back on her feet. Angela will come around and accept them._

 _Time will heal everything._

 _And then they get the news. And everything crumbles around them._

 _Jane slips away from them when she hears, losing herself in nightmares, and daymares. She forgets what they look like, who they are, what they want from her._

 _One afternoon, when Maura tries to rouse her from a bad dream, Jane wraps her hands around Maura's neck, eyes wide and asleep, fingers tightening and tightening until Frankie came and yanked her off._

 _After that, she is dead eyed and listless._

 _Maura and Angela are at each other's throats over everything: medications, treatments…what do about the baby._

 _The baby._

 _Sometimes, at night, Maura will run her hands through Jane's hair and whisper to her._

 _"Please," she will say. "Come back. Help us. Help yourself. Baby, lovely, beautiful girl…Don't leave me."_

 _The detective might as well be made of stone._

…

The little girl has cloudy eyes, grey and a little disconcerting. She stares up at Maura with a curious look that is so much like Jane, that Maura feels like she's looking into the past.

Small miracles.

Small miracles, that Jane's child is a girl, that she has dark brown hair and long legs and that she looks just like Jane.

Maura comes across her at the refreshments table after the service. She has somehow divested herself of her mother, and is standing on tiptoes, reaching for a chocolate cupcake that is on a platter on the table. Like she can feel the doctor's eyes on her, the child turns her face from the table, her hand still outstretched, reaching for a cupcake. She appraises the newcomer carefully, waiting to see if Maura is going to tell her she can't have a sweet. When Maura says nothing, she grabs the cupcake off the table and turns to face the doctor fully. "Hi," she says, unafraid, unselfconscious in the way that only children can be.

"Hi," Maura replies when she finds her voice.

"Ma said I could," she says quickly, and Maura smiles, even though she knows this is not the truth.

"Okay, would you like me to unwrap it for you?"

"Ummm," she hesitates, clearly worried that if she gives up her cupcake, she won't get it back.

"They're very good," Maura says, taking another, careful step towards the girl. "I had one earlier."

Jane's daughter sighs, like she's already resigned herself to the loss of her treat, and hands the cupcake over. Maura pulls the little paper wrapping off the bottom half and hands it back to it's stunned looking owner, who takes it and pushes almost half of it into her mouth.

"Fanks," she says, like an afterthought, and she grins up at Maura, a perfect little dimple on each cheek.

"You're welcome," she says, and then, reaching out automatically to wipe the crumbs from the little girl's cheek, "watch your dress."

The child looks down at her forest green dress, velvety and down to her knees. She makes a noise that sounds like, 'mmph," and wrinkles her little nose.

Maura has to clasp her hands together to keep herself from scooping this child up into her arms. "You don't like your dress?" she asks, when she's sure her voice won't shake.

"Wellll," the child says, "it is a dress…and those are not good for most things that are fun," she looks up at Maura, thinking. "Buuttt," she bites her lips for a second. Maura thinks, Jane. "This is a not fun thing. So I guess you gotta wear a not fun dress."

The logic is perfection. Maura nods. "That is very sound reasoning," she says, and the little girl nods, thought she looks unsure as to what that means.

"That man was my Mommy's friend," she says suddenly. "Was he your friend too?"

For a moment, Maura can only nod. Then, "yes. He was."

Contemplation. "Do you know my Mommy?"

And how the hell is she supposed to answer that?

There was a time when she would have nodded immediately, when she might have bordered on bragging as she explained just how well she knew Jane Rizzoli. They had spent more time together than Maura had ever spent with anyone, ever, including her parents, and when they had finally, finally, gotten together, Maura found that she could predict Jane's body almost as well as she'd been able to predict her next sarcastic comment.

"Hellooo?" the little voice pulls Maura out of her reverie and she looks down at the little girl, face pulled into a comical expression of frustration. Oh, she is so much Jane that it hurts.

"Sorry," Maura says, trying to pull her back to reality. "Sorry."

"So do you?" she will not be put off, and she steps closer to the doctor, cupcake gone, "Do you know my Mommy?"

Maura opens her mouth, to say…something. But then-

"Isla!" Doctor and child turn towards the voice. Towards Jane's voice.

"Mama! I wan't even eatin' a cupcake." Classic mistake. Maura watches Jane's darkened expression lighten by a degree. She holds out her hand, and doesn't look at the doctor.

"Come here, chick," she says "Leave the doctor alone."

The little girl looks up at Maura, her mouth moving over the word doctor before she scampers off towards her mother. Jane glances up before turning away, her eyes dark and…fearful.

And Maura…Maura is reeling, her mind replaying that word over and over in her head, a new wave of realization crashing over her each time.

Jane's daughter's name is Isla.

…

 _Maura thinks later that it's the last big fight that pushes Jane over the edge. She must have heard them, must have gotten up for some reason and heard them talking about her like she was a child…or an animal._

 _"She can't just…get rid of it." Angela sounds horrified that anyone could even make the suggestion._

 _"Ma," Frankie says, his tone somewhere between frustration and exhaustion._

 _"What?" Angela says turning wide eyes on her son. "Am I a monster for wanting to save my grandchild's life?"_

 _Maura puts her hand up quickly, stopping Frankie's furious retort. "It is not a life yet," she says matter of factly. "Scientifically speaking. And we need to think about what's best for Jane…Your daughter. She's been through a tremendous amount of-"_

 _"You think I don't know my own daughter? You don't think I worry for her? What's going to happen to her if she doesn't keep her own child? You don't think she'll feel responsible for the life she took?"_

 _But Frankie can't be kept silent anymore. "It's not a LIFE, Ma," He says angrily. "Maura just said. And if you think that she's just going to keep the child that… that psycho…" he can't say it. His face twists into something ugly that Maura has never seen before. "Just to satisfy your sick need for a grandchild."_

 _Angela looks half angry and half chagrined. "It's not about…" she shoots a look at Maura. "It's not just about…The Bible tells us that-"_

 _"No." Frankie says vehemently, and he points a finger at his mother. "No. No more Bible says bullshit. You tried to ruin them with it," he gestures to Maura, who feels herself blush, "and I will be damned if you try to use it to force something on Jane that she doesn't want."_

 _"I'm not going to let her make the wrong decision," Angela says, her voice rising. "I'm not going to let my daughter live with something for her whole life that she'll regret."_

 _"What about living with a reminder of the past six months of her life, Ma?" Frankie yells. Maura feels like her head is going to explode. She opens her mouth, but cannot think of anything to say that would adequately express the depth of confusion she finds herself in._

 _"She was getting better!" Angela wails. "She was getting better! Eating and talking and walking around on her own."_

 _"She was coping," Maura fills in. "She was compartmentalizing, but she wasn't really healing. It's worked for Jane, in the past. Ignore something until it stops hurting." Maura thinks briefly of Hoyt. "But," she continues, "discovering her pregnancy was an overwhelming setback. It was too much for her psyche to handle, and so dissociation is the only way she knows how to-"_

 _"Oh, BE QUIET!" Angela cries, and Maura closes her mouth, eyes going wide as the other woman continues. "Be quiet, Maura…Doctor," She says the last words bitingly. "How can you be so clinical? My daughter, the woman you say you love, is lying completely absent upstairs, and you want to talk to me about brain functions and compartments, and who knows what else. That is not a patient up there, Maura! That's my daughter. Do you even…Do you even love her at all?"_

 _The words hit the doctor like Angela has slapped her across the face, and she sees Frankie jump to his feet like she's looking through a long tunnel._

 _She is going to pass out._

 _Do you even love her at all?_

 _She does not respond because she cannot respond. Her throat seems to have closed up on her. She can't see and she can't breathe and she can't respond that she loves Jane so much that sometimes she is afraid that she doesn't exist outside of that one, single feeling._

 _She doesn't say anything._

 _The next morning, Jane is gone._

…

They are filing out of the church, when Angela pulls up.

Her car screeches to a halt haphazardly, and Maura is not sure that Angela even stops to turn off the ignition before leaping out, already calling out.

"Janie?"

Frost, standing next to Maura looks over his shoulder, to where Jane is buttoning her daughter's coat. Maura looks too, and sees that the brunette seems paralyzed by the sound of her mother's voice.

"Ahhh, damnit, Frankie," Frost says, sounding frustrated.

"JANE!" Angela nearly sprints up the walk. She throws her arms around her daughter, and begins to sob. "Janie," she says. "How could you….where have you…" she is unable to get a complete sentence out, and as Maura draws closer, she takes in Isla's confused and nervous face and Jane's impassive expression.

Anglea releases her daughter and spins to her granddaughter. "Look at you!" she cries, bending to hug the child.

Isla's face slips into fear, and she backs up. "Ma!" she says, and the name she calls her mother makes Angela cry harder.

"Oh, Janie, why didn't you tell me. Why didn't you come home?"

Frost reaches the three of them before Maura, and he slips between Angela and Isla, shooting a grin at Jane.

"Hey there, little Jane," he says.

This makes the child grin. "I'm not little Jane," she says, giggling. "I'm Isla. Jane's baby!"

"Yeah?" Frost looks dubious. "You sure?"

Isla looks up at Jane, and Maura watches the detective melt a little. She nods and Isla looks back at Frost, really smiling now that she has been given full permission.

Frost smiles back at her, looking a little wonderous. "Did you know that I used to work with your mommy?"

The little girl's eyes light up. "When she was a tector?" Isla's chest puffs up, and she takes Frost's outstretched hand without a glance at her mother. "She was the best, huh?"

"Yes," Frost agrees.

The child looks satisfied. "I knew it."

Maura can't help smiling. For a split second she meets Jane's eyes, smile still in place, and it looks, just for a moment, like Jane is about to smile back at her. But then Angela spins, eyes flashing.

"And you!" She points at Maura, and the pain on her face makes the doctor's heart stand still."You knew she was coming?"

Maura shakes her head, feeling tears burn the backs of her eyes. "No," she begins, but Angela doesn't hear her.

"And look at her," she gestures to Jane, standing with Frost, "Look at both of them. They're fine! That's my granddaughter and she's gorgeous."

Maura shakes her head, but no words occur to her. She closes her eyes, trying to ground herself.

It doesn't seem to matter to Angela. "And you wanted to…You want to-"

"Don't you dare," It's Jane's voice. Maura wipes her eyes and looks up to see the detective step in between them, facing Angela. "Don't you dare go after Maura," she says, and her voice is calm and serious…and deadly. "She did nothing wrong."

Angela stares at her daughter, eyes wild. "You're back," she says, "Frankie called and told me and I thought he was…thought it was…How could you come back into town and…and…" her eyes flick to where Frost is entertaining Isla by making a quarter disappear and reappear from behind her ear. "How could you not tell me?" Angela asks, her voice strained, and she is talking about her granddaughter, and Jane's return, and much, much more.

"I couldn't," Jane says simply, her shoulders rise and then fall.

"You thought I wouldn't find out?" Angela asks, "You thought with Barry here, and Maura and your brother, that I wouldn't find out?" Her voice is desperate, like she's trying to get Jane to react to her, even negatively.

"I knew you'd find out," Jane says, sighing.

"And you didn't TELL me?" Angela's eyes become, if possible, even wider.

Jane looks away, and Maura studies her profile, sharp and dangerous looking. Exquisite.

"I couldn't, Ma," she says again. "I could not."

"Why?" Maura hears her own voice without realizing that she's spoken.

Jane whirls to face her. "What?"

"Why couldn't you?"

Jane clenches her jaw, and Maura watches her hands curl a little by her sides. Even after all this time, even after running away, and giving birth, even after living somewhere else for years, her reaction is so familiar, and so completely correctthat Maura can't suppress a shiver.

"Scared," Jane finally admits, her teeth bared, like she's daring anyone to challenge her.

"What is there to be scared of?" Angela asks bitingly. "What could you have been afraid of? Surrounded by the people who loved you? Who only wanted to take care of you."

"Who had to clean up after me when I threw up on the sofa, or when I shit my pants in that supermarket?" Jane cuts in. "Who whispered that they loved me all night and then discussed me like I didn't exist when they thought I was sleeping?"

Maura shuts her eyes. Angela's voice sounds defensive. "We were trying to discuss what was best for you. We thought-"

"You thought I couldn't hear you. You thought I was beyond saving."

"No!" Maura speaks up, "No, I never thought that. I thought you were…hurt. And I didn't know how to save you."

"You lied to me," Jane says coldly. "All of you. Day in and day out. 'It's your choice, Janie. We'll take care of you no matter what, sweetheart,'" She turns from her mother. "Fucking lies."

"No," Maura says again, "No. I loved you so, so much, Jane."

It is not until she sees Jane's face that she realizes that she's used the past tense. Jane looks like she might cry. and then her face goes hard. "It wasn't love. It was pity. And I couldn't take…I couldn't just let the woman I love sit there and lie to me. Tell me everything was okay when it wasn't. Tell me I was still…tell me she didn't look at me and see victim, see damaged…see filthy."

Her own use of the verb hangs in the air as she turns away from her mother and Maura.

"Janie," Angela's voice is quiet, pleading.

"Go away, Ma," Jane says. Exhaustion.

It is clear that Angela does not want to obey. She stands for a moment, torn, and then she turns and walks away without looking back.

Maura watches her for a moment and then turns to see that Jane is watching her too. She looks hurt.

Jane sighs, and runs a hand through her hair, shutting her eyes, and when she opens them, she looks at Maura. She shrugs her shoulders, as if to say, "that was not my fault," but her eyes stay on Maura's face, asking, "was it?"

"She missed you." Maura says quietly. She glances at Frost, bending to talk to Isla. "We all did."

Jane follows her eyes and then looks away, sighing. "When I got the clipping…I just…I had this overwhelming desire to see all of you…before something…I mean." She sighs again, and Maura can't help but smile.

It is like no time has passed. "I'm glad you came back," she says quietly. This time when Jane looks at her, it feels appraising. Investigatory.

"You look really good," She says. "I…I'm glad I came back and saw that."

How to explain that she is not 'really good?' That she would not even classify herself as 'good.' she looks up into Jane's eyes, and finds she cannot speak.

Jane searches the doctor's face for a moment and then looks away. "Anyway…" she looks towards Frost and Isla, the little girl laughing at something he's said. "I'm really," she pulls her eyes away from the pair, like it hurts her. Maura frowns. "I'm really happy for you," she says.

Maura's frown deepens. "What?" she asks, but Jane is already turning from her.

"Be well," Jane says quietly, and then louder, "Isla! Say good-bye to the magic detective."

Isla turns towards her mother, waving to Frost, who has straightened up and is watching Jane. They spoke for two minutes, and yet he grins and waves at her, and she nearly grins back at him, her own hand lifting once, before reaching down to take her daughter's.

Maura watches her go, something painful and fiery unraveling in her chest.

It wasn't love. It was pity. And I couldn't take…I couldn't just let the woman I loved sit there and lie to me. Tell me everything was okay when it wasn't. Tell me I was still…tell me she didn't look at me and see victim, see damaged…see filthy.

Maura looks up, wide eyed. Jane and her daughter are half a football field away, but she understands now.

"Wait!" She cries. And she starts to run.

…

 _Here is the truth._

 _It is not romantic. Jane hugs her knees to her chest and Maura lathers her hair, trying not to look at the blue and purple, fading to green and yellow, all down her back._

 _"Tilt your head back, honey."_

 _It is not sexy. Jane tilts her head back automatically, and her eyes are empty._

 _Maura tips the cup of water over her best friend's forehead, down through her hair. Rinsing out the soap. It is the fifth time she's done this and her hand stays steady, but some of the water still drips the opposite way, down Jane's nose and into her eyes._

 _The brunette squints and catches her breath, squeezing her eyelids._

 _Maura nearly cheers at this show of emotion. Instead she bites her lip, and keeps her voice soft. "I'm sorry Jane," She says. "Does it burn? I'm sorry."_

 _Jane opens her eyes and looks up into Maura's face. She doesn't answer._

 _After a moment, Jane looks away, wrapping her arms tighter around herself. She's naked, wet, vulnerable. Maura could lean forward right now and kiss the spot behind her ear. She could pull the brunette into her arms, whisper that she would never hurt her. That they will get through it together. That she is not going anywhere._

 _But she dips the cup back into the water, and this time, when she pours it over Jane's head, she cups her other hand above Jane's eyebrows._

 _She wrings the woman's dark hair out, and with a gentle push, she puts Jane's head right again. She closes her eyes and tries to breathe._

 _Maura cannot stand to look at Jane like this._

 _That is the truth._

…

"Wait!" Maura runs towards the car, where Jane is loading Isla into the back. "Wait! Jane!"

The brunette turns, looking curious and scared.

"Maura?"

Jane straightens up, and looks down at the doctor, waiting for her to catch her breath. "I'm not!" she manages, and then, when Jane looks more confused. "I'm not with Barry. He's not my…"

She gasps for breath, and watches as Jane's face changes, understanding creeping over her features.

"You're not?"

"No!" Maura says, hoping her tone conveys conviction, and not incredulity. "I'm not with anyone."

Jane looks down at her feet, thinking this over, "You came together," she says, more to herself than to Maura. "I saw him put his hand on your shoulder. It's not a crazy conclusion to jump to."

Maura's heart breaks a little. It's a technique she knows to be common in a lot of therapies surrounding panic disorders. Evaluate every fact. Do not pay attention to gut feelings, or hunches. Look at what you know to be absolutely true.

For a moment, she wonders at this new, cautious, mother Jane. Then she tries on a smile. "No," she says gently. "It's not."

Jane looks up at her and takes in her smile, but doesn't offer one back. Maura doesn't let it bother her. "You've been getting my letters," she says into the silence. She'd written Jane, at least once a week, first over email, and then in print, when she found her in the city, doing consultation for security teams. Jane had never written back, but Maura had not stopped.

"When you asked if I… she swallows, "After you asked about Isla…I-I wanted to write and tell you…Honestly I did. I just…" she looks around.

But Maura nods, "You couldn't," she says "I know."

Jane looks grateful. Behind her, her daughter presses her face to the window, looking up at the adults, her expression bored and impatient.

"She looks just like you," Maura says.

"Not in the eyes," Jane says, but she grins.

"In what she does with them," Maura says, and Jane looks over her shoulder in time to see Isla pull a face, eyes crossing. Jane chuckles, a sound that is enough like the old her that it makes Maura reach out and grasp her wrist.

Jane starts, catching her breath, her whole body going tense, but she doesn't pull away.

"She's beautiful, Jane," Maura says, like nothing has happened.

Jane's face softens. "I know. I adore her. From the moment they put her in my arms."

Maura swallows, "Her name," she begins, unsure about how she will end. But Jane cuts her off, her head dipping so she can catch Maura's eye.

"Yes," she says simply.

Maura tries not to cry. It is impossible. "Can I…would you….Will you let me hug you, Jane?" She asks through her tears.

And the brunette tugs her wrist gently out of Maura's hand so she can wrap her arms around the shorter woman's waist.

She has not realized that she was drowning until she is all of a sudden on solid ground.

"I missed you," she says into Jane's shoulder, harder, sharper, but definitely Jane's. "I missed you so much, Jane."

Jane doesn't answer, she takes a deep, shaky breath, and drops her head into the bend of Maura's neck.

It is everything


	2. Return to Us

She steps off the train in Grand Central Station, her heart hammering in her chest.

When she'd begun writing to Jane after the funeral she had never, in her wildest dreams, imagined that Jane would write back.

After her disappearance, Maura trolled the internet for signs of her, looking everywhere, through every news article and every obituary. Medical Examiners from places as far west as Montana had Jane's picture to match against their Jane Doe arrivals.

On three separate occasions, Maura made terrifying, stomach churning journeys to unfamiliar morgues, praying that the woman under the sheet or in the cold storage was not her beautiful girlfriend.

"She doesn't want to be found," Frost told her on several occasions. "She doesn't want us to know where she is."

Maura didn't stop.

And when she'd found Jane's name, buried on a website advertising specialized consultation based in Manhattan, it had taken all of her strength not to get on a train immediately.

She'd written to Jane every week, sending her letters to the address listed on the website, and although Jane had never written back, she'd received an envelope in the mail after her third letter, in which she promised not to visit and not to pry.

It contained an index card, with an address in the middle, written in Jane's telltale spindly handwriting.

Maura wrote letters to that address from that moment forward.

Now, standing under the vaulted, starry ceiling of Grand Central's main building, Maura can hardly believe that she is going to see Jane again for the second time in six months. After five years of not seeing Jane at all, it feels like overindulgence.

It feels as though she should be sneaking around, wearing a disguise and using a false name.

She looks around, at the people moving past her in all different directions, trying to spot someone familiar. The beat of New York is very different from the beat of Boston, and she is just beginning to think that maybe this entire trip was a mistake when she hears a voice cut through all the others

"Mama! There she is! That's the doctor from Boston!"

Maura turns towards the sound of the voice to see Jane, holding Isla, both grinning at her.

It is real.

This is _real_ , and Jane is here, welcoming her to the city for the weekend.

An entire weekend with Jane.

"You made it," Jane says, when they reach her. She smiles, but her eyes are nervous. She can't look at Maura directly. "Was your trip okay?"

"Yes," Maura says, unable to stop smiling. "It was fine."

Jane smiles at the floor. "How are you?"

Maura turns a sob into a chuckle. "I am doing much better now that you're here," she says, and when Jane glances up at her sharply, she takes a small step backwards, as though to prove she does not have any ulterior motive. "How are you two doing?"

"I got a star at school!" Isla says excitedly. She points a tiny finger to a spot on her chest where a little gold sticker has been pressed to her sweater.

"Congratulations!" Maura says. "What did you do to earn that?"

"I can count ten, and do my aph-labet, and also I can do my name!" Isla beams at her, waiting for the praise that Maura would not dream of withholding.

"That's amazing," she says, meaning it. "I can't believe you can do all of those things!" l

"My mommy taught me," Isla says, turning to press her forehead into the bend of Jane's neck.

Jane smiles in an absent, affectionate way, and Maura wants to fall to her knees and beg to be allowed to stay forever.

"I promised we could get ice cream to celebrate three gold stars in a row," Jane glances to Maura's side, and the small rolling case there. "Is that all you brought?"

Maura looks down at her bag. "Yes," she says, though it comes out as a question.

Jane nods, smirking. "You travel more lightly than I remember," she says.

It is a joke.

Maura stares at her, trying to react appropriately, when all she wants to do is cry and throw her arms around the woman in front of her.

She manages a small laugh, hoping it doesn't sound as close to crying as she thinks it might.

"I do," she agrees. "Though you'll find there are still several shoe choices tucked inside."

"My shoes light up!" Isla says, lifting her head to look at Maura again. "Want to see?"

She doesn't wait for an answer, but wiggles down from her mother's arms so she can stamp her feet on the floor of the terminal.

Little red lights race around the heel of her shoe, and Isla claps her hands in excitement and looks up at the doctor to make sure she is properly impressed.

"My goodness," Maura says with a glance at Jane. "Are they – ah – magic sneakers?"

Isla jumps up and down to make her shoes do it again. "No!" she cries. "Silly doctor. It is lectrisstee!"

Jane reaches out a hand for Isla to take, and then her other for Maura's bag, ignoring her protest.

"Mommy. I want to hold the doctor's hand!" Isla says, tugging free. "Please?"

Her question is not directed at Jane, but at Maura, and she holds up her hand with her eyebrows raised hopefully.

"Good girl for asking," Jane says, but she does not instruct further.

Maura takes her hand tentatively. "You can call me Maura, darling," she says. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Jane look up at the pet name, though she doesn't seem angry.

"Oh," Isla looks unsure. "are you still doctor though?"

"Yes," Maura says reassuringly. "But we're friends. Or…I'd like to be. Can-can I call you Isla?"

"Isla and Mo-rah!" Isla says, swinging their hands happily. "We take the red number three train, Mo-rah! This way!"

Maura lets herself be led along, smiling, heart so full that it might burst.

Especially when she looks back to make sure Jane is okay with what is happening, and catches her murmuring to herself.

"Isla and Maura. Isla. Maura."

Just twice. Like a prayer.

….

Jane and Isla live in a two bedroom apartment in Midtown. While they ride the subway down from Grand Central, Isla lists for Maura the different things that she is able to do now that she is four. The list includes: Wear shoes with laces, watch a movie in her bunk bed without Mama, call the doorman to see if the pizza has arrived, swipe the metrocard, pet the dogs in the dog park, as long as the owner has said that it is okay.

Maura listens to all of this, wishing she could remember every single thing. She wants to slow time down to a crawl, so that her weekend will really become weeks, months in which she can discover this bright, wonderful new personality.

And rediscover the person she'd resigned herself to losing.

When they stand to get off at the 23rd street stop, Isla again asks to hold her hand, and Maura does not hesitate this time.

"I can list off my address, Morah," Isla says as they ascend back into the cool evening air.

"Can you?" Maura says with a smile. "You really are quite advanced for your age."

"I am named after the smartest woman in the world," Isla says, offhandedly. "She's gotta be proud of her namecake!"

Jane chuckles from the other side of Isla, and Maura looks at her in surprise, too caught off guard to say anything.

"It's name _sake_ , hon," Jane says easily. She doesn't see Maura's face, or she doesn't acknowledge it. Maura just _can't tell_ with Jane anymore.

The realization makes her sad.

The apartment building has a doorman, whose name is Ted, and he is not just for show. Maura hands over her driver's license, and waits while Jane signs her in and writes down the duration of her stay. Isla plays I spy with Ted while she waits for Jane to be done, and it is with a gentle, playful air that he looks around for all the things in the room that could be silver.

"C'mon, bug, let's go," Jane says, shooting a grateful grin at Ted.

"It's Morah's rolling bag," Isla laughs, bouncing toward the elevator. "Silly!"

Ted smacks his hand against his forehead dramatically.

Isla giggles. "Bye, Teddy!" she calls as the elevator dings shut.

"She's the only one allowed to call him that," Jane murmurs to Maura. "Press the button, Isla-bean," she says louder.

They live on the ninth floor.

"Your favorite number," Maura says automatically.

Jane raises an eyebrow at her. "You remember that about me?"

The question is underscored with what Maura decides is happiness, and so she feels relatively comfortable with her answer.

"I remember everything about you, Jane."

...

If Jane's bedroom is Spartan and uniform, and the living room is bland and impersonal, then Isla's room is the spot where all the love and attention to detail rests. They push the door open to her room and Maura's eyes widen in surprise. Isla's bedroom is the apartment's master, with an attached bathroom and walk in closet. Isla runs through the door and Maura is about to follow when a flick from Jane's hand holds her back.

She waits on the threshold, confused until the little girl turns to them.

"Come in mama! Come in Morah!" She says gesturing with both hands. "Morah, come see my bunk bed!"

Oh. Maura smiles as she moves into the room, though the feeling is bittersweet. Isla's top bunk has a tent over the top of it, patterned to look like a pirate ship. She scampers up the ladder and disappears inside.

"You ho ho and a bottle of Tums," she sings.

Jane chuckles, flicking her hand again, like she wants Maura's attention.

"Listen to this," she says quietly, and then she calls, "Hey, Tiny, are you sure it's supposed to be bottle of Tums?"

Isla pops her head out of a porthole. "Yes," She says sounding like she's tired of explaining. "Pirates need Tums from eating fish!"

Jane grins at Maura. "How do you know that pirates only eat fish?"

Isla sighs heavily. "Mama," she says. "Pirates live on the ocean." She says the last part as though this is obvious.

Jane raises her eyebrows at Maura who presses her lips together to keep from laughing. She looks around the little girl's room. It is everything a four year old could want, and some things she probably couldn't imagine, from the toy horses and stable in one corner, to the giant blackboard that covers one whole wall. Maura notices that Jane has written: _Isla Bean, Mommy loves you more than anything._

Maura feels tears prick the back of her eyes. The four year old cannot read this fully yet, but that is not the point.

It is not there _just_ for Isla.

…

The afternoon of her arrival starts awkwardly, but settles quickly.

Jane seems a little thrown off by Maura's presence in her apartment, but she works hard to overcome it, and Maura tries to make it easy for her.

"I bought wine," Jane says, turning with a bottle of Maura's favorite. "I just got...I didn't know if you still-"

"I do," Maura says with a smile. "Do you mind?"

"No," Jane answers. She looks happy to be able to do something.

Maura settles herself on the couch with her wine, and Isla flits back and forth between there and her room, usually with something new to show off.

Jane settles at the other end of the couch after about fifteen minutes of indecision. She smiles absently as Isla runs back and forth.

"Usually we just chill on Friday afternoons," she says. And then, as though she should offer more. "I started going into the office four days a week. It's...more tiring than I thought it would be." She frowns at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. "That sounds lame, I know…"

Maura nods quickly. "Not at all. It's completely understandable," she says. "Do not alter your routine because of me, Jane. Please. I am perfectly happy."

Jane looks slightly reassured. She pulls her legs up into a pretzel.

"Do you want to hear about Boston?" Maura asks it casually, though it is probably the heaviest, most loaded question she has asked since arriving.

Jane regards her from the other side of the couch. She knows that Maura means news of Frost and Frankie. Angela and BPD in general.

"No," Jane says after a long minute. "Not… not here. Not yet."

Maura nods. She doesn't ask what this means. "Okay," she says simply.

She is rewarded with the relaxation of her companion's shoulders, and the familiar sweep of a hand through dark curls.

Jane smiles. "I was thinking…we could go out tonight? Just...dinner or something. I'll get a sitter?"

Maura does not jump for joy, although it takes a great deal of effort to restrain herself. She takes another sip of her wine.

"That sounds lovely," she says.

Jane relaxes even more.

So that evening, Maura pulls the door open when the bell rings. She comes face to face with a young woman, backpack slung casually over her shoulder. She smiles politely at Maura, though her expression does not totally hide her confusion.

"Hi…" She says slowly. "I'm Lex?" It comes out as a question. "I'm here to, um, babysit?"

Maura opens her mouth, not sure what will come out, but Jane's voice rings out from her bedroom before she can speak. "Come in Lex. I'll be out in a sec."

Maura steps aside to let the girl in, and Lex stares at her for a long moment, before realizing what she's doing.

"Sorry," she says with a faint blush. "I just don't think I've ever seen another visitor in this apartment before." She holds out hand for Maura, who shakes it, swallowing her first ten questions.

"It's nice to meet you," she says. "You've been-ah- Isla's sitter for a while?"

Lex grins at her. "You could say that." She chuckles, as though Maura has made a joke. When the doctor continues to smile unsurely, Lex raises an eyebrow. "I've been sitting for the monster for her entire life almost," she says. "I honestly don't know if Jane _**has**_ another sitter."

It is at that moment that Jane appears in her bedroom doorway. "Why would I need another sitter?" She asks, eyes on the shirt cuff she is buttoning.

"I was just telling um-" Lex glances back at Maura, "your friend, that I wasn't sure I'd ever seen anyone else in the apartment. She opened the door and it was like the twilight zone."

Jane smiles a thin smile. "This is Dr. Isles," she says. "Doctor, this is Lex."

Lex's eyebrows shoot upwards and her mouth drops open, but she doesn't verbalize the expression. She looks at Maura with wide eyes, and then away. It is clear that she is keeping herself from asking questions, not because she doesn't have any, but because she knows that Jane will not react well to her inquiries.

Silence falls. There is nothing but the sound of Isla, singing quietly to herself in her room. Jane glances at Lex, who is trying to fix her face, and then meets Maura's eyes. She doesn't seem bothered by Lex's new mood.

"You ready?"

Maura nods and Jane turns to the babysitter.

"We'll be back about 9-9:30, Lex, alright?"

Lex nods, her eyes still wide. "Sure."

"I left some money if you want to order food, there's nothing much in the fridge."

"Thanks," Lex says. She seems unable to pull her eyes away from Maura.

Jane doesn't comment. "Isla bean!" She calls, and Maura turns to see the little girl appear in the doorway of her bedroom, dressed in footie pajamas patterned with polka dots.

"Maura and I are going. Lex is here. You going to be okay?"

Isla nods. "Can we watch Big Hero 6 in the bunk bed?"

Jane laughs. "You'll have to ask Lex," she says, shrugging on her coat. She grabs Maura's off the hook by the door and holds it out for her. "Can I?"

Maura steps into the coat, swallowing hard. "Th-thank you," she stammers.

"Love you, baby," Jane calls over her shoulder. "You tell Lex to call me if you need to."

"Bye, Mommy," Isla calls. "Bye Morah!"

"Goodbye, darling." Maura says.

….

The night is crisp, but not uncomfortable, and Maura agrees to the walk when Jane suggests it.

"New York seems so much faster and… livelier than Boston." Maura says as they head down the street.

Jane smiles absently. "It is. It was very overwhelming when I first arrived. I barely left my first apartment the entire first year."

"What changed?" Maura asks.

"Isla changed," Jane says with a little laugh. "She needed things. She needed day care, and," Jane casts around for a bit. "Human interaction."

Maura nods. She wants to ask why the human interaction could not have been in the form of Jane's family, or in the form of Maura and Frost, or at least inside of _Boston_ , but she chooses a different path.

"And you hired Lex, around that time?"

Jane pauses, possibly trying to read the tone in her voice. "Yeah," she answers slowly. "She used to work nights at the BuyQuik around the corner from my first apartment, and we became friends. She's a good kid. Going back to get her Masters next fall."

Maura mulls this over. "She's the only one you've ever let in your apartment?"

"Yeah. My - uh - therapist sometimes." Jane's answer is curt, but Maura does feel that she's being rejected.

"And me?" she presses.

This time Jane just nods.

Maura wants to reach out and hold Jane's hand, but she stops herself, remembering the way Isla had asked to hold hers in Grand Central. And Jane had shown her to wait for permission to enter Isla's room back at the apartment. so it stands to reason that she must ask Jane before touching her. Maura is about to open her mouth to ask, when another thought occurs to her.

What if Jane says no?

What if Maura asks, and Jane rejects her?

Even if, logically, Maura understands that this isn't because of her it will still hurt. And will her hurt damage the fragile connection they seem to be building?

She doesn't know.

"Maura?" Jane's voice is concerned. "Are you okay?"

Maura smiles, hoping her expression is reassuring. "Yes," she says quickly. "I was just..." she shrugs, opting for the truth. "I was just worrying."

Jane's mouth tugs up at the corners, but her next sentence is serious.

"You seem to do that a lot around me," she says. "I wish you wouldn't."

"It doesn't have," Maura begins, and then she breaks off, realizing that what she is about to say is a lie.

Jane waits patiently.

"This is all very surreal to me," Maura says at last. "I admit that I am frightened of doing or saying the wrong thing."

Jane nods. "That's understandable," she says after a moment. "I'm... I'm a different person than I was before."

"You're still someone I like very much," Maura says. She wants to say love. She wonders if she could.

"Yeah?" Jane seems to be genuinely asking, and Maura nods enthusiastically, surprised.

"Yes. I... I'm afraid I am probably very similar to the Maura that you knew, but-"

"I loved that Maura," Jane says quietly, and Maura stops walking, trying to hold on to the bloom of elation that is filling her throat.

"Can I hold your hand, Jane?" Maura asks. Jane's smile is faster this time. Maura holds out her hand and the other woman barely hesitates before taking it.

"Thank you for asking," Jane says softly.

They start to walk again.

"You don't have to be anything for me," Maura says after a little pause. "Who you are now is very special to me, and I'm honored you're letting me get to know you." she pauses, and then decides to just say it all.

"I missed you. After meeting Isla, I missed her as well. I want…"

But Jane's hand squeezes hers, hard, for just a moment, and when Maura looks at her face, she sees that it is too much. It is too much to hear, and too quickly.

Jane looks like she might be sick.

"Okay," Maura says softly. "Okay. I'm sorry." She squeezes back, tightening her fingers just a little around Jane's hand.

And then she lets go.

Jane breathes out a long, relieved breath. "Sorry," she says after a moment. "I-"

"No," Maura says. "I will stop worrying, and you will stop apologizing."

Jane grins. "Deal."


	3. Return to Truth

_Maura sets down her mug of coffee, taking care not to slam it, even though she would very much like to. Beside her, Frost's hands curl slightly._

" _Maura's explained it, Angela," he says, like he can sense that the doctor is having trouble speaking. "The chances of the medication hurting the fetus at this stage are negligible."_

 _Angela shakes her head. "I don't care," she says. "She stops taking it. Even if the chances were less than one percent. She can't take something that's going to hurt my grandbaby. That's not right."_

" _Her child," Maura says under her breath. Angela either doesn't hear her, or pretends not to._

" _I can't believe you'd want to do something that would harm her," Angela continues. "We can't do anything to harm her."_

" _It helps," Maura says through gritted teeth. "It helps keep her calm. It helps her fall asleep and not have terrible dreams. She can't heal if she doesn't sleep. She can't-"_

" _Fight you?"_

 _The silence that follows this is dangerous. Frost looks too stunned to even attempt an intervention._

" _If that was an implication that I would treat the woman I love as though she is a prisoner," Maura says slowly, "then you can see yourself out of my house."_

" _I'm only commenting on what's right in front of me," Angela says, her voice dropping low._

 _Maura takes a breath that is meant to be steadying, but which only serves to enrage her more._

" _I am trying to help Jane. I love her just as much as you-"_

" _Bullshit," Angela spits. It is the first time Maura has heard her curse so aggressively, and it makes her jump._

" _It is not."_

" _It is. It's bad enough that you want to rob my daughter of a normal, natural, married life. But now you want to take away my grandchild. I-"_

" _Her CHILD," Maura yells. "It's Jane's_ _child_ _, Angela! A child put there by a man who imprisoned her, and raped her, most likely repeatedly. She was missing for two hundred and forty four days! She spent one hundred and seventy seven of them out of our sight. And he wasn't kind to her when he knew we were watching. What do you think he did when they were alone?_

" _Shut up!" Angela's eyes are wide and red. She looks a little crazed. "You think I don't know all of this? You think I can ever stop thinking about how her pregnancy happened? But God works in mysterious-"_

" _Jane's torture and pregnancy are_ _not_ _the mysterious ways of your fake omniscient God," Maura screams. "Sometimes humans are just evil. Sometimes horrible things happen for no reason, Angela. This is one of those times._

" _Ladies," Frost's voice, low but unshaken. He has his hand on Maura's bicep. That is how she knows that she's shaking. "Please," he says. "Please don't do this. If for no other reason than that Jane is finally sleeping."_

 _Maura puts the back of her hand to her forehead. She nods once curtly._

 _Angela is still looking at Maura with wild eyes. "You don't want that baby at all," she says quietly. "You don't want it."_

 _And Maura looks up at Angela, wondering if this ordeal has truly driven the older woman mad._

" _You," she says, making sure to enunciate each word so that she will not be misunderstood. "Are not welcome here any longer. Get the fuck out of my house."_

…

…

The restaurant that Jane has chosen is small, tucked away down a back street in the village, and as they are led to a table next to a large fish tank, Maura thinks it feels homey.

"I like it here," Jane says when they're seated. "They make gnocchi, and sometimes when I'm homesick I order it."

Jane smiles bashfully at her. "Don't tell Ma,"

"Your secret is safe with me," Maura promises. She takes a breath. "Although, I could bring you the real thing," she ventures. "In the future, if you'd like."

Jane considers her napkin before putting it on her lap. "Do you want to come back?" she asks after a moment.

Maura frowns, confused. "Yes," she says at once. "Of course I do. I just didn't want to be presumptuous."

The shadow of a smile is still on Jane's face. "And you'd bring gnocchi all the way here?"

Maura laughs. "On my lap, if I had to, Jane," she says earnestly.

There is something in the way the other woman reacts to Maura saying her name. She wonders if very many people have used it in the last five years. Lex, possibly. Maybe a boss or colleague. But beyond that, Maura thinks, no one.

"So you come to this place a lot?" she asks.

Jane looks around, thinking. "Yeah," she says. "I liked it because I could walk when the weather was nice. Decent food and a kid's menu," she shrugs. "Anywhere I can eat with a grumpy toddler gets at least a repeat visit." Jane gestures at the fish tank. "She's got names for all of 'em," she continues. "And I can grab an extra cup of coffee while she talks to them."

Maura laughs. "I can't imagine Isla being grumpy," she says. "She's so cheerful all the time."

Jane nods. "Yeah, she is actually. But, you know, sometimes I stretch her to the end of her patience." She looks up at Maura, who must look skeptical, because Jane smiles.

"When I keep her inside too long," she says. "Or when I refuse to go somewhere after I'd said we could."

These two examples make Maura look away, so that Jane doesn't see her smile vanish.

But Jane has not lost her observant nature.

"Sorry," she says. "That wasn't meant to make you sad."

"No," Maura says. "We made a deal, remember? No apologizing. And it didn't make me sad in the way you're imagining. It's alright."

Jane looks at her for a moment, studying her face. "How did it make you sad, then?" She asks.

The waiter comes by at that moment with their drinks, and Maura takes the interruption as a chance to gather her thoughts. She waits until the young man has disappeared back into the kitchen before answering.

"It…makes me sad to think of you struggling here, on your own," she says finally. "I'd always worried about it abstractly, and now to have an explicit example…" she trails off, deciding to end the sentence with a sip of wine.

Jane mirrors her, looking thoughtful. "I left," she says. "I made the decision to leave, so, my struggling was the consequence of that. My own fault."

"Certainly not," Maura says, shaking her head. "We drove you away."

Jane's whole body snaps to attention. She blinks at Maura, surprised. "What?"

Maura sighs. She hadn't wanted to bring up anything like this before the entrees at _least_ , but Jane does not seem angry, so she pushes on.

"We drove you away," she repeats. "Your mother, brother, and I. I know you heard us talking about you. I can't imagine what you thought of us, discussing your future like you were a child. I can't imagine that you felt as though you could stay, after that."

She looks across the table at her companion. Jane is looking back at her with an expression that is impossible to read.

Maura keeps talking, unwilling to let the silence rest.

"I shouldn't have even entertained those conversations," she says. "I shouldn't have even let them happen. I was scared, and I-"

"Stop."

Jane's tone is not harsh, just firm. Maura presses her lips together, looking down into her lap.

"I'm sorr-"

"No," Jane cuts her off. "Not because of you...Just because I…"

Maura looks up to see Jane toying with the edge of her wine glass.

"I have to tell you something," Jane says quietly. "And...It will be harder if I think about how sad and scared you were."

Maura forces herself not to respond to this by taking another sip of wine, watching as Jane takes a deep breath.

"Dominic," she says slowly. "He was...trying."

The name of Jane's captor causes such a visceral reaction that for a moment, Maura does not register the rest of her words.

For several seconds, all she can see is Dominic Bianchi's leering face as he waved good-bye to camera lens.

 _My wife and I are going to have some fun. No peeking!_

"Maura?"

"I…I'm sorry. I don't-" but then she does, and she has to stop talking and focus only on suppressing the urge to be sick.

Dominic was trying.

"At first he was just interested in getting me to play along with his fantasy. To talk to him about our honeymoon, or sit across from him at the dinner table and let him talk about his day." Jane speaks in a low, practiced tone, not looking up from the table.

Maura doesn't know if she wants to ask Jane to stop, or beg her to go faster. To simply _tell_ her.

"You knew," she whispers, suddenly glad for their partial isolation in the back of the restaurant. "You knew you'd gotten – that he'd."

Jane swallows audibly. "I missed my period. It was late. I waited ten days for it to show up…and then I…"

"You tried to escape." Maura puts her hand to her cheek to catch a tear. "For the baby."

They look at each other. Jane's eyes are shimmery with tears, but they don't break free. Not even when she shakes her head.

"When I woke up," she says hoarsely. "I was bleeding. I thought that meant," she looks up briefly, as though trying to keep herself from sobbing. "I thought that meant I'd dreamt it. Or that I'd miscarried. I-"

"Oh, Jane."

"I ran because I thought you wouldn't want her," she whispers. "I…I didn't know if _I_ wanted her, but I heard you say…I heard you say you didn't and I…I got so scared. I got so angry." Jane takes a breath.

"I ran."

…

…

 _The fight explodes again in the foyer. Angela, unwilling to go without the last word. Maura, unwilling to let her negate their relationship for one second longer._

" _Admit it," Angela hisses, grabbing her coat off of the stand with such aggression that it rocks and almost falls. "You don't want her to have a child that you had nothing to do with."_

" _You have no idea what I want," Maura counters, gesturing toward the door. "Get out."_

" _You don't want to think about the possibility that she could be happy with a child. Without you. You don't want that!"_

" _Of_ _course_ _I don't want that!" Maura says immediately. "If that's not what she wants, why would I force it to be so? The fact of the matter is that the very news of her pregnancy has caused her to dissociate. It's turned a woman who was healing into a near comatose patient, so I think it might be fair to say that she is struggling with the news as well._

" _I don't want it! Of course I don't. Something that will imprison her? Something that will force her to relive the worst part of her life? No. No matter what the cost and no matter what you think of me, Angela. And I won't let you submit her to that kind of pain either. So I'm asking you again, to get out."_

 _And this time Angela goes, stomping down the walk in the grey afternoon without looking back. Frost shuts the door behind her, and then seeing that Maura has made no move, guides her gently into the living room and onto the couch._

 _It isn't until he sits down next to her, taking her hand in his, that she starts to cry._

" _What am I doing?" she asks through her tears. "What am I doing?"_

 _Frost rubs her shoulder. "You're doing what you think you should," he says gently. "You're doing all you can."_

" _I love her so much. I need her."_

" _I know, Maura. I know. And somewhere in there, Jane knows too."_

" _I would love it, Barold. If that's what she wanted, I would love it as though it were my own. Without question."_

" _You don't have to tell me that," Frost says. "I know."_

 _And when she looks at him, she sees that he does. She realizes that besides Jane, this man is her closest friend. When the fight with Angela started, he didn't defend Jane's mother. When she left, Frost opted to stay._

 _For her._

 _She starts to cry again, and when Frost puts his arms around her, tentatively at first, she lets herself lean against him, because she is tired, and he understands._

…

…

Their entrees come, but neither really registers the delivery. They have both put burdens down, only to come across new ones they didn't realize needed carrying.

"I-" Jane is the first one to speak. "I didn't hear that," she says. "I thought you just wanted me to get rid of it. I thought you saw that part of me as disgusting."

Maura shakes her head. She looks down at her entrée as though she's never seen anything like it before.

"I wanted you to make a choice. I wanted you to _have_ the choice to make, and not just do what Angela wanted."

Jane picks up her fork, and then puts it down again. "I couldn't do it," she says quietly. "Not because I thought it was wrong…just because…" she looks at the fish tank, and she _almost_ smiles. "Just because I thought maybe I could be a mother."

"You are a wonderful mother," Maura says.

Jane grimaces. "I am getting better," she says. "I was a horrible everything from about 25 weeks to six months after she was born. She glances at Maura, and then away. "I'd have nightmares that she'd be born looking exactly like him. Holding wrist cuffs and everything."

Maura shudders involuntarily.

"I had a family picked out for adoption for a while," she continues. "I…I was a basket case."

"Me too," Maura says.

Jane nods. "I'm sorry."

Maura clicks her tongue, she smiles. "You are not holding up your end of this bargain," she teases.

Jane doesn't smile. "No," she says. "I really am sorry, Maura. I…when I started getting my life back together…I wanted to see you so bad."

Jane sighs, winding some pasta lazily around her fork. "I got a therapist. A really amazing woman who's helped me so much. And after she got me seeing things from a different angle, all I wanted to was come back and see you."

This confession makes Maura's chest hurt. "But?" she asks after a moment, unable to help herself.

"But coming back to you meant coming back to Ma. And Frost and Korsak and Frankie." Jane rubs the back of her neck. "And what if you'd moved on? Then it meant bringing this little girl back to a place where everyone knew me as Detective Rizzoli, and that's not who I am anymore. And that's not how I'd raised her. It would have meant coming back to a woman who didn't love me anymore, to a job I couldn't do anymore, into a life that didn't fit anymore."

Maura thinks of Isla's bedroom. Of the soft way Jane treats her, and the careful way she's taught the girl to ask to cross physical boundaries.

"It would have been different," she says. "I see what you mean."

Jane nods, looking relieved. "I would do anything for her," she says. "I would do anything so she knows that she's safe, and loved, and…that for now, the world is gentle."

In light of this, there is only one thing Maura can say. "Thank you."

Jane frowns. "Hmm?"

"That's the world you're creating for her. And thank you, for thinking that I could be part of it."

Jane smiles. A forkful of food actually makes it to her mouth this time.

"Maura," she says affectionately. "You are the gentlest person I know."

…

…

They get home at about 9:15, and Maura watches as Jane unlocks two separate locks, and then raps gently on the door.

There are footsteps. "Jane?" Lex's voice calls.

"Yeah," Jane answers, and there is the sound of a chain lock sliding, and then the door swishes open.

"Hey," she says, stepping back to let them in. If possible, she looks even more surprised to see Maura than earlier. "You guys have a good time?"

Maura glances at Jane, who has moved to the door of Isla's room to check on her. For Maura, the night had been better than good. After the tears, and the entrees, there had been dessert and just the two of them. She had asked to touch Jane's hand, and they had sat there, fingers linked gently for almost half an hour.

The walk back had been a little colder, but Jane had asked for her arm, and Maura barely noticed.

"We did," Maura says, reaching to take off her coat.

The movement catches Jane's eye, and she moves back to the front door, looking apologetic.

"Sorry," she says, holding out her hands. "Here, let me."

Maura shakes her head, unable to stop her smile. "Don't worry about it," she says, but she allows Jane to take the coat from her, simply because it means her fingers will brush against her shoulders.

"She almost made it to the end of Big Hero 6," Lex says, shrugging her backpack up onto her shoulders. "She wanted to be Honey Lemon this time."

Jane grins. "They did the baking soda volcano at school the other day," she says. "I think that's what tipped the scale."

Lex watches Jane hang Maura's coat. She looks completely dumbfounded. Maura thinks that she probably has as many questions for the young woman as Lex has for her.

"She ate fine," Lex says, not taking her eyes off of the coat rack when Jane moves away. "She's in the pirate ship tonight. Oh! Did you know she sings 'Yo, ho-ho, and a bottle of-'

"Tums," Jane says, still smiling. "Yeah."

Lex slips past the two women to the door. She glances at Maura like she thinks the doctor will follow, and when she doesn't it takes her a moment to regain her balance.

"Okay…" she says slowly. "Your change is on the counter, and there's extra pizza in the fridge." Another glance at Maura. "You still need me on Tuesday?"

Jane nods. She doesn't notice Lex's confusion, or she is deliberately ignoring it. "Thanks for coming on short notice," she says.

Lex smiles now too. "And let someone else take care of my little nugget?" she asks. "No way." She pauses, and then finally decides that she needs to know more about the situation before she can leave.

She turns to Maura. "Are you staying here?" She blurts quickly. "Is she staying here? Should I call someone? Are you _okay_ , Jane?"

Maura raises her eyebrows, surprised. These are not the questions she'd expected. She looks around at Jane who is looking at Lex with a mixture of amusement and fondness. The doctor allows herself three seconds of hot, irrational jealousy.

"Yeah," Jane says, smiling. "I'm okay. There's no crisis, I promise. And I _want_ Maura to be here. Nothing to worry about. I promise, Lex."

"Okay," Lex says, relaxing a bit. "I mean. Because I took that women's safety class down at the Y, and I'm not like, a retired cop or anything, but I could probably hold her off until NYPD got here."

Jane laughs as Maura's mouth falls open.

"Stand down, you nut," she says. "I'll see you Tuesday, okay?"

Lex grins and turns away. She waves over her shoulder on her way out the door, and Jane shuts it firmly behind her, doing all the locks and sliding chain before turning to Maura.

She smiles at her expression. "Lex has known me since my basket case years," she explains. "Once, I called her because I couldn't leave the apartment. Isla was like, two, and I…I just…I thought I saw him everywhere. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Isla was like three days away from wearing a newspaper diaper. Lex came and spent an entire week."

Maura does not answer right away. Her jealousy is back, along with an ache in her chest that is made all the more painful by the fact that it is years too late.

"She thought I meant to hurt you?" Maura asks, unable to keep some of the incredulity out of her voice.

Jane grins like she knows what the other woman is thinking.

"No," she says. "I think she just thought it was so out of the ordinary that I might be cracking up."

Maura allows herself to smile at this. "Ah," she says. "Okay."

"Hey Maura?"

"Yes?"

Jane bites the edge of her lip. "You just. That expression you made just then made me want…Can I – um – touch your face?"

Maura blinks at Jane for a second too long before answering, and the brunette goes a little pale.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"No!" Maura steps closer. "No! I just. You caught me off guard. Yes," she says, taking one more step closer to encourage her. "Yes. Of course you can."

Maura closes her eyes a split second before the pads of Jane's fingers touch her chin, and she thinks that this is probably for the best, because the feeling the contact elicits is nothing short of staggering.

"I missed looking at you," Jane whispers.

Maura means to say me too, but what comes out is an ungainly sound half way between a moan and a whimper.

Jane chuckles, and Maura opens her eyes, and for a while they just stand like that, looking.

"I had a really nice night," Jane says. "I…it was really nice."

"I want to touch your hands," Maura says. "Please?" she waits until Jane nods, and then puts her hands over Jane's on her face.

The contact on contact makes her eyes flutter a little. "I had a nice night too."

"Maybe tomorrow, we can show you around a little?"

Maura nods. "Anything you like," she says, and Jane nods, and they stay like that for a bit longer, until Jane pulls away slightly, and Maura lets go.

"I'm going to shower," Jane says, looking down at the ground. "And get ready for bed? Can you…" she points at the couch. "Can you sit on the couch until I come back out?"

Maura nods. She doesn't ask about the request, just moves to the corner of the couch furthest from the bathroom and sits down. She slips off her heels and pulls her phone out of her purse before looking up at Jane for approval.

Jane looks immensely grateful. "I'm sorry," she begins. "I know it's-"

"It's nothing," Maura says. "Anything you need."

And Jane smiles at her and turns toward the bathroom. But she turns back almost immediately.

"Don't go in Isla's room," she says, though her face looks apologetic, like she doesn't want to say it, but cannot leave without doing so.

Maura doesn't want to show the heartbreak she feels. So she gathers all of her willpower, and smiles as reassuringly as she can.

"I promise," she says. "She is as important to me as you are, Jane."

And this seems to be enough. With one final smile, Jane disappears into the bathroom. A moment later, the water comes on.

Maura lets her head drop back against the cushion of the couch.

She closes her eyes.


	4. Return to Light

_Jane spent the first two weeks of her imprisonment fighting Dominic Bianchi tooth and nail. When Frost finally hacked the feed to the bakery, it revealed the detective, bound and bruised, yes, but snarling and fighting too. Maura remembers the moment when Jane looked, unknowingly, into the camera, and her eyes were bright and fierce._

 _Furious._

 _Alive._

 _They'd raided the bakery that same day, confident that they would have Jane home and Bianchi in cuffs before nightfall._

 _It was the first time they'd underestimated him as their adversary. If his former psychiatrist had still been alive, he would have told them about the high IQ, the technological genius, and the sharp, conniving mind that lay behind his open face and baffled smile._

 _But because Dr. Parker was dead, Bianchi was three steps ahead of them, and as they raided the bakery, he was cutting Jane free of her restraints and lifting her, limp as a ragdoll, into the back of his brand new Nissan._

 _It was almost another week before Frost found the feed again. This time, Maura had the measure of Dominic enough to wonder if he'd meant them to see it. But that thought was washed away by the sight of her girlfriend._

 _He had changed her clothes._

 _He had changed much more than that._

…

…

Jane insists that Maura take her room. Maura is ready to put up a fight, but something in Jane's expression makes her give in. It isn't until she's hanging a dress on one of the free hangers Jane showed her that she realizes what Jane has done.

She has put herself _between_ Maura and Isla.

Indeed, when she emerges from the bedroom, and pads through the living room to the bathroom, Jane is standing by Isla's bedroom door. She returns the smile that Maura offers, but it falters and does not entirely set on her face.

"I won't be a minute," Maura says because the silence is an uncomfortable one.

"Take your time," Jane says automatically.

If Maura lingers at all in the bathroom, it is because she doesn't want to step back into the living room and see Jane's expression as she passes back to the bedroom.

But when she emerges, Jane has already stretched out on the couch. Maura is almost back into the bedroom when Jane calls out.

"Night, Maura."

Maura turns. "Good night, Jane."

…

It is past midnight when the noise from the living room wakes her. She sits up, and she can see the light from the living room leaking under her door.

Jane is awake, has possibly been awake for the last two hours.

The noise comes again, a sound like a kitten crying. It pushes Maura out of bed and to the door without thinking.

Jane is standing between the couch and the bedroom, staring at the floor.

She makes the noise again, pushed from the back of her throat, and Maura's chest aches at the sound.

"Jane."

Her voice makes the brunette jump. She stares at Maura with the glassy, half dissociated stare that she'd had back in Boston.

"I-I had a routine," she says lowly. "I...it's hard. I-I'm not used to sleeping without it. I-I chose it because it helps."

Maura nods. "Okay," she says. "Okay. You can still-"

"He can't make me do anything I don't want to do," she says like Maura isn't there. "He's dead. I'm the one controlling my life."

A mantra. Maura takes a step forward. "Yes," she says. "You are. Jane, If you have to do your nightly routine, please don't let me stop-"

"You _couldn't_ stop me," Jane says. She looks at Maura, wide-eyed, unrecognizing. "I could do it even if you told me not to. I could."

"Yes," Maura agrees right away. "Certainly."

"I have control," Jane says to herself. She lifts her hands to her face like she wants to study them, and Maura realizes with a jolt that she is looking for bruises. She is checking to see if she's been tied down recently.

"Jane! We could switch," Maura says without thinking. "I'll take the couch and you-"

"No!" Jane takes three menacing steps towards her before catching herself.

"No," she says again. "Don't touch her."

Maura takes a step backward, hoping it will convey that she means no harm. "I won't, honey," she says.

It is the wrong endearment. Maura _knows_ it is the wrong endearment the moment it leaves her mouth. The panic of the moment, the half-lucid state of the woman before her, these things are muddling her thoughts. She is too _scared_ to do the right thing.

Jane's face has contorted into a rage that looks painful.

"Don't," she growls.

Maura nods vigorously, wishing there was a way she could make herself smaller and less imposing.

"I can go," she says. Glancing up at Jane to see how this idea is received. "I could go to- ah - a hotel. Or I-"

"No," Jane cuts her off, sounding strained. "We have to stay here."

The end of this sentence breaks and Maura presses her hands to her thighs to keep from reaching out.

"Okay," she says gently. "Okay. We'll stay."

"We have to stay here," Jane says again, and when she looks up at Maura, her eyes are frightened.

Maura thinks she looks like some of the patients she's seen practice immersion therapy; the rational brain fighting for control while the amygdala screams.

The amygdala is winning. Maura cannot imagine the nightmare world Jane finds herself in.

"He makes me," she says now, close to tears. "I have to."

She stumbles backward, collapsing onto the couch, and Maura takes a step forward, her hands coming to her chest.

"No, darling," she says softly. "No. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. He's gone."

Jane blinks at her, a flash of clarity.

"Darling," she murmurs.

"That's right," Maura says, hoping she doesn't sound too eager. She moves forward again and then lowers herself to her knees on the couch. Slowly, slowly.

"Who calls you darling, Jane?" she asks.

Jane wraps her arms around her legs, resting her chin in the dip between her knees. She makes a soft, whimpering sound just before she answers.

"Maura," she whispers.

"Me," Maura says. She is starting to cry, but she doesn't want to move her hands to wipe her tears. "That's me, my love, and I would never hurt you. I would never hurt Isla. I would never make you."

Another tear drips down Jane's cheek. Maura's hands on her chest twitch, just the tiniest bit.

"I have to protect you," Jane says. She squeezes her knees. "Don't let him know."

"Okay," she says. "It will be our secret. Just our secret, Jane, okay?"

Her head bobs up and down, the terror recedes from her eyes.

Maura chances putting one hand on the couch cushion, flat.

"But he's not here now, lovely. He's not here. So can I?"

Jane hesitates for a long time, at war with herself. When she finally nods, the word slips from Maura's mouth without her conscious thought, and she knows that it would have happened even if Jane had said no.

"Darling," she breathes. "Lovely."

Jane buries her face in the indent of her knees. Sobs shaking her slender frame.

"Maura."

…

…

 _Frankie arrives at her office just as she is finishing her last bit of paperwork. She looks up at the knock on the door, and her heart sinks._

 _Frankie looks pale and somber._

" _What is it?" she stands. "What's happened?"_

 _Jane has been home for just over two weeks, and although Maura and Angela have agreed to a truce, she wouldn't put it past the older woman to have tried to move Jane while Maura was at work._

 _But Frankie surprises her. "It's Bianchi," he says, spitting the word as though it tastes bad. "He's dead."_

 _The news makes Maura have to sit again though, God help her, the emotion that takes her legs out from under her is most definitely relief._

 _"How?" she asks when she can make herself speak._

" _Hung himself," Frankie says, still sounding disgusted. "That damn quack who said he didn't need suicide watch anymore. That she was 'making progress,'" he snorts. "Yeah, great. So now that bastard doesn't even get what he deserves."_

 _These last words bring Maura back to the conversation. "It also means that your sister never has to face him again. She won't have to spend days in court. She won't have to tell strangers about her ordeal."_

 _Frankie presses his lips together, and Maura knows that he has not considered this._

 _Maura presses her palms flat to her desk and pushes herself to a standing position again._

" _When did you get the news?"_

" _I have a buddy that does security over there. He called me to tell me."_

 _Frankie does not make direct eye contact at this, and Maura has a distinct feeling that this is not the entire story._

" _Frankie?" she asks._

 _He shakes his head. "It's nothing," he says, still not looking at her. "I just thought you'd want the news ahead of time so you could be braced for the public announcement."_

 _Maura narrows her eyes. "Francesco Rizzoli, you have the same tell as your sister. Now look me in the eyes, and tell me the section of this story that you have omitted."_

 _Frankie reluctantly drags his eyes up to meet the doctor's. From the inside pocket of his coat, he pulls a rumpled envelope, so full that the seal is barely able to hold it shut. The name "Jane" is scrawled across the front._

 _Maura's chest tightens. "What is that?" she asks, though she knows._

" _I got Mac to slip it out. No one even knows it was there."_

 _Maura fights the urge to return to her chair. "Frankie," she breathes._

" _Maura. She doesn't need to know it was-"_

" _Give it to me."_

 _There is no room in Maura's tone for him to disobey her. He comes just close enough to hand it to her, and his eyes scan her, as though she has changed without his noticing._

" _She doesn't need it," he says quietly._

 _And Maura wants to tell him that last night, Jane had come into the bedroom the two of them used to share and curled up at the end of the bed._

 _Maura found her there when she woke up, and Jane had opened her eyes and said only._

" _I missed you."_

 _No. Maura does not want Jane to ever, ever read the letter either._

 _But she tucks it away in her bag, and as she's leaving the office, she puts her hand on Frankie's shoulder._

" _Your sister is still in there," she says quietly. "She's still in there, Frankie, and she is who we need to consider." She gives his shoulder a squeeze._

" _We'll get her back," she says. "I promise."_

…

…

Maura wakes up to tapping. She opens her eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling, and it takes her a moment to orient herself.

New York. Midtown. Jane.

 _Jane._

She sits up quickly, and the tapping stops abruptly.

Isla is in the doorway of the bedroom, her knuckles inches away from the frame, and her wide eyes looking back at Maura as though she's been caught.

"Sorry," she whispers. "I'm a'pposed to knock.

Maura pushes her hair away from her face with both hands and glances at the bedside clock. It reads 7:25 AM.

She'd left Jane in a fitful, exhausted sleep only four hours ago, and when Maura looks back toward the living room, she can see a Jane shaped lump on the couch, blanket over her head.

Isla makes an impatient noise. "Mo-rah," she whispers. "Say if I can come in or not."

Maura smiles despite herself. "Yes," she says. "Of course. Come in, sweetheart."

Isla's face splits into a wide grin, and she runs through the door and launches herself up, onto the bed next to Maura.

"G'morning!" she says happily. "I'm so, so glad you're still here!"

"Me too," Maura says honestly. "How did you sleep?"

"Good," Isla says. She scoots closer. "Can I sit on your lap?"

Maura nods, not trusting her voice, and Isla wiggles under her arm and settles herself in Maura's lap.

"Me'n mommy cuddle in the morning on weekends," she says, taking Maura's necklace in her small hand to examine it. "She's got a rough morning though, so let's give her some time."

Maura blinks at this influx of information, sorting it out.

"A rough morning?"

Isla nods. "I saw her a bit ago, to show her the light? And she set the princess to ring when she should get up."

Maura replays these sentences in her head several times but is unable to glean any more information from them than the first run through.

"I don't understand," she tells the little girl, and she is met with an eye roll that takes her back in time.

It is Jane's signature expression, reserved for people who are being exceptionally dense.

Maura wants to laugh and cry at the same time.

"I'll show you," she says, starting to wiggle down to the floor.

Isla waits for Maura to push the covers back and stands up, then she runs to the closet and pulls out a pair of slippers.

"Mr. Panteek, downstairs, he keeps his apartment like a _icebox_ ," she says dramatically. "So you can wear these slippers. Not bunnies like mine, but mommy says they're warm."

Isla waits until Maura has stepped into the slippers, and then reaches for her hand.

"We're going to my room," she says, her voice dropping down to a whisper. "Be quiet, kay?"

Again, Maura can only nod.

They tiptoe past Jane, motionless on the couch, and Maura only has ten seconds to worry about how the brunette might be feeling, when Isla turns her attention to a clock sitting on the bureau just inside her bedroom door.

The clock is bright green and molded into the shape of a princess, complete with tiara and long white gloves.

"When Tiana sings her song," Isla explains, "mommy gets up."

"I see," Maura says. "She set this for you?"

Isla nods. "Yeah, this morning. When I showed her it was mornin."

Maura nods, and then, when Isla asks if she wants to have a tea party, she nods again. But she barely hears the little girl setting up the plastic cutlery. Her mind is reeling from the revelations of the past ten minutes.

This is how Jane has made it work, the two of them here. How carefully she has taught her daughter.

How horribly this would have gone if she'd returned.

"Morah?"

Maura shakes herself and looks around. Isla is facing her, holding two obscenely bright feather boas.

"I am usually pink," Isla says. "But you can wear it today if you want to. As a treat."

Maura accepts without hesitation.

…

…

 _The day before she sees Jane on the video feed for the last time, Maura receives a letter in the mail. She makes the mistake of gasping when it is delivered to her, and when Susie comes over to see if she is okay, she recognizes the handwriting as well and alerts Frost and Korsak._

 _And so Maura has to open Jane's letter in front of both detectives and two CSI techs. She is embarrassed by the way her hands shake, and by the way she is already crying before she even begins to slit the envelope._

 _There are three things inside the envelope. The first is the ring that Maura got Jane on their sixth month anniversary. It is the twin to Maura's, though the detective wore hers around her neck so as not to arouse suspicion._

 _The second thing is a glossy photo, a 5x7 print of a man and woman on their wedding day._

 _No._

 _Oh, God. No._

 _Maura looks at the photo again and realizes that it is of Dominic and Jane. He is wearing a suit, complete with cumberbund and cufflinks._

 _And Jane…_

 _Maura closes her eyes, trying to fight the wave of nausea that hits her. It's not the wedding dress that Jane is in or the apparent way her cheekbones and collarbone protrude, that make Maura want to be sick. It's not even the hollow nature of her smile or the way her eyes stare straight ahead at nothing._

 _No, Maura is sickened by the blue and purple bruises that ring themselves around Jane's neck and both of her wrists._

 _She is sickened that Dominic is beaming at the camera, holding his prisoner tightly around the waist, and looking as though there is nothing wrong with the scene at all._

" _Doctor," Korsak is tugging at the edge of the photo with a gloved hand. "Please…"_

 _She lets it go and picks up the last item from the envelope._

 _It is a letter._

 _It's just a short, handwritten note, but Maura wants to press the paper to her mouth because that is Jane's handwriting. Jane wrote this. To her._

Dear Maura,

I'm returning your ring because I definitely never loved you. Dominic and I are happy as you can certainly most definitely see from the **i** nc **l** osed ph **o** to. We are **ve** ry happ **y** t **o** gether. Why sho **u** ldn't we be?

Good-bye,

Jane

" _She wrote it under duress, Maura," Frost tells her when the techs have taken everything away. "She doesn't mean those things. And the rope burns mean she's still fighting. She's still fighting to come home to us. To you."_

 _But Maura wasn't crying because of the words. She was crying because of the specific parts, where Jane had pressed harder with her pen, making some letters darker than others._

 _She was crying because when put together, they spelled out the words,_ I love you.

…

…

At 8:30, the clock shaped like a princess begins to sing.

 _There's been trials and tribulations,_

 _You know I've had my share_

 _But I've climbed a mountain, and I've crossed a river, and I'm_

 _Almost there._

 _I'm almost there…_

Isla's face lights up at the sound, and she grins at Maura and claps her hands together before hopping up from the little table and scampering out into the living room.

It takes Maura a little longer to extricate herself from the miniature table, and when she finally makes it to the doorway between bedroom and living room, it is to see Isla doing a little dance in front of the moving blanket that is her mother.

"Mommy!" she cries gleefully as the form sits upright.

"C'mere bug," says Jane's raspy voice.

Isla climbs up onto the couch and disappears into the folds of the blanket, and for a moment, all Maura can hear is muffled giggling.

And then Jane flips the top part of the blanket back like a hood, revealing them both, cuddled together.

"Morah and I was havin' some tea."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I sat on her lap in bed, and she's wearing your slippers."

"You gave my slippers away? Does that mean I get your bunnies?"

"Nooooo!"

"Did you ask Maura where we should go for breakfast?"

"Cowgirl!" Isla chirps. "We should take her to Cowgirl, mommy!"

"You know what I think?" Jane asks her daughter.

"Whut?"

"I think we should go to Cowgirl for breakfast."

Isla laughs. "I just said that!"

"You did?" The more Jane speaks, the more normal she sounds. Maura crosses her arms over her chest like she could hold onto the happy bubble that is expanding there.

"Mommy?"

"Yeah, bean."

"I love you."

Jane takes a second to answer. Maura sees her bend to kiss Isla's head. They do not need to ask each other for physical closeness. Maura understands that this is Jane's promise to her child. The most important, most valuable thing she can give her.

Unconditional trust.

"I love you too, Isla," Jane says. "Will you do me a favor and go grab me some socks? Since you _gave away my slippers_."

Isla kisses her mother's cheek and then slides off of her lap. She waves at Maura as she speeds past.

Jane turns to look at her in the silence.

"Morning," she says. Her voice is still a little raspy.

"Good morning," Maura says with a smile.

"Did you get...any sleep?" Jane looks away, guilty. "I'm so-"

Maura takes a step forward, and Jane falls silent. "I slept," she says. "You told me to leave you when you were fully out, and I did. I hope if you woke up, you were able to get back to sleep."

"You locked yourself in the bedroom," Jane says.

Maura nods. "You told me to. Did it help?"

"Yeah," Jane says. She rubs the back of her neck. "A lot. Thank you." She shifts a little. "Do you want to come...sit?"

Yes. More than anything. Maura forces herself not to run to the other end of the couch.

"I get it if you want to stay somewhere else tonight," Jane says quietly.

Maura frowns. "Do you want me to?"

"No." The answer is sure and immediate. "I don't."

Maura puts her hand, palm up, into the space between them.

"Okay," she answers. "Then I won't."


	5. Return to Promises

_Dear Jane,_

 _I don't know how to start this letter, so I'm just going to get right to it._

 _They settled Dominic Bianchi's estate today. The judge ruled that his last will and testament be respected. Everything he had now belongs to you._

 _The bakery Dominic sold to fund your abduction, the cars, and the apartment, which we also sold several weeks after your rescue. The total is just over $400,000._

 _It's all yours, legally. I won't make you return to Boston to claim it. You'll find all the documents for the bank account enclosed as well as a bank card for you to use until you decide to transfer the money into your name. If you feel something about using the money, why not start by just getting yourself something you need. It's getting cold again here…do you need a decent winter coat? You left yours behind. Buy yourself the best one you can find._

 _Oh, Jane. I can't pretend I haven't wondered how you're doing. I wonder if you're carrying your pregnancy to term and if you've found a place to live that makes you feel safe. I wonder if you're eating enough._

 _If you are still pregnant, love, please make sure that you are eating enough. Do not ignore your body when it asks for something. That's the baby asking for the nutrients it needs in the only way it knows how._

 _If you've been struggling, then this money should help you, although Korsak tells me you took pension the BPD offered. I've had the disability checks sent to your address, and I hope they help as well._

 _All I want is for you to be happy Jane. Please take that money, despite how you feel about it. I know how you think of it._

 _Please, my love._

 _Take care of yourself._

 _Maura_

….

…

Maura has been selfish.

They get ready to make their way downtown to the restaurant, and Jane glances at Maura as she shrugs on her coat, opening the hallway closet to pull out a stroller. It is light blue with a sunshade, and off the back of it, attached underneath the handles, is a little bicycle.

Isla, able to discern special meaning from the appearance of this stroller, raises her arms up in excitement.

"Dog park after brunch, Mama? You mean it?"

Jane smiles, holding out a fleece hat. "I mean it," she says. "If it's alright with Maura."

"Anything," Maura says at once. "Today, you two are my tour guides."

There is a new security guard at the desk when they enter the front lobby ten minutes later, but this man too seems to adore Jane's daughter.

"Hi, Arnav!" she calls to him as the elevator door slides open.

"Well, hello Isla!" the man calls back. He waves. "Good morning, Ms. Rizzoli. Ms. Isles."

His knowledge of her name startles her for a quick moment before she remembers that she'd signed in. Maura can see why Jane picked this building as her home. It must be comforting to know that someone is tracking the inhabitants and their guests.

"Doctor," Jane corrects quietly. And Maura ducks her head, embarrassed.

"My apologies," Arnav says at once. "Doctor Isles. Good morning."

"We are going to the Dog Park and Cowgirl, Arnav!" Isla says. "It's a special occasion because Morah is here for the weekend."

"What a lucky girl you are!" Arnav says.

Jane touches two of her fingers to the knuckles of Maura's hand, making her look around.

"Can I?" Jane stretches out her palm.

Maura nods, linking her fingers gently with Jane's. They head out the door, squinting up into the bright blue morning, and Maura cannot stop herself from feeling that the day is going to be a good one.

Cowgirl turns out to be an old west themed restaurant, complete with a little gift shop up front that sells Lincoln logs and penny candy.

"Howdy little lady," A woman greets Isla as they enter, and then she turns a bright, warm smile on Jane. "What's the occasion today?"

"Morah is here!" Isla says. She gestures to the doctor dramatically, and the hostesses surprise is not immediately hidden behind her professionalism. She looks at Jane for a beat longer than is necessary, but Maura has no idea what she's thinking.

"Well, Miss Rizzoli, Ma'am," she says then, grabbing an extra menu to add to the two she's already pulled out, "Let's see if we can see you in Jordan's section, hmm? I know he's just a itchin' to see you!"

Isla giggles at the woman's accent, reaching back to take her mother's hand.

"I'm gonna get french toast," she says, "and bacon and pancakes and eggs! Hi-ho, Silver!"

Jane chuckles, but it fades when she looks back at Maura.

"What is it?" she asks, concerned.

Maura shakes her head. She tries on a smile that does not convince her companion. She wants to tell Jane how selfish she has been, but the words get stuck in her throat. She can't make herself speak them. Jane would rush to comfort her, and that in itself would make her more selfish than before.

"Maura," Jane says, letting Isla climb into the little booth ahead of her. "What is it?"

Maura forces another smile onto her face. She knows by the way Jane relaxes that this one is more convincing.

"Nothing," she says. "I am just thrilled to be here with the two of you."

This is not, at least, a lie.

…

…

The day is a little warmer when they leave Cowgirl for the park. Isla is in a new t-shirt. The old one, now covered in syrup and jam, is tucked away into Jane's shoulder bag.

Maura wants to tell her that she is a fantastic mother.

She settles for asking to take her arm.

The question makes Jane grin.

So they make their way into the park. It is more crowded than it was when they left the apartment, and as they enter through the gate, Isla drops her hand from the stroller and runs ahead of them, disappearing for a second behind a couple coming in the opposite direction.

Jane flinches, stopping herself from running after her daughter with practiced effort.

Maura smiles a little sadly. "Do you want me to follow her?"

Jane tears her eyes away from Islas back to smile down at her. "No," she says, taking a breath. "No. I know where she's headed, and she doesn't like to get that far ahead anyway."

Maura nods, and true to Jane's word, Isla circles back after fifteen or twenty feet, grinning widely up at her.

"There's this one dog?" she says breathlessly, "and he has a thousand million spots on him. His name is Dandy. He is a Dal-nation."

"Dalmatian, I think," Maura says with a glance at Jane.

Isla takes the correction in stride. "Oh, yeah," she says. "I like him, and he licked me one time."

"Do you think she needs sunscreen today," Jane asks under her breath, and then she speaks up before Maura can answer. "Tiny, come here, I want to put some sunscreen on you."

Isla's face falls into a disgruntled expression. "Ohhh," she whines. "Mama. It is not hot."

"But the sun is out, and I don't want you to burn."

Isla pouts, stomping back to her mother. "I hate it," she snarls, and for the first time, Maura sees Dominic in the little girl's features. It is gone in under a second, and Jane isn't looking, But Maura knows that this is most likely not the first time it's happened.

She wonders what Jane does when she sees it. When Isla throws a tantrum, and her adorable smile turns into rage.

How is Jane able to bear it?

Jane is rooting around in the bag slung over the stroller, and she finally comes up with a little tube of SPF 25.

"Ha!" she says triumphantly. Then she see's Maura's face. "What's wrong?" she asks, reaching out a hand to draw Isla to her.

"I…" Maura will not tell the truth. She cannot think of anything close to a lie. "I…had a thought," she says vaguely. "I'm all right."

Jane's eyebrows crease. She looks like she's about to ask more, but then Isla tries to squirm away from her, and she turns her focus to her daughter.

Isla whines through the entire application of sunscreen, and when Jane lets her go, Maura sees she looks a little shaken.

"Took me a while to be able to keep her where I need her to be when she wants to be somewhere else," Jane says, trying at joviality. "Hold her when she didn't immediately want to be held."

"It's part of parenting," Maura says softly, and Jane's smile is more genuine.

"Yeah," she scoffs, starting forward again, "tell it to my brain, Dr. Isles."

"She trusts you unconditionally, Jane," Maura says, not willing to trade this moment in for joking just yet. "This morning, today at the restaurant, it's all evident. You've made her a wonderful world here."

Jane gives her a curious look but doesn't comment. The waitress at breakfast had displayed the same amount of confusion as the hostess, at seeing Jane and Isla as a party of three rather than two.

Though they'd adapted quickly to her presence, Maura doesn't think she'd imagined the second glances or the way they'd looked at her, as though sizing her up.

They reach their destination a couple of minutes later, and Isla gives an excited chirp as the fenced-in Dog Park comes into view. There are already ten or so dogs frolicking around on the grass, and as they draw closer, Maura sees Dandy, the Dalmatian is indeed among the mix.

"Dandy!" Isla calls, running up to the fence. "Dandy! Here puppy!"

The dog turns at his name and comes running when he catches sight of Isla. His excitement catches the eye of a man and woman off to the side, and they peel away from the group of dog owners they are talking to and head in the same direction.

Dandy comes right up to the fence where Isla is standing, and although he is wagging his tail furiously, and trying to lick her through the bars, Isla still waits patiently for the couple to come within hearing distance.

"Hi, Mr. Altman. Hi Mrs. Altman. Can I pet Dandy please?"

The man stops walking a couple yards away, though his wife keeps coming.

"You sure can," Mr. Altman calls. "Hello, Jane."

Jane waves. She smiles in his direction, though Maura thinks she is not looking directly at him. The woman reaches them a moment later.

"Hi Isla," she says warmly. "Hello, Jane…." her eyes fall on Maura, standing too close to them to not be part of the group. Her eyes light up. "You've brought a friend with you today!"

"Yeah," Jane says, giving the woman a shy smile. "Allie, this is Maura. Maura, this is Allison Altman."

The woman holds out her hand, and when they shake, Maura wants to pull the other woman closer and examine her. She wants to look inside her mind and pick out every interaction she's ever had with Jane and Isla.

"Mommy, can I go inside the pen with Dandy?"

Jane glances up at the man who must be Allison's husband. He hasn't come any closer, and though he's no longer looking at them, Maura has the impression that the serene look on his face is there for Jane's benefit.

"You ask Mrs. Altman. No pouting if she says no."

Allison laughs. "Of course you can, little angel." she looks up at Jane and Maura again. "Twenty?"

Jane nods. "Thank you," she says sincerely.

Allie nods, glancing at Maura again. "You'll be alright," she says. It is not a question.

Maura isn't sure who she's talking to.

Jane bends down and lifts Isla up and over the fence, into Allie's arms. "You listen to everything she says," Jane orders.

"Yes, Mommy!" Isla calls, but she is already off and running, Dandy on her heels, toward Mr. Altman.

"Henry!" She cries, excited. "Toss me."

Jane stiffens as she watches the man bend to open his arms to her daughter.

"I can put my hand on your arm," Maura murmurs. She waits until Jane nods quickly to do so. Jane jerks slightly, a quick intake of breath, as Henry Altman picks Isla up and tosses her lightly into the air.

Isla squeals, delighted.

When Maura looks around, Allison is looking back at her, beaming.

"We'll tire her out good for you," she promises softly, and then she strides away.

Jane and Maura stand in silence for a while, watching Isla throw sticks for the willing Dalmatian.

"Maura," Jane says after a while, and the doctor realizes that her hand is still on Jane's arm.

"Oh, I-"

"No," Jane smiles. "I just want to hold your hand instead. Okay?"

Maura drops her hand to Jane's. She was unaware that something so small could feel like such impressive progress.

"More than okay," she says.

…

…

 _Dear Jane,_

 _Did you give birth? Will you? Are you hungry? Cold? Why can't I come and see you? Are you lonely? Do you still suffer from insomnia? Is anyone helping you?_

 _Dear Jane,_

 _I am still invited to Sunday dinner. I still go._

 _We had lasagna. Frankie's girlfriend sat in your seat at the table by mistake and Angela got so angry she cried._

 _I stayed over, and we watched Casablanca and held hands. She didn't say that if you came back, things would be different, but that is the way I felt._

 _She fell asleep on the couch, and I left her covered with the afghan. You and she sleep in very similar ways._

 _Did you have a child, Jane?_

 _Does he sleep like your family?_

 _Dearest,_

 _Merry Christmas. Are you alone? Did you receive the present I sent you?_

 _Are you staying warm?_

 _Do you have anyone to talk to about the things that make you hurt?_

 _Barry comes over for dinner several times a month. At first, I think he did it to check up on me, but now I think he's actually come to enjoy the routine._

 _I am surprised to find that I do not need your help to be his friend._

 _When I cry at the thought of you alone, he holds my hand._

 _He is my best friend._

 _Dear Jane,_

 _What did you name the baby?_

 _Dear Jane,_

 _I hope that when you went in for the abortion, they were gentle with you. I hope they let you cry. I hope they wiped your tears._

 _Jane._

 _How is it that life has gone on?_

…

…

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jane has come to sit near her on the couch. Isla slept in her stroller all the way home from the park, and she'd barely stirred when Jane put her down for a nap in her room.

Now, Jane hands Maura a mug of tea that she does not remember requesting, though she is instantly happy to have something in her hands.

"Talk about what?" she asks.

Jane smirks. "About whatever it is that's been bothering you since breakfast," she says. "You think I didn't notice?"

Maura takes a sip. "I was hoping you didn't," she admits. "It isn't important."

Jane leans back, drawing one leg up onto the couch. "Yes it is," she says. "It bothered you all day." She frowns. "Did I do something? Was it-"

"No," Maura says quickly. She leans forward, like she wants to reach out and touch Jane's knee, but then stops herself. "No…I…It's me."

Jane doesn't answer. She waits with her eyes fixed intently on Maura's face.

"I've been selfish," Maura says finally.

Jane's eyebrows shoot upwards, but she is otherwise still.

"I realized today how selfish I've been when it comes to you."

Jane lets out a long breath, but she doesn't speak. She pulls her other leg up onto the couch to sit pretzel style. The move is out of character for the woman Maura used to know, but it seems to fit Jane now. It fits her new body.

"I used to sit at my desk, and write you letters," Maura says. "I would write ten, maybe fifteen letters before I had one that I felt able to send. I wanted to ask you so many things, and I wanted to tell you so many things. I worried about how you were doing so much, Jane. I used to stay up late, some nights thinking about what you might be doing. If you'd had a child, and were all alone, with no one to help you."

Jane's jaw has tightened, but it is not from anger. She shakes her head jerkily.

"That's not selfish," she says roughly. "That's selfless and understandable."

But Maura waves this declaration away. "I wanted you to be heartbroken without me, Jane," she confesses. "I wanted to come here this weekend and see how you'd been struggling. How Isla had been struggling…without me."

Jane looks up at her, eyes wide and surprised.

"I thought you were alone here," Maura continues, fighting to keep her composure until she is sure Jane understands. "I thought you were alone and isolated here. By choice."

 _Just say it._ Maura braces herself.

"I thought he broke you, Jane. And I thought you left to spare us. I wanted to believe that because the alternative didn't include me. And I couldn't bear that. I couldn't-"

Maura is brought up short by a hand on her wrist, and it is only then that she realizes that she has shut her eyes in an attempt to keep tears from falling.

"Hey," Jane says gently, "Maura. Don't cry."

"You never used to understand the effect you had on the people you'd meet," Maura says. "Victims on cases, their families, even suspects. You commanded rooms. People wanted to be near you. They felt protected by you. They felt safe in your presence."

Jane's hand doesn't move from her wrist, but she frowns slightly, disagreement in her expression.

"It's true. You never saw it, but it was an integral part of you, Jane. And I thought it was gone. I thought without it, you wouldn't be…"

"It is gone," Jane says quietly. "You're right."

Maura shakes her head, scooting closer so that Jane looks up at her. "No," she says, too loudly. Jane recoils slightly.

"No," Maura says. "It's not gone. It's just…God, it's the same, but now, you inspire such protectiveness."

Jane looks at her, her expression somewhere between love and fear.

"They would have barred me from the restaurant," Maura says. "If you'd asked. Henry Altman? He kept his distance, but if I'd so much as threatened you, he'd have been there in a second."

Jane almost smiles.

"You command rooms, Jane, no matter where you go. People remember you. People care about you. He couldn't have taken that from you. Not ever. I'm sorry I thought he could have."

Jane wraps her hand gently around Maura's wrist, pulling it away from the doctor's face, and settling it in her lap.

For all of the feelings this gesture gives Maura, they might as well be embracing.

"I'm not going back to Boston," Jane says quietly. "I can't. But…I want you in this life, Maura." Jane sighs. "And I know it's too much to ask. And I know that you're not going to just put down your life to be with"-

"Hush," Maura says, grinning wide enough that she's sure she looks a little crazy. She waits until Jane meets her eyes to speak again.

She says, "yes."


	6. Interlude: Lex

_Lex is working the second half of her second shift when she notices the woman. At first, Lex thinks that she's a junkie. They're not common in this part of town, but it isn't unheard of. The woman is certainly acting like a junkie. She comes up to the door of the BuyQuik several times, but each time, loses her nerve, backing off as other customers exit or cars pull into the little parking lot._

 _But the third time this happens, when the woman gets close enough that she is illuminated by the lights outside the entrance, Lex sees that she has a baby. She has a tiny baby in a front carrier; Lex can see its small legs and the rounded puff of a little hat. It is this fact that makes her call out to Jeremy that she's taking an early 15, and to cover the register._

 _The woman retreats into the shadows as Lex approaches, her eyes are dark and fearful. She wraps her arms around the baby carrier and watches every move Lex makes._

 _Maybe she is homeless. She's undoubtedly skinny enough for this to be possible._

 _Maybe she stole that baby and doesn't want anyone to see her._

 _Maybe she needs something but doesn't have any money._

" _What's up?" Lex calls, stopping just at the edge of the light cast by the store._

 _It is dusk, about to be dark and cold._

 _The woman doesn't answer her, though her jaw works like she's trying to say something._

 _Maybe she's a mute._

" _You okay?" Lex asks because she can't think of anything else to say._

 _The woman nods and then shakes her head. It appears that she forces herself to look Lex in the eyes._

" _I need some groceries," she says slowly. The words are deliberate, giving Lex the impression that she might not speak English very often._

" _Okay," Lex says with a small smile. "Well, we got those." Something occurs to her. "You scared to come in?"_

 _This earns her a glare that is furious enough to melt pavement._

 _But. "Yes," The woman says. She grits her teeth and looks down. "I don't like people."_

 _Lex studies her for a long moment, until the baby makes a soft mewling sound that prompts her mother to kiss her fleece covered head._

" _I get that," Lex says. "People are the fucking worst."_

 _The woman looks at her sharply but doesn't respond to this. For a moment, they are silent, just looking at each other, and then the baby in the woman's arms gives a little squawk._

" _She's wet," the brunette says, voice going soft as she looks down at the baby. Lex decides she must be the mother. No one but a mother looks at her child that way._

" _I'm out of diapers," she says. She looks back up, and something about her expression makes Lex move a little closer. She is fierce and brave, perhaps, yet still so obviously frightened._

 _Lex knows how that feels._

" _I'll get them for you," she says, without thinking. "And anything else you need. If you want."_

 _The woman looks up into Lex's face, unblinking. "I have money," she says finally. She shifts the bundle of baby a little bit and reaches into her pocket. "And a list," she adds._

 _So it really must be a people thing. She puts her hand out before stepping forward, an instinct to be kind to this woman, who reminds Lex of an injured bird of prey._

 _She scans the list, noticing as she goes that most of it is for the baby. Snugglers, size 2. Cheerios. Apple juice. Cottage cheese. Chew ring. 2x new pacifier. Ice tray._

" _What are you going to eat?" Lex asks before she can help it. "There's nothing on here for you."_

 _The brunette makes a noise that sounds like she's been offended._

" _I'm fine," she murmurs. "I just need that stuff."_

 _Lex nods, tucking the money into her pocket. "Okay. I'll be back in a couple minutes."_

 _She turns to walk back across the parking lot to the store and then thinks better of it. She turns back, and pulls her wallet out of her back pocket and holds it out._

" _My name's Lex," she says. "Here's my wallet to prove I won't steal your money or anything."_

 _The woman hesitates for a full beat before stepping up to take the wallet out of Lex's hand._

" _Jane," she says, eyes on the ground. "Thanks."_

 _Lex smiles and turns back toward the store._

…

…

Lex has never been to Boston. Lots of her friends in College always found this to be unbelievable.

 _You've lived in New York your whole life and you've never even been to Massachusetts?_

She couldn't tell them that her family never had the money or the time, and then, when she was old enough, she hadn't had those things either.

Now she steps off of the T, and follows the GPS on her phone to the precinct where she knows Dr. Isles works.

It is a blustery Thursday morning, and Lex feels out of place. With her ripped jeans and old backpack, she stands out among the morning work rush.

This has been her plan ever since putting Isla to bed on Tuesday night. Isla had still been full of excitement from Maura's visit, although Jane had looked pale and a little shaky. She'd returned from her therapy appointment and asked Lex to stay for a bit.

They'd split a six pack of Becks NA's, and watched a couple episodes of The First 48. When Lex had left, she wasn't sure if Jane was going to stay up all night crying or stay up all night keeping watch.

She hadn't been sure which was worse.

So here she is, standing in front of a burly, bored looking security guard, as he calls down to the precinct morgue.

"Hello Dr. Isles, I have a woman here who says she's gotta talk with you."

Lex bites her lip to keep from smiling at his accent.

He glares at her. "Says her name's Alexis."

"Tell her it's Lex, from New York," Lex says in a low whisper.

He glares at her again, but does as she's asked. Lex watches has his expression changes from disbelief into one of comical surprise.

"Okay, Doctor Isles," he says. "Yes, ma'am. I'll send her down."

He replaces the phone in its cradle and jerks a thumb over his shoulder.

"Last elevator on the right," he says. "Doc said she'd meet you."

Lex hefts her backpack and, taking the visitor badge he hands her, pushes through the little turnstile and heads toward the elevator.

…

Maura Isles is waiting for her when she gets off of the elevator. She steps forward as the doors slide open, looking extremely worried.

"Lex?" she questions, as Lex steps into the hall. She sees Maura look behind her as if to see that she's alone. "What is it?" she asks. "Are you alone? Is Jane okay? Is Isla?"

The panic in her tone makes Lex lose her voice for a second. She hadn't expected this woman to interpret her arrival as a sign of disaster.

For a moment she just stares at the doctor, taking in the way her fear is slowly dissolving into terror.

And then, when she thinks it would be cruel to let the silence stand any further, she opens her mouth and says, "nothing's wrong. They're fine. I came on my own."

She expects the change to be immediate. She expects relief to erase the lines of stress that have appeared on the doctor's forehead. Instead, the news almost brings her to her knees.

Lex reaches out to take Maura's hand without thinking, to steady her as she puts a hand over her mouth and starts to cry.

"Didn't you hear me?" Lex asks, knowing her own voice sounds a little panicked now. "I said they're fine.

"Yes," Maura manages. "I heard you." She clears her throat. "I-I'm relieved, is all."

She pulls her hand away from Lex's after a moment and puts it in her hair. It is a nervous tic that Lex's mother has.

"Sorry," Lex says after a moment. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Maura shakes her head. "It's fine," she says, though her voice is still a little high. "It was just unexpected."

They stand there in silence, not looking at each other. Lex wants to tell Maura that she knows that she and Jane were in love. She wants to tell her that she's seen the picture of the two of them on their favorite bench in the park.

She wants to tell the doctor that she _understands_ the desire she feels to reinsert herself into Jane's life.

"Why don't we go into my office?" Maura says into the awkward silence.

"Okay," Lex answers.

Maura is beautiful. Lex has to admit that, even if she doesn't entirely like her. Maura settles herself at her desk, and Lex sits down on the other side, and for a moment there is just the ticking of the clock behind the doctor's head.

"What's brought you to Boston?" Maura asks, apparently trying to be polite.

"You," Lex says shortly. "I came to see you."

Though she tries, Maura is not wholly successful at hiding her surprise. She folds her hands on her desk. Lex wonders if it is to keep them from shaking.

"To see me?" she asks, voice still light. "That's-"

"You can't make her come back here!" She doesn't mean to say it so loudly, so abruptly, but something about the doctor (how put together she is, how attractive) makes her feel both protective and afraid.

"I can't…" Maura's eyes widen a little as she understands. "Jane? I would _never_ make her do anything she didn't-"

"If you ask her, she'll do it," Lex interrupts, feeling the words start to flow without her permission. "If you tell her you want her to come back to Boston, she will!"

"Lex."

"She'll do it, and drag Isla with her, and it will _hurt_ her so bad, but she'll never say a thing. It will kill her-"

"Lex!"

"But she'll never say anything because you all think she's still some unbreakable, im-impervious-"

"LEX!"

Maura's voice, yelling, finally breaks through her tirade, and again the two just sit there, staring at each other.

"Here," Maura says quietly. She slides a small box of tissues across the desk, and Lex realizes that she is crying.

She pulls a tissue out and puts it to her eyes, embarrassed. "Sorry."

Maura's face softens, although she doesn't smile. "There is nothing to be sorry for," She answers. "You care about Jane very much. That's obvious."

There is something in her voice that Lex can't place. It is kinder than condescension, but not entirely friendly.

"She's not the same person who left, you know," Lex says, some of her determination returning. "You don't know her anymore."

Maura colors, her lips setting themselves into a firm line. She doesn't answer this, which makes Lex hate her a little.

"You don't know what it's like for her to bring you back into her life," she tries again, and this time, she gets a reaction.

"You do?" Maura asks.

The question makes Lex's head jerk up, but when she looks at the doctor, it seems that she is genuinely asking.

"Yeah," she says slowly. "Jane's my best friend. I know her really well."

The words 'best friend' make Maura Isles flinch. She blinks at Lex for a long time, possibly trying to settle on something to say.

"Are you – were you ever – more than that?" She asks after a long pause. "More than...friends?" The question seems to hurt her as she says it.

It still takes Lex a long moment to understand. "No!" she says, and her embarrassment turns into hot, white anger like a coin flip.

"She doesn't think like that, Dr. Isles. She doesn't want anything like that at all. You can't make her-"

"I wouldn't," Maura interrupts her, biting the end of the sentence like a threat. "I would never, even for a second-"

"Well, she thinks that. She thinks you want to be her girlfriend again."

"Of _course_ I want to be her girlfriend again!" Maura cries, her own voice rising. Lex thinks she's said this last sentence without hearing herself. "You think there's a moment that goes by where I don't-" she pulls up short, clamping her mouth down around whatever it is that she cannot stop thinking about.

Lex feels a tear drip down her nose.

Maura takes a deep breath. "Okay," she says, breathing out. "Okay. Lex. Yelling at each other isn't very productive." She pauses, but Lex doesn't answer her.

"You came here, all the way to Boston because you had some important things to say to me, correct?"

Lex nods. She reaches out and grabs another tissue. "Yeah," she says, and when she looks up, Maura smiles at her. It is tight and relatively forced, but she's trying.

"So," Maura says. "I find what always helps me is laying some context." She must be able to read the confusion in Lex's eyes, because she continues. "Instead of just jumping in, why not give me some background? What brought you here? What makes you think I'll behave in a way that will hurt the woman I'm in love with? Or her daughter?" she pauses, leaning back in her seat.

"Start at the beginning," she says softly.

Lex looks down at her lap.

She licks her lips.

.

 _It's a routine she comes to rely on. She is 22, working a dead end job, with six and a half college credits under her belt, and a studio apartment that houses only one other living thing; her succulent, Oliver._

 _But Jane comes into her life, and suddenly she has a purpose._

 _The fifth time the mother and baby arrive, it is too cold for them to wait outside. Lex doesn't like to think about the walk there._

 _Isla, that's the little girl's name, is bundled so tightly that only her eyes are visible, but Jane is wearing the same fall coat that she always wears, her wild, unruly hair blowing every which way in the wind._

" _Just...come inside," Lex says, a little desperately. "You can hang out in the tampon aisle, near adult diapers. No one ventures down there."_

 _This makes half of a smile appear on Jane's face, and Lex has to bit her lips to keep herself from whooping. It takes a lot to make the brunette smile. Lex has yet to hear her laugh._

" _Please, Jane?"_

 _The use of her name makes Jane look at her sharply._

 _Lex has so many questions for her. She has so many theories she's dying to have confirmed._

" _Okay," Jane says, wrapping her arms around the baby in a way that signals she's nervous. "Just for a little bit."_

 _At the end of an hour, Lex has successfully talked Jane into a new winter coat, an ear warmer, and a pair of fleece gloves._

 _She has discovered that Jane is from Boston, that she is 34 years old, and that she does not ever, ever want anyone to touch her._

 _Jane uses a credit card to pay for the extra purchases, and that is when Lex makes the most important discovery of the night._

 _Jane's last name is Rizzoli._

…

…

"I googled her name that next day," Lex says, still looking down at her lap. She hasn't confessed this to anyone, and saying it out loud feels good. "I called out the next day and just read and reread all those articles."

Lex glances at Maura. "I never told her that I did it. But I think she knew."

Maura nods at her, looking thoughtful. "I imagine she did," she says. "And I imagine that when you didn't bring it up, she was grateful."

"When Isla turned one, she asked me to bring her to daycare," Lex says. "She couldn't make herself do it, but she said she needed it. She said if she was ever going to be as smart as the woman she was named after, that she needed to go out into the world. That was the first time I'd heard your name."

Maura makes a noise that is like clearing a throat mixed with a whimper.

"I didn't even know she'd had a baby."

"She told me about you guys. She told me how she ran when you said you didn't want the baby."

Maura jerks forward, looking fierce. Her hands curl into fists. "I wanted that baby," she hisses. "I wanted them both. Her mother-" she breaks off. She takes a breath.

"I wanted her to have the freedom to choose," she says slowly. "I wanted her to be free of him. I…"

"If you wanted her to be free of him, then why did you give her that letter?"

Maura stares at her. "What are you talking about?"

"The letter!" Lex snarls. "That fucking... _tome_ he wrote her before he killed himself. Why did you let her read it? Why-" but when she looks up at Maura, she sees that the doctor has gone pale. She has to swallow several times to speak again.

"Jane, she, she has Dominic's letter?"

Lex gapes at her, trying to figure out if the doctor is sincere. She doesn't think that even someone as controlled as Maura Isles would be able to drain her face of all its blood like that.

"You didn't give it to her." It's a pointless thing to say. It makes tears spring to the doctor's eyes.

"Jane's read his suicide letter," Maura says to herself. She leans back in her chair, and her eyes close. "I didn't even know it was gone."

Lex doesn't know what to say. This changes most if not all of the assumptions she's been stockpiling regarding this woman.

"She stole it?"

"It's hers," Maura says quickly. "She can't steal something that's hers."

Lex doesn't answer her, but Maura doesn't seem to want a response. All of a sudden, she leans forward, smiling widely.

"This is one of the last pictures we took together before he…before she was…" Maura falters. "Before she was gone."

She picks a frame up off the corner of her desk and holds it out to Lex, who leans forward to take it.

The Jane Rizzoli in this picture is hardly recognizable. She is at least fifteen pounds heavier, and she sits on the edge of a rowboat, her eyes crinkled in laughter.

"She has two dimples."

Maura smiles, it is genuine and gentle. "She does," she agrees.

"I…didn't know." Lex hands the photo back.

Maura nods, leaning back in her chair. "She told me that you were there for her and for Isla when she was very low."

"Yeah," Lex says, unwilling to go into it, even with the woman Jane has described as 'the kindest woman in the world.'

"I am aware of the differences between the woman who was kidnapped and the woman she is now, Lex," Maura says softly. "And I do not delude myself into believing we could ever be as carefree as the two people in that photograph. Don't you think I've asked myself what it would be like to never get to _hold_ her again?"

No. Lex hadn't thought of that.

"And I know that my move won't be immediate. And I know it won't be into her apartment. But I cannot simply…"

"Wait," Lex sits forward as the words percolate. "Wait," she repeats. "Move?"

Maura looks at her. "Yes. I'm moving to New York. I already told Jane I would. It's going to be difficult. Her mother is going to be furious. But-" She breaks off as Lex lets out a muffled sob.

"Oh!" she says, and then when she realizes Lex is grinning, she says it a bit softer. "Oh."

'Doctor," Lex begins. She wants to say that she has underestimated her. She wants to say that she is sorry for yelling, but not sorry for the things she said.

She wants to say that she has never met a woman who is quite like Jane and that she doesn't know what she would do without her presence.

But Maura waves her off, seeming to understand that there aren't words available for Lex to voice all of this.

"I know," she says. "I know."


	7. Interlude: Jane

_Allison Altman is already waiting for her when she pushes the door to the meeting room open. As always, the other woman is dressed impeccably, from her fitted blazer to her tailored jeans. She is wearing her hair in two long braids that make her look a decade younger than she really is._

 _She turns at the sound of the door and smiles her broad, warm smile._

" _Hello, Jane!"_

" _Hey Allison," Jane says. As usual, the kindness this woman always bestows on her makes her feel exposed. "Uh, h-how are you?"_

 _Allie's smile doesn't fade. "I'm doing well. I'm so glad you came."_

" _Well, you sounded like it was urgent on the phone. Is Isl-I mean the baby-is the baby okay?" Jane trips over her words, cursing herself for it. Cursing herself for almost using Isla's name._

 _Allison is staring at her intently. There is now a little frown creasing the skin between her eyebrows. "…Do you think so little of Henry and me that you think we would give your daughter a new name?" She asks softly._

" _I…no," Jane says quickly. She glances around at the mention of Allison's husband, but he doesn't appear. "You two have been so amazing through this whole process. I - I just thought – I – she's not my daughter."_

" _Jane," Allison crosses her arms, but her expression is sad. "Even if we'd decided to adopt her, she would still be your daughter. She will always be your daughter."_

 _Jane nods, wishing this didn't feel like a knife directly below her ribs before she fully absorbs the sentence._

 _She looks up, wide-eyed. "Wait, what," she asks, feeling her throat start to tighten. "You… You don't want her?"_

 _Allison shakes her head, frowning deeply. "Jane," she says firmly. "That's not the reason. Of course that's not-"_

 _Jane's hands are shaking. Allison's words barely reach her. "Is it something I did?" She asks. She'd made the agency tell her story up front, and then prescreen the applicants before they came to her. She's made sure the parents who met with her knew what they were getting._

 _A baby, not a newborn, and one born out of violence and pain._

" _Is there something wrong with my bio, or…Did I say something in the interview? I got into college, I just didn't go. And D-dom...her f-father was – he was…he-"_

 _She cannot say his name. Calling him Isla's father is almost worse. The world tunnels and disappears for a moment._

 _A hand grips her upper arm, and she tries to pull away. She hears herself make a sound that is high and frightened._

 _Embarrassing._

" _Hey, Jane," Allison's voice is right next to her ear. "Look at me…Jane! Sweetheart, take some deep breaths."_

 _Jane tries. She blinks, and Dominic Bianchi's face is above her, his eyes are closed in a combination of pleasure and peace._

 _Jane clamps her lips together to keep from getting sick._

" _Jane," Allison says. "Deep breaths, there you go. There you go, darling. Here, sit down. Let's sit down right here, okay? That's it."_

 _Maura calls me darling, Jane thinks disjointedly._

 _Dominic can never know. He can never have them. He can't have- "You have to take her," she says thickly, forcing herself back into the present._

 _When she can open her eyes, it is to see Allison's blue ones looking back at her. They are sitting on the couch in the meeting room. It is the exact place where she handed Isla over to them, just ten days ago._

" _You're great people. She'll be so happy and loved with you. I chose you."_

 _She is begging._

 _She doesn't care. "Please, whatever I did-"_

" _You are great people, Jane!" Allison says, turning to face her completely._

" _You didn't do anything wrong. The reason we're not adopting Isla is because you are an amazing woman. And the two of you need each other. I couldn't split you two up. Not even if I wanted to."_

 _Jane shakes her head. Her heart is starting to pick up again. Why won't this woman understand? "I can't do it. I can't take care of her."_

" _Well you've had everyone fooled for the better part of four months," Allison responds, teasing. "What's changed?"_

 _Jane thinks of how she'd barely managed to get diapers last week. She thinks of the 'Mommy & Me class she walks by on the way to her therapist. _

_The one who isn't helping._

" _I…I can't protect her," she whispers._

" _Oh, is that all?" Allison reaches out, almost all the way. Jane only has to find a little courage to close the gap._

" _No parents can protect their children, Jane. Not in the way you're talking about. I know it probably feels insurmountable. I can't imagine what you've been through. But it doesn't make you an unfit mother."_

 _Jane swallows hard. The pressure of Allison's hand is reassuring. When they had met, she'd taken a step back instead of forward. Jane had most of her mind made up at that moment._

" _I want what's best for her," she says. "I want to give her…I want her to be happy."_

" _You were sinking," Allison says gently. "I get it. You might need a different type of help, Jane, okay? But this isn't the answer. Don't give up on her, or yourself."_

" _Please, Allie," Jane begins, ready to try again to make this woman see, but at that moment there is a baby's squawk from the hallway, and Jane looks around, wide-eyed. She would know that sound anywhere._

 _A nurse in scrubs with teddy bears patterned on the front is standing in the doorway._

 _She is holding Isla in her arms._

 _Jane's hands stop shaking. "Oh, my God."_

" _Look who it is!" Allison says, standing. "Look who's here, precious girl! Is that Mama? Is that your Mommy?"_

 _Isla looks at Jane and smiles._

 _Jane is standing, reaching for her daughter before her brain catches up._

" _She grew!" she says, taking the baby in her arms. "Oh, she's beautiful."_

 _Allison laughs. "Look at her smile," she says warmly. "She knows who you are. She missed you!"_

 _Jane presses her head to Isla's dark curls. She can't tell if she is laughing or crying. If she is so full of love that nothing else can get through or if she is so full of fear that it is blocking out her ability to process anything._

" _I love you," she whispers. And then louder. "I love her."_

" _I know you do," Allison says. "And it's going to be okay."_

 _Isla. In her arms. Back home._

 _She will never stop being sorry for the ten days when she thought her daughter better off without her. She will never stop being afraid her daughter would be better off without her._

 _She cannot do it alone._

" _Will you be there?" She asks without thinking, realizing too late how insensitive her request is. "If I need – shit – I'm sorry. That's a horrible thing to ask. I-"_

" _Shh," Allison says, watching as Isla turns her face into her mother's chest, looking to nurse._

" _Of course we will. You can count on us. It will be. Okay."_

 _Jane nods. "Okay."_

…

…

"It's good to see you, Jane! How are you feeling today?"

Jane shrugs, taking her seat in her favorite spot in the little office. One of the things she likes about her psychologist is that she knows and remembers Jane's habits. She has already arranged the pillows the way Jane likes them.

"I'm tired," Jane says, settling herself. "Isla has been a bear this week. Fussy and pouty."

Dr. Royer allows herself a small smile. "It could be that she is still over excited from Dr. Isles visit to the city?" she suggests.

Jane looks up at her, smirking. "Jumping right in then?" she asks.

"Well," Dr. Royer's smile grows. "If you recall, we booked you a double session this evening, in case there had been any...difficult times."

Jane hadn't remembered, but the knowledge that she won't be limited to the usual fifty minutes does make her feel better. "I forgot," she says honestly.

"That's promising."

"Yeah…" Jane rubs the back of her neck while she thinks. "It was nice...on the whole, to have her. She started asking me about boundaries without me telling her. And she made sure to ask Isla too."

"You never thought that would be an issue," remarks Dr. Royer.

"No," Jane agrees. "Yeah. It was just...nice."

"And she spent two nights in your apartment," Dr. Royer continues. "That's the first time anyone has done so since the week we first met."

Jane nods.

"I gave her my phone number," she says. "When she was leaving. I...gave her my phone number. And she hasn't called."

Dr. Royer pauses before asking the obvious question. "And how does that make you feel?"

Jane rolls her eyes, but answers. "Relieved."

It was Allison Altman who found Dr. Royer for Jane. Though they'd promised to stay in touch, it was more than a year before Jane called her. She can still remember dialing the phone with shaking hands, listening to Lex and Isla singing along to Bob the Builder in the background.

A year later, and Allison still picked up the phone with a warm sounding, "Jane."

"I...need help." It was only the kindness in the tone that allowed Jane to admit this. "I need help, Allison. Please?"

"Jane?" Dr. Royer's voice brings her out of the memory. "There you are. Where did you go, just now? It didn't seem to be a wholly upsetting place."

"I told Maura that I wasn't going to go back to Boston."

"How did she take that."

Jane frowns a little. "Better than I thought she would."

"Does that worry you?"

Jane shakes her head and then when the silence stretches, she sighs and nods. "Yes," she says. "I think she would move here to be with me."

"Think?" Dr. Royer presses.

"Know," Jane concedes. "She said as much."

"You seem so surprised," Dr. Royer observes. There is just the hint of amusement in her voice. "The Jane who left my office last week was worried that Dr. Isles would bring it up herself."

"Would my Ma want to move here too?" Jane wonders aloud.

"Ah," Dr. Royer says, understanding.

"What would Korsak and Frost and Frankie think? That I just...don't care about them?"

"Perhaps you are getting ahead of yourself," Jane hears the doctor say. She shakes her head, distracted.

"And it's not like there's even such a thing as being 'with' me anymore anyway," she mumbles. "I don't have anything really, to offer."

Dr. Royer clears her throat in apparent disagreement. "I am currently with you, Jane. In the most technical sense," she points out. "And I spend possibly the most time with you outside of your child. And I find you to be an engaging, smart, mildly charming, guarded, and sarcastic woman. You pay me to see you each week, but I do not wish it were less often, nor would I attempt to transfer you to another doctor." She pauses here, possibly to gauge how her small speech is going over, and then adds, "I might even work rather hard to keep you as a patient. I've seen tremendous growth, working with you. And I've become invested in your wellbeing."

Jane makes a motion with her hands, and the Psychologist falls silent.

"That's not fair," Jane says thickly. She squeezes the pillow next to her, comforting herself. "You know all the things to say so that I believe you."

Dr. Royer chuckles. "Let's go back to Saturday morning," she says, still smiling. "Tell me about the day the three of you spent together."

…

…

 _It stays hard, even after she finds Lex._

 _Isla is a baby, easygoing and sweet-tempered, but a baby nonetheless, and sometimes when she is crying, Jane will put her down on the changing table, or in her crib, and she will hold her head hard enough to make it ache._

 _Sometimes she feels like Dominic has her trapped still, from beyond the grave._

 _This therapist, whom she does not like, she repeatedly asks about how Jane is feeling._

 _Jane cannot come up with any word other than hard._

 _It is hard to leave Isla alone, because what if something happens to her. It is hard to be with her all of the time, and love her so deeply, and hate her father so much._

 _It is hard to bathe her, to feed her, to wrestle her into a onesie when she doesn't want to be dressed. Is Jane holding her miniscule wrists too hard? Does she really have to pat so firmly when she's burping? Jane pumps her breast milk multiple times a day because bringing the baby to her body, coming in contact with another human like that…_

 _She cannot do it._

 _The therapist nods, not making eye contact, and Jane has the impression that her presence makes the other woman supremely uncomfortable. The idea makes her feel dirty and unwanted._

 _She decides that she will not go back to that woman. She determines that no therapy is better than inadequate treatment._

 _When she gets home from the appointment, she finds Lex on the couch with Isla lying on her back on Lex's knees. They are playing some sort of game that ends in Lex blowing a raspberry on Isla's stomach. The action makes the baby squeal and wiggle with laughter._

 _Jane's eyes burn with jealousy, and Lex must be able to pick up on her mood because when she deposits Isla back into Jane's arms, she says, "She likes singing."_

 _Jane blinks at her. "Singing?"_

" _Yeah. She likes lullabies and stuff like that. It's just as comforting as cuddling her."_

 _Jane nods, feeling how jerky her movements are in her attempt to keep her emotions in check. She wants to say how fucking grateful she is to this kid for basically giving up a weekend and a weeknight to help a reclusive mother._

 _She wants to say that she knows Lex read all the articles about her, and Jane's so glad that she hasn't asked about any of it._

 _She wants to tell her that it is possible that no one else will ever know what the inside of her apartment looks like._

 _She rubs Isla's back with the tips of her fingers. "Do you want a beer?" she asks. "I mean...it's NA. I don't really - uh - I don't really drink anymore. But do you want one? I was gonna watch TV for a bit before dinner._

 _Lex smiles and nods._

…

 _It happens the next day, while Jane is in the kitchen contemplating lunch. She's left Isla on her stomach on her play mat, and eventually, the jingling of the little bell that the baby likes to hit fades into the back of her subconscious. It is only when the silence has stretched for too many minutes that Jane registers the absence of noise._

 _She walks into the living room._

 _Isla is not there._

 _Jane stares at the mat where she'd left her child. She is frozen. She is unable to even blink._

 _Panic is rising inside her, is warring with powerful and devastating grief. Her baby was here, and now she is not. She is gone, as though someone heard those fleeting moments when she wished it was so._

 _She doesn't wish it to be so._

 _She sobs. Hand to her mouth, she makes one, hoarse staccato sound._

 _From behind the armchair in the corner, a baby echoes her._

 _A moment later, Isla appears, pushing herself along in a scoot/crawl combo that is too fast for Jane's liking._

 _The relief knocks the wind out of her. She sinks to her knees and cries as the baby scoots toward her. When she is close enough, Jane gathers her into her arms and hugs her as tightly as she dares._

" _I'm so proud of you," she whispers. "You did it!"_

 _Isla looks at her, concerned. "Bleh," she says, putting a tiny hand to Jane's chin. "Ayayay."_

 _Jane guffaws through her tears. "I'm okay," she says. "I thought you were gone. But you're just...you can crawl. You learned all by yourself, Isla! You did so good."_

 _She smiles, and Isla grins back at her. "Ma!" she says._

 _Jane presses her forehead to her daughter's. "You are going to be so, so smart," she murmurs. "Just like her."_

 _When it is time for Isla to eat, Jane decides, she won't pump._

 _She will try breastfeeding._

 _When it is time for her daughter to sleep, she will sing._

…

…

 _Hi_

Jane hits send before she can second-guess herself. It is Thursday, and still, Maura has not texted her. It is clear she is waiting for Jane to do so first. She has understood the importance of being given the number, and she is taking it seriously. She moves to put the phone down, but it buzzes in her palm almost immediately.

 _ **Hello, Jane. How are you?**_

Jane bites her lip, and then ultimately decides to ignore the question.

 _Isla drew you a picture at school today. She carried it all the way home so it wouldn't wrinkle._

Again the answer is immediate, and Jane can see Maura's face in her mind's eye as she'd typed her response.

 _ **Thank her for me. I will love it.**_

 _I will._

After that, she doesn't know what to say. She can think back to days when their text conversations were pages and pages long. Just endless texts back and forth about nothing.

About everything.

Jane rubs her hands over her face. She still hates small talk. That is one thing about her that has not changed.

One of the reason that she loved Maura was because she was so bad at it.

Loves. She loves Maura still, whatever that word means to her now.

Thank you for not giving this number to my Ma or anyone.

That is what she decides on. It is how she feels, even if it's not the loudest of her emotions.

Of course

And then.

I had a lovely time this weekend. I can only imagine what it took for you to welcome me into your home. You are still the bravest person I know.

Jane presses the phone to her chest.

"Mommy?"

Jane looks up to see Isla in the doorway of her bedroom. She is holding her favorite stuffed animal, a snowman named Olaf, around the middle, and her light grey eyes are squinty in the light.

"Hey, bean," Jane says, putting her phone down. "You can't sleep?"

Isla shakes her head and comes to sit next to Jane on the couch. She puts Olaf up first and then scrambles to sit on her mother's lap.

"I'm worried," she says, pressing her head back against Jane's chest.

"Oh no," Jane says softly. "What are you worried about?"

"I don't know," Isla says. "It was a dream. It was too scary. I wanted you to hug me."

Jane tightens her hold. "Well I'm holding you right now," Jane says. "And I will until you feel better, okay? And I'll never let anything happen."

"No bad things?" Isla asks.

"Nope," Jane says. She wonders if Isla can hear her heart. It's beating hard inside her chest. She is trying to keep her voice light, and she thinks she is succeeding. Isla sighs contentedly.

"Sing me a song," she says sleepily.

Jane smiles. "Okay. Which one."

"Flowah," Isla says. She hugs Olaf tight and kisses the top of his head. "Mommy'll sing us," She says. "Everything is okay."

Jane nods, leaning them to the side so that Isla is lying down. She kisses the top of her head.

 _When you sleep softly, the angels come_

 _Like diamonds, like my love_

 _They want to know it's true_

 _There's someone in the world, lovely as you_

 _They hear you when you cry_

 _This love is far and wide_

 _When you smile the stars align_

 _Flower of the universe_

 _And child of mine_

"Is there such thing as angels?" Isla asks. She is just on the edge of sleep.

"I don't know," she says honestly.

Isla opens a sleepy eye. "You're a angel," she says. She smiles and nuzzles closer. "My mommy," she mumbles.

Jane presses her lips together but doesn't answer. There is nothing she can say in response.

"Mommy?"

"I'm here, Tiny."

"Will Morah come again?"

Jane smiles. "You like her a lot, huh?"

Isla nods. She puts the end of Olaf's carrot nose into her mouth, a sure sign that sleep is only seconds away.

"Make her come soon," she says. "Sing again."

Jane suppresses a chuckle. "You got it, sweetheart."

 _They come to see the fire burning in your heart  
They want to witness, this love from the start  
They hear you when you cry  
This love is far and wide  
When you smile the stars align  
Flower of the universe  
And child of mine_

…

She wakes up hours later, her neck at an awkward angle against the couch, and Isla pressed into her front like a hot water bottle. She sits up slowly and then stands, bending to pick her daughter up.

"Sleep with you," Isla murmurs, when she is halfway to her bedroom.

"You sure?" Jane asks, "You don't want to sleep in the pirate ship?"

"No," Isla says, a little more awake. "Sleep. With. You."

Jane turns around, holding in a sigh. She will not deny Isla the comfort she gets from snuggling under the covers next to her, but she is still not used to the feeling of someone else in her bed. Even her daughter's tiny body against hers means that she won't get a lot of sleep.

It means that she will wake up, six years and thirteen days after the last time it happened, and check her wrists for bruising.

She slides them under the covers together and then makes sure that Isla's breathing is deep and even before sliding her finger along the bottom of her iPhone.

 _ **You are still the bravest person I know.**_

Jane takes a breath.

 _Will you come back?_ She types. _Is there any time that's good for you coming up?_

She expects Maura to be asleep, but again the phone is buzzing immediately, making Jane scramble to turn off the vibration so as not to wake Isla.

 _ **The weekend after next. I have the end of the week off. I could come that weekend.**_

Isla mumbles in her sleep. She swings Olaf around, hitting Jane in the face.

 _Sure_. She types. _Or maybe a little earlier. Can I call you tomorrow?_

 _ **Of course you can. I look forward to it.**_

 _Night, Maura_

 _ **Good night, Jane. Sleep well.**_

Jane smiles. She powers the phone down, checks on Isla one more time, and then slides out of bed and heads to the door to begin her before bed routine.


	8. Return to Her

_The last time Maura sees Jane on the camera, it is not because Frost has found the video feed. Dominic finds them. He sends the feed to her computer, overriding all other programs so that she is forced to stare at her girlfriend, sitting hunched at a round dining room table._

" _Jane!" she says, although there is no one in the room. She picks up the phone, dialing Frost's extension without looking away from the screen._

" _Frost."_

" _It's a feed," she says. "On my screen. It's Jane I...I can see her."_

 _Frost does not sign off before hanging up. Maura isn't sure she manages to put the phone back down on the cradle._

 _On screen, Dominic appears. He smiles at the camera, a calm, contented smile that makes Maura want to scream._

" _Okay," he says, turning to Jane. "It's time. Are you ready?"_

 _He pulls the chair out from the table and turns it around to face the camera. "Jane?" he prompts again. "It's time."_

 _Jane is staring at a spot a couple feet in front of her. She is statue still. Maura's chest feels too small for the screaming she wants to do. Jane looks so pale, and so skinny, and so… hollow._

 _Dominic bends down so that his head is pressed close to hers, as though they are about to take a photo together. He points upwards, at the camera lens._

 _Slowly, slowly, Jane lifts her eyes. When she looks right into the camera, Maura sucks in a whimper that makes her throat hurt. Jane has deep, dark circles under her eyes. Her lips are raw and split in several places._

" _There," Dominic says. "Do you see it?"_

 _Jane nods, and the motion looks like it takes an immense amount of effort._

" _Dr. Isles can see you," he says into her ear. He is still bent down by her face, and Maura can see his arm is around the back of the chair, his hand playing lightly over her clavicle._

" _Dr. Isles can see you, and I bet, by now Detective Frost is there...and your other friend..what was his name?"_

 _Jane blinks. "Korsak," she says. Her voice is barely above a whisper, hoarse and painful sounding._

" _Jane," Maura says, more softly now. "Sweetheart, I can see you. I can see you, he's not lying. Hold on. Please just-" she breaks off at a noise at her door. Barry and Vince rushing in, Frankie hot on their heels._

 _She looks back to the computer as they crowd around her, whispering urgently about hook-ups and tracers that have not been successful thus far._

" _Shut up," Maura orders, when Korsak's voice rises. "Shut up! She might say something."_

" _Maura," Frost begins, but she spares him a glare that might have the power to physically wound him, and then looks back at the screen._

" _I'm here," she whispers. "I'm here, lovely."_

 _Dominic leans in and kisses the side of Jane's head. "See the camera, Jane?"_

 _Jane stares into the lens, and Maura stares back. It is like they are looking at each other. It is no different than a video conference._

" _Jane," she says, voice breaking. She closes her eyes._

" _Maura?"_

 _The name makes her eyes snap open. It is as though Jane has heard her. She searches the video for signs that this is the case._

 _Dominic nods. "Yes, honey," he says sweetly. "She can see you. It's time to say goodbye."_

" _What?" Panic tingles Maura's spine. "No."_

 _Dominic looks away from Jane to grin at the camera. "My wife and I are going to have some fun," he says. "So no peeking from now on, doctor. I think I've been excellent about sharing up until now. But I don't see the point anymore."_

 _He squeezes Jane's shoulder. "We don't need the doctor anymore do we, hon?"_

 _Jane shakes her head automatically like this is an answer she has been forced to give several times._

" _Kiss me," Dominic demands, and Maura looks away as Jane turns her head to his. She doesn't see their lips touch, but there is no way to block out the sound of Dominic kissing her girlfriend._

" _Now," he says gently. "Say goodbye."_

 _Jane swallows hard. She has lost enough weight that Maura thinks she can see every muscle and tendon required for the action. She looks up into the camera, and it takes her several seconds to find her voice._

 _For a long, long moment, she just looks into the camera, her eyebrows the only sign that she might be on the verge of tears. She opens her mouth, shuts it, and then opens it again._

" _Jane," Maura resists putting her head against the computer screen. "Don't," she begs. "Please don't give up."_

 _Jane swallows again. "Goodbye, Maura," she whispers. "Forgive me."_

" _No!" Maura yells it at the screen, but Jane lets her head drop, and Dominic is back right away, his enthralled face taking up nearly the whole frame._

" _Now for fun," he says. "No peeking!"_

 _He waves. And the screen goes dark._

…

…

Barry knows something is up before he even steps into her office. Maura can see the apprehension in his expression and in his posture when he shuts the door behind her.

"Hey, Maura," Frost says as he sits, and the fact that he calls her by her first name also tells her he understands that the impending conversation has nothing to do with work.

She smiles at him but doesn't say anything. She doesn't know how to begin the conversation despite the fact that she's been thinking about possible options for the last three days.

But Frost does not need to be brought up to speed. "How is she?" he asks, and when Maura gapes at him, he chuckles.

"You're getting better at avoidance, Dr. Isles, but I know you pretty well."

Maura tries to relax. "Who else knows?"

"Korsak," he says. "Frankie knows something is up, but I doubt he'll guess."

Maura wrings her hands together. "That's not so bad," she says, trying to convince herself.

"It's not," Frost assures her. "Was that what you wanted to talk about?"

Maura nods. "Yes. Partially. I am going to have to find a way to tell the Rizzolis, and now I suppose sooner rather than later."

"That girl who was here yesterday," Frost says. "Was she…"

"Yes," Maura answers, surprised. "She's one of Jane's friends from the city? How did you know she was here?"

"Susie said you got a call from security about a visitor, and then that you looked like you'd seen a ghost when you left to meet her at the elevator. That was when I was pretty sure I knew where you'd been." Frost pauses. "Is Jane okay? Did that girl come to give you bad news?"

"No," Maura says quickly. "Although that's what I thought when I saw her as well. And Jane is…" Maura stops, considering how to explain her visit to him.

Frost waits patiently while she sorts out her words.

"She's doing very well," she says finally. "But I don't know that Frankie or Angela, or even Vince would see it that way if they were to visit her."

She looks at Frost to see if he understands all that she is not saying and feels relief sweep her when he smiles.

"She's different," he says, sighing when Maura nods. "Yeah. I saw it at the funeral. She's really changed."

"And Isla is the only thing that matters to her now," Maura says. "Taking care of her, making sure she's safe and happy. You should see them together, Barold. Jane is a wonderful mother."

Frost smiles ruefully. "Well," he says. "Let's not open with that when we tell Angela, okay?"

Maura makes a noise between a groan and a laugh, though she sobers when his words come back to her. "We?" she asks.

Frost looks at her like she's crazy. "Yeah," he says. "We. You think I'm going to let you go into that lion's den alone?"

Maura is momentarily lost for words. "Th-thank you, Barry," she says finally, although the phrase seems paltry. "That means more to me than I can express."

"I remember the day that Jane told us you two were together," he says, grinning. "I mean, Korsak and I already knew, but we hadn't said anything. She looked at us with this...I don't know, this sort of crazy, fierce, happiness. Like she was daring either of us to try and take it away from her."

Frost looks down at his hands and then back up into Maura's face. "I've known Jane since high school. I'd never seen her care about anyone as much as she cares about you."

He forestalls her protest with a shake of his head. "Yeah yeah," he says like he's heard her argument. "She'd lay down her life for a bunch of people. But that's because honor and sacrifice are built into her DNA. What I'm talking about is real, true caring for another person. Beyond duty. That's what she feels for you."

Frost pretends to study the carpet as Maura grabs a tissue.

"I would rather not see her ever again, than submit her to her family before she is ready," Maura says when she has collected herself. "Do you understand? She might not _ever_ be ready to see them. And I would rather stay away than have Angela track me to her apartment."

Frost nods in agreement, and she doesn't need any more solidarity than that.

They sit together in silence for a bit, each lost in memories until Frost shakes himself back to the present.

"There was something else," he says, and when Maura looks at him. "You said you had something else to talk about when I got here."

Maura nods, remembering. "Yes," she says. "I need to see the recordings of the time leading up to the last feed."

The smile drop from Frost's face. "What?"

"I want to see the recordings that Dominic made of the time leading up to that last feed. Where Jane said good-"

"No," Frost cuts her off harshly, and then takes a breath. "I'm sorry," he says. "I...I just mean. Why do you want to see those? Why now?"

"Because it's important," Maura answers. "You've confirmed that for me. Because something happened during that time that changed the way she thought."

Frost rests his elbows on his knees, shaking his head slightly.

"Barry, she attempted to escape because she knew she was pregnant." Maura watches this information hit the detective. "She didn't try because she was coming back to us, or even just to me."

Frost rubs his chin, thinking hard. "He got two good swipes in before he went down," he says. "Her abdomen, and the inside of her thigh."

Maura nods. "The EMTs said she was semi-conscious in the ambulance. She must have thought-"

"Jesus," Frost cuts her off. "That fucking bastard."

Maura nods. "I just need to see the video, Barry. Please?"

He sighs, still looking reluctant. "I have two conditions," he says finally.

"The first?"

"You watch the day-cams only. No night vision. They are only violence. There's nothing to be learned."

Maura shivers and nods. She wouldn't have tried to watch those anyway. "And your second term?"

"You take breaks. And Korsak or I watch with you."

Maura smiles faintly. "Technically, that is three conditions," she says softly, but she nods. "Okay," she agrees.

Frost nods, and then he stands and heads toward the door.

"Detective," she calls when he is almost across the threshold. He turns to her, eyebrows raised.

"Thank you," she says. "For...everything."

"Sure Maura," Frost says, smiling for real this time. "You're my sister."

…

…

" _What will it take for you to love me the way you loved the doctor, Jane?"_

" _I...don't know."_

" _There must be something I can do. I want us to be as happy as we can be, honey. She called you Honey, right?"_

" _Yeah."_

" _But it doesn't make you smile when I say it. Why? Is it because you still think of her when I say it?"_

" _Maybe."_

" _Hmm. Even though I can give you things Dr. Isles can't? I did all of this for you, Jane! She never even took a day off for you. She loves dead bodies more than she loves you."_

" _We both love our jobs. I would never make her give that up for me. I didn't want that."_

" _...You miss her, don't you?"_

" _I...No."_

" _You do! Oh, my God, how could I have been so blind? Of course, you miss her! Even if it's you and me all the time, every night. Even if you have my children. You'll still miss her."_

" _No. No! Dominic. Where are you going?"_

" _I'm just going to help you, Jane. Don't worry. I'll be back soon. Chin up, gorgeous, can't have you wandering off while I'm gone. There we go. Too tight?"_

" _Yes. Dominic. Don't touch her. Don't you dare-"_

" _Uh uh, Jane. You know that a wife never talks back to her husband. Not one who wants to breathe, anyway. Now, I'll be back. You think about me while I'm gone."_

" _I don't miss her. Dominic, I don't miss her! Please. Please!"_

" _See you soon, honey."_

 _._

" _Maura calls you darling. Maura calls you darling, and lovely and...he can never know. He can...Maura...calls you darling…_

 _Maura calls you darling."_

 _ **End Tape 1**_

…

" _Hey, Jane. Hey...There she is. That's quite a shiner you've got there, honey."_

" _Please."_

" _Mmm, begging. I always have a hard time resisting that, but I must for now. We need to talk."_

" _...face hurts."_

" _Well, Jane, Frankly, if you weren't such a wildcat in the sack, your face wouldn't hurt. You know, I changed my mind this morning before you woke up. I think I'd like to see a boy first, and then a girl. And then who cares, you know?"_

" _I need some water."_

" _And how do you ask for that?"_

" _...Dominic. Can I have something to drink please...honey."_

" _Of course you can. You know...I think I understand why you're still so stuck on that doctor. I have to admit, if I'd lived in a house like that, I'd be hard-pressed to forget about that._

" _What?"_

" _Oh yeah. That entryway? The granite counters in the kitchen. I don't care for the cherry stools at the breakfast bar, but that's more taste than design."_

" _You were in her house."_

" _Hey, don't look at me like that. I had to know what I was up against, right? And I get it now, okay? Those sheets are what, 1,000 thread count? I must have spent half an hour in bed, just...feeling them."_

" _What did you do to her?"_

" _Do to who? You know, Jane, I studied her picture for a long, long time, and I couldn't see what you do. I just don't find her attractive. But I think I understand why you find her so irresistible. It's her wardrobe. That blue dress she's got in the closet? You in that would knock me dead."_

" _Dominic, what did you do to her?"_

" _And that grey number? With the bow? Phew! You'd look stunning in that, Jane. I almost brought it back to you."_

" _Dom-"_

" _What if I told you I slit her throat, hm? What would you do? What could you do? Nothing. I'd record the whole thing, you know. I'd make her beg you. Look at me, Jane...I'd make her beg you to forget her. To just forget her and let her live her life."_

" _No."_

" _No? You'd put her through that? You'd make me kill her so that you could stop thinking about her? You'd do that? I love you, Jane! You're always going to be mine. I don't care what it takes."_

" _Dominic…"_

" _What is it, honey?"_

" _...Let's...let's go to bed."_

" _...Don't tease me. You know I don't like it when you play games."_

" _N-no games. I...want to."_

" _I don't have fancy sheets like the doctor does."_

" _...who?"_

 _ **End Tape 2**_

…

…

It goes so horribly that by the time she's made it out onto the porch she almost has to laugh. She leans against the porch railing of the Rizzoli house and takes a deep breath. The sound of the fight, still going inside, rises and then falls as Frost steps out behind her.

He comes to stand next to her, leaning against the rail, like her.

"Well," she says after a moment.

Frost puffs out a breath. "Yeah," he says, and he looks on the border of insane laughter, too. It makes her feel better.

"Angela is stronger than she looks," Maura says. "I thought she was going to get my cell phone away from me."

Frost nods. "You did all you could. You explained it very well."

Maura puts her hand on Frost's arm. "Thank you," she says. "I feel as if I've been saying that a lot in the past few days, but each time I mean it very genuinely."

Frost glances sidelong at her, smiling. "I know," he says softly.

Behind them, the door bangs open again to reveal Frankie. Both Maura and Frost turn to look at him, and for a moment the porch takes on the atmosphere of an old western stand-off.

"Ma's pissed," Frankie says after a long silence.

Maura nods. "I can understand where she's coming from."

"She says you'll keep Jane from seeing us."

"I hope that you know I would never do that," Maura responds. "I hope you heard me when I said that I only operate on her timetable, within _her_ rules."

Frankie shoves his hands into his pockets. "I don't think Ma should have come at you like that," he says. "That was wrong."

Maura doesn't know how she should respond to this, so she chooses not to.

"Frankie," Frost steps forward just a little. "You saw the footage, man. You know that we can't pressure Jane to do things she doesn't want to do."

Frankie rolls his shoulders. "That's our _mom_ ," he says finally. "You can't expect her to know where her kid is, and not try to see her."

Frost starts to respond, but Maura gets there first.

"Do you know what I first loved about your family?" she asks, not expecting an answer. She doesn't get one, but she continues anyway.

"One of the first things I noticed, and loved, about your family was how tactile you all are. My family never hugged or kissed. We never put our arms around each other on the couch or held hands. It took me a long time to get used to that with all of you. The physical affection so strong that it sometimes bordered on invasive."

Frankie shifts, but doesn't interrupt her.

"I was with Jane two weekends ago," she says. "And I didn't hug her hello, or kiss her. Not even on the cheek. I asked to hold her hand. I asked to sit next to her on the couch. Isla, Your niece? She is the only one who gets to touch Jane without permission, Frankie. Could your mother abide by that rule?"

Maura can see the answer in his face. "And even if she swore to. If Angela promised up and down that she wouldn't do anything Jane didn't want her to, how long has she operated on her intuition? How many times has she professed to know what you two want simply because she is your mother? She can't put her hand on Jane's arm. She can't show up at her apartment with food. She can't burst into her room on a sunny Sunday to see if there's any laundry that needs to be done.

"She's not the sister that roughhoused with you during game night or the daughter that gets a gentle swat with a wooden spoon when she's talking back. She's not that person anymore Frankie. You have to know that. And bombarding her will force her to run again. And it will be for good."

No one says anything for a while after her little speech. Frankie's eyes are red around the edges like he might begin to cry.

Frost is looking at her with something akin to pride.

Maura pulls her phone out of her pocket. "Jane gave me something to show you," she says, gesturing Frankie closer. "If I thought it would go over well. Do you want to see?"

Frankie nods and steps forward, watching as she unlocks her phone and pulls up the picture.

It is Jane crouched down to Isla's level, her arms around the little girl. Isla is grinning full force at the camera, both of her mother's dimples on display.

Jane is smiling too, though it isn't reflected in her eyes like it used to be. And she's looking just above the lens of the camera, as though in the next moment after the shutter snaps, she will see something that alarms her.

Maura knows that when Frankie looks at the picture, he sees what she saw initially. A shadow of the loud, sarcastic, fearsome woman that he knew.

"She's still in there, Frankie," Maura whispers. "But I was wrong to think we could just...get her back. He didn't break her, but he changed her. And we have to change too. If we want them in our lives."

Frankie looks at the picture for a long time, and then he puts one finger up and disappears back into the house.

Maura and Frost share a look of confusion, and Maura is just getting ready to go after him when he reappears, holding a bundle of fabric.

"This was Jane's first Red Sox sweatshirt," he says holding it out to her. "When you go back, make sure she's raising my niece right."

…

…

 _They find her._

 _Well, the Peabody Police find her. They answer a 911 call about a woman bleeding on a bench in Emerson Park, and they arrive to find Jane, naked from the waist up, with two very recent stab wounds._

 _It's not until three days later that the doctors ID her and the call to BPD comes in. Maura sits in the front seat of the cruiser watching the speedometer hit 95._

 _She wills Barry to drive faster._

 _She knows only what he told her as they sprinted toward the parking garage._

 _Alive. Bad shape. Stable._

 _Alive._

 _Frost swerves around a car in the left lane, and Maura shuts her eyes._

" _Barry," she says._

" _Six minutes," he answers. "Jane's alive, Maura. You'll see her in six minutes."_

… _._

… _._

This time, when she steps into the main hall of Grand Central Terminal, she spots Jane and Isla right away. The little girl is holding a hand-drawn sign that says "WLCOME MOURA!" across the front, and when she spots the doctor, she runs forward to hug her.

"You came!" she cries as Maura scoops her up into her arms. "You really came!"

"Yes, sweetheart!" Maura says, blinking away the tears in her eyes. "I'm here for the whole long weekend. Your mother texted me that we might go to the Zoo?"

Isla nods, hugging her around the neck. "Maura, I learned a surprise yesterday," she says against the doctor's ear.

"Oh really?"

Isla nods. She pulls back so that she can look into Maura's face.

" _You_ are my namecake!" she whispers. "I'm gonna be the smartest, just like you!"

It is a good thing that Jane reaches them at that moment, because Maura does not know how to respond.

"Someone missed you," she says with a smile. "And it's namesake hon."

"Name cake sounds much more deliciouser, mommy," Isla says as she wiggles down to the ground. "Can I pull your suitcase?"

"Yes, of course you can," Maura says, still looking at Jane.

The brunette lifts a hand, eyebrows raised hopefully, and when Maura nods, she reaches forward and cups Maura's face. Her thumb runs the length of Maura's cheek once.

"Hi, Maura."

"Hello, my love," she says, watching the way Jane's eyes close for a little longer at the pet name.

"Mommy, which one of those stars is my picture?" Isla asks, pointing up at the ceiling.

Jane drops her hand and glances upward. "You, my dear, are the crab," she says. "Which fits, in light of this morning." Jane glances at Maura and rolls her eyes.

"You ready to go home?" she asks.

Maura nods. She pauses for a moment to make sure she has everything, and then, under her breath, she repeats the word, wondering how long it will be until it includes her.

Isla. Jane. Maura.

"Home."


	9. Return to Touch

_Melinda comes to sit next to Maura on the bench. She doesn't comment on the tears still on the doctor's cheeks, just hands her a tissue and a small paper cup of water._

" _Thank you," Maura murmurs. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a scene."_

 _Melinda waves this away. "I shouldn't have called," she says. "I only thought, this was one you should ID yourself."_

" _No," Maura says, taking a sip. "No, you were right to call. It matched my description almost to a tee."_

" _But it isn't her," Melinda says._

 _Maura shakes her head. "No. It isn't her. Thank God."_

 _They sit in silence for a long few minutes, until Maura composes herself enough to continue. "You already sent dental records out for her?"_

" _Yes," Melinda says. "It looks like she's been homeless for a while though, so I'm not hopeful."_

 _Maura can't help but shudder at the thought of Jane, alone on the streets of some city, lost in one of her waking nightmares._

" _Jane," she says, clearing her throat. "Ah, the scars on her hands were - ah - on both the palmar and dorsal sides of her hands."_

 _Melinda does not need to be told what this means. "I'll note that down," she says. "I wouldn't have called otherwise."_

" _I should have been more specific," Maura says. "Who would have thought that Hoyt would only be the second worst nightmare she encountered."_

 _Melinda puts a tentative hand on the doctor's shoulder. The two of them spent seven years completing their various pathology residencies, but it has still been over a decade since their last contact. Maura finds the touch comforting nonetheless._

" _How long has she been gone?" Melinda asks._

" _Almost seven months. If she carried to term, she would have given birth two or three weeks ago. I can't help thinking about all of the possible outcomes of that situation."_

 _Melinda hesitates briefly before speaking. "I hope you won't think me presumptuous," she says. "I've checked the local safe harbor locations for the last month. No one has left a baby that could be hers."_

 _Maura almost starts crying again, this time out of gratitude. "You didn't have to do that," she says heavily. "But I'm so glad you did."_

" _I didn't know if you'd-"_

" _No," Maura says. "I do. I would! And if she felt she couldn't take care of a child, she would do the right thing. Thank you for checking, Melinda."_

 _Melinda smiles. "Did you know that we are facebook friends?"_

 _Maura raises her eyebrows. "Are we? I didn't...Jane convinced me to set that up. I rarely posted on it."_

" _Mmm, I know," Melinda says, smile growing. "Somehow, the posts you made did not sound as though they came from the woman I knew.."_

 _Maura smiles despite herself, remembering the day Jane had posted about her new Espresso machine, describing it in the caption as "bitchin.'"_

" _But every once in a while, a picture of the two of you would pop up. And I don't think I've ever seen you as happy as you looked in those photos, Maura. Not in the decade we spent together in school."_

 _Maura presses at the corners of her eyes with the tissue, and Melinda squeezes her shoulder._

" _You'll keep looking?" Maura asks. "You'll keep your ears open for anything?"_

 _Melinda answers immediately. "Of course I will."_

…

…

Maura settles in more quickly this time. They have grilled cheese and salad for dinner, and Isla's halves are cut into the shapes of dinosaurs which she makes fight each other before happily chomping them in two.

Maura notices Jane's beer is non-alcoholic, and makes a note to talk to her about it later, thinking about the wine Jane had on her first visit. There is no need for her to drink just for Maura's sake. Isla vacillates between telling the doctor all about school and pouting that she has to go back tomorrow even though the Maura is visiting.

Jane is gentle and firm, and dimpled, and Maura wants to kiss each knuckle on her hands. she wants to run her fingers through Jane's long, dark hair and press her nose to her neck.

"Maura will be waiting to pick you up tomorrow though, bean," Jane reasons. "And we'll go out to a special dinner."

"Super duper special?"

Jane chuckles. "maybe. Be good at school and that's a probably maybe."

Isla claps her hands, grinning at Maura. "Probably maybe means okay!" she chirps.

"It means if the teacher says you were good, then probably maybe."

Isla leans over in her booster seat to whisper to Maura conspiratorially. "I'm gonna be _very_ best behavior at school. We'll get ice cream."

Jane looks between them as though she can't believe they are both there. she looks both happy and terrified.

…

…

" _Hello?"_

" _I woke you. I'm sorry."_

" _It's not a problem. Are you okay? is-"_

" _We're fine. I just, couldn't sleep. I...it feels weird, to know you've been here. That you're coming back."_

" _That's why you can't sleep?"_

" _No...yes...I'm not sure. I had therapy today. We talked about you a little bit."_

" _That doesn't bother me. I hope you know that."_

" _No, yeah. I know. I just...It…"_

" _Jane. It's okay."_

" _It made me miss you. I miss you."_

" _I miss you too."_

" _You do?"_

" _I do. I'm looking forward to seeing you again."_

" _Okay… Hey Maura?"_

" _Yes?"_

" _On Friday, will you go somewhere with me? Nowhere weird or anything. Just like, my therapist suggested somewhere, and I - um - would like you to come with me. If that sounds okay with you."_

" _That sounds fine. Anything you like."_

" _Okay. Thanks."_

" _You don't have to thank me. I want to be a part of your life. This life that you have now. Okay?"_

" _...Yeah. So, Thursday? That works for you?"_

" _I'll be there."_

" _Us too...Maura?"_

" _I'm here."_

" _Don't hang up yet, okay?"_

" _Okay."_

…

…

It turns quickly.

Even later, when Maura tries to come up with ways that she could have acted differently, she can't find an outcome that doesn't end in distress.

Isla demands that Maura give her her bath, and even when both adults try to talk her out of this, she starts to spiral towards a tantrum, and Jane finally relents.

Isla runs into her room, calling Maura after her, but before she can get two steps, Jane's hand closes over her upper arm.

Hard.

"I won't hurt her," Maura says automatically. She puts her hand over Jane's, but doesn't pull at it. "Darling. I won't hurt your daughter. Can you believe that?"

Jane pulls her hand away, shaking her head.

No, _she_ is shaking. Practically radiating with shame and fear. "I want to," she says. "I...can."

Maura steps away, to follow after Isla, and Jane visibly forces herself to turn away.

To hold herself in place.

Maura thinks the hug that Jane gives her daughter when she runs, fresh smelling and dressed in PJs, into the living room is longer than normal.

"I want Maura to stay for always always always," She says, as Jane carries her back into her room and lifts her into her pirate ship.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. Sing me, Mommy."

"What would you like to hear, sweets?"

"No worry 'bout me."

"Okay. You snuggled in there?"

"Yup! I love you, Mommy!"

Maura turns away from the bedroom, settling herself on the couch.

 _I'll cry your tears for you. I'll feel your fears for you  
I'll do anything I can to make you comfortable.  
Even if I fall down, when you're not around, don't worry about me.  
Don't worry about me._

 _Because when I fall, you'd fall.  
And when we rise, we'll rise together.  
If I smile, you'll smile.  
So don't worry about me. Don't worry about me._

 _..._

"I don't know if I've ever heard you sing before." Maura smiles up at Jane as the brunette joins her on the couch. "You have a lovely voice."

Jane returns the smile tiredly. She still looks pale and shaken.

"Thanks," she says. "It's new. She seemed to like it when she was a baby, and I had trouble…" she trails off for a moment, and then clears her throat. "When I had trouble holding her."

"She likes that song in particular?" Maura asks. She is trying to be casual, but she doesn't quite manage it.

Jane gives her a knowing look. "Yeah. That's one of her two favorites. I tried to phase it out a while ago, and she wasn't having it." Jane shrugs, looking down at her hands. "And it's okay. I want her to remember that I'll always be there for her. Take care of her. No matter what."

"So she shouldn't worry about you."

"She's a kid," Jane says. "She shouldn't have to worry about anything yet."

Maura is unable to stop the next question from tumbling out of her mouth. "So who worries about you, Jane?"

Jane sighs, running her hand slowly through her hair. "I guess I hoped you still did. Sometimes your letters sounded like-"

Maura leans closer, voice nearly ferocious with conviction. "Always," she says just above a whisper. "I always have, and I always will."

Jane smiles slightly, and God, Maura has forgotten how beautiful she is. How sharp, and handsome, and just exquisite.

But then, the smile disappears. "There were these times," Jane says quietly, "When she was a baby, and I wasn't doing well. She'd get so upset. It was like she could just tell the kind of mood I was in, and if affected her too. If I were crying, she would too, or she'd fuss. If I was scared, she wouldn't nurse. She wouldn't go down for a nap."

Pain crosses Jane's face, a flash of hurt that makes Maura feel sick to her stomach.

"So I started holding her and humming. Telling her not to worry about me, or be scared. And one afternoon…She did something funny. She made a noise or something that hit that funny spot inside of me, and I just started to laugh."

Jane glances at Maura to see if she's still listening. Maura wouldn't dream of looking anywhere else.

"And I laugh, and I look down at her, and she's just got this huge smile on her face. She looked so…happy. I guess the song sort of grew from there."

Maura presses at the corner of her eye with her thumb to stem the tears. Jane reaches out for her, but she shakes her head.

"Don't," she says gently. "Don't comfort me. I'm alright."

Jane doesn't pull back. "Can I hold your hands?" she asks after a moment.

Maura puts her hands gently into Jane's, watching the way the contact sparks an emotion inside of the other woman that is immediately put out.

"Lovely," Maura whispers. "It's okay. It's me. I promise."

"I tried to remember your hands," Jane says after a long moment. She doesn't look up.

"What?"

"I tried to remember your hands. To remember the way they felt when you would hold me."

Maura frowns. "I…don't-" she begins.

"When he," Jane swallows hard. "When he would-"

"When he assaulted you," Maura says firmly, though the assertion seems to make Jane even sadder.

"I tried to leave my body," she says, voice tiny. "I tried to be in my mind, where you were."

"That's okay," Maura says at once. "That's understandable and perfectly okay."

Jane looks up at her, eyes glassy with unshed tears. "He went to your house," she says.

Maura nods. "I know," she answers. "But he didn't hurt me."

Jane's brow furrows. She looks confused and discouraged like this conversation is testing the edge of her sanity. Maura doesn't know how to stop it.

"Jane-"

"I sent him there," she murmurs. "I practically sent him there. He could tell that I missed you, and he went-"

"Jane," Maura says firmly. "Look at me, darling." She waits until her request is obeyed. "That was not your fault. I never saw him. All he wanted to do was scare you. I never saw him."

Jane's shoulders shiver. She says something that is too quiet for Maura to hear, and the doctor leans forward.

"What?"

"Maybe this was a mistake," Jane whispers. "I grabbed you."

It takes a lot of work for Maura to hold the sob inside of her chest. Jane has not pulled her hands away, and Maura clings to this fact like a lifeline.

"You didn't hurt me. And I don't think this is a mistake," she says, making sure to sound neutral. "But if you want me to go, Jane, I will. Okay? Just tell me."

Jane is silent for a long time, and Maura listens to her heartbeat, wondering if she will be the first case of a woman whose heart has simply beaten itself out. The autopsy will show nothing wrong with her at all.

 _It must have just given up._ That's what they'll say.

"I let him."

Maura almost misses the words.

"You…"

Jane squeezes her eyes shut, and her fingers curl around Maura's palms. "The last six...seven times?" She opens her eyes to stare at the floor. "Maybe that's why I got pregnant," she says. "Maybe-"

"Stop!" Maura doesn't mean to say it so forcefully, but she has just understood what they are talking about, and the knowledge has made her both angry and nauseated.

"I had to," Jane says like Maura hasn't spoken. "I had to make him think that I'd forgotten. So I told him. I-I told him I wanted…"

"Stop," Maura says again, more softly, but still as firmly as she dares. She leans forward, even more, trying to make eye contact. "Please," she says. "Sweetheart, look at me."

"I'm sorry," Jane says. She pulls her hands from Maura's to wrap her arms around her knees as they draw up to her chest.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Maura says. "You-"

"I tried to stop loving you, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop. The same way I couldn't stop loving Isla." Jane shivers. "I think, I think it was eight times, Maura. God! I don't know how you can look at me when I-"

Maura doesn't fully understand, but she pushes up onto her knees and moves as close to Jane as she can.

"No," she says. "No! Please look at me, darling. What you're saying isn't true."

Tears drip down Jane's cheeks. "I cheated on you," she whispers it to her knees like a confession, rending what is left of Maura's composure. "I had sex-"

"NO!" Maura puts her hands out so that they hover over Jane's knees. "No, you didn't. It was _not_ consensual."

"I told him-"

"He threatened me. He came to the house and slept in my bed, all so that he could torture you. He used those details to torture you, lovely. I would no more blame you for that than-"

"I wasn't tied down," Jane says. There are tears on her cheeks, but her voice sounds calm and detached. "I didn't try to escape."

"He raped you," Maura says. "He-he conditioned you. But-"

"Those last times-"

"Were still against your will," Maura says fiercely. "No matter what you think. No matter what you think."

Jane looks at Maura's hands, hovering over her knees, not touching. After a long moment of indecision, she reaches out and takes each of the doctor's wrists pulling them slowly, _slowly_ to her face.

Maura cups Jane's face in her hands, trying to hold the bulk of her tears at bay, knowing that she is most likely failing.

"I wanted to come home," Jane says as Maura's thumbs trace over her cheekbones. "I wanted to come home every day."

"I know," Maura replies through her tears. "There was never a moment when I doubted that."

"When I realized I was still," Jane hesitates, and Maura stills her hands, waiting. "When I realized I was still pregnant, every time you touched me it reminded me how I didn't fight for you. How I didn't fight to come home."

"You did," Maura says. "I know you did, even when you didn't feel strong."

"I want to touch you." Jane says it like a confession, as though ashamed of herself for having to admit something so terrible.

Maura has to bite her lip to keep the inappropriate laughter from bursting forth. She is so relieved.

"I _want that too_ ," she says. Her hands are still on Jane's face, so she doesn't dare move any closer. "I want that too, sweetheart. I-"

"But I don't want to _hurt_ you," Jane chokes the words out. She is crying, and Maura knows she is angry at herself for crying, possibly angry at herself for all the feelings that still linger. For all of the time she feels like she's wasted.

Or maybe Maura is projecting.

"You couldn't hurt me," she whispers. "You wouldn't ever hurt me."

Jane shakes her head. "I love you so much, Maura."

"I love you too-" Maura goes to respond, but Jane cuts her off. She lifts her hands to wrap around Maura's wrists and she pulls them away. Maura wants to resist her, but she doesn't.

"No," Jane says through gritted teeth. "You don't understand."

Maura resorts to holding her own hands like the action could somehow make up for the loss of Jane's skin. "I'm sorry," she says. "You're right. I don't. I will never understand what you went through. I can't imagine how-"

Jane shakes her head again, pushing herself to her feet. She is jagged elbows and knees, wild hair and red-rimmed eyes, and is this what anguish always looks like? Maura wonders how anyone can bear it.

"You don't understand," Jane says again. She hugs herself for a moment, chin tucked protectively to her chest, before turning away towards the front door.

Maura still hears what she murmurs, and it makes her blood run cold.

"He loved me so much."

…

…

...

So this, then, is the missing piece of the puzzle. The last reason for Jane's disappearance, and the reason she stayed away.

Maura watches as Jane touches each lock on the front door, double checking. She watches her place a hand flat to the wood, like she could say a benediction and keep out the things that frighten her.

Butt those things that frighten her are on the _inside_ as well.

How terrible must it be, having these two wars going on inside of oneself?

Dominic had beaten her, tied her, forced her into sex and domesticity, and the only way to survive had been to bend herself to fit him. But he had also shown her what humans are capable of. Had he known what Jane considered herself? Had he known how she struggled?

And how can Maura consider herself a genius, and yet have missed this crucial fact about the woman she loves.

Jane comes back to sit next to her after a while. She is dressed in sweats and a tank top. The beginnings of a scar disappear into her collar.

"Will you lock yourself in again?" she asks. "When I'm asleep?"

Maura nods. "Of course," she says. "But I'm not afraid of you."

An expression crosses Jane's features. Maura thinks it is tenderness.

Affection.

She continues, heartened. "When we were together in Boston. When we were a couple, did you find it hard to focus one work?"

Jane glances at her. "Huh?"

"Did you think about me every second of the day?"

Jane frowns, confused. "I don't-" she begins.

"Did thinking about me interfere with your ability to get the job done? Did you find yourself unable to follow conversations that didn't revolve around me? Did you dream exclusively of me, and find it hard to focus on images that didn't contain my likeness?"

The last question makes Jane snort. "No," she says slowly. "I...mean. You know I kept doing my job, Maura, what-"

"Then you weren't obsessed with me," Maura says, cutting her off again. "You weren't obsessed with me, and you don't have an unhealthy fixation on the idea of me."

Understanding clouds Jane's features. She looks away and doesn't answer.

"Dominic didn't love you, Jane."

This sentence causes a tic, a miniscule ripple across the brunette's shoulders and back. Maura doesn't miss it, but she doesn't push either. Now is not the time.

"He didn't love you, because if he had, he would have tried to make you happy. Even if it hurt him."

This makes Jane turn to look at her. She searches Maura's face for a long, long time.

"Is that why you didn't follow me when I left?" she asks finally. "Is that why you let me go?"

Maura smiles. She nods, as though the hardest thing she's ever done in her entire life was as easy as not picking up the phone when it rang.

"Yes," she says.

They don't say anything more, but fifteen minutes later, Jane takes the blanket off of the back of the couch and throws it over both of them.

Ten minutes later, she is asleep.

* * *

...

...

 ** _They have a while to go, but these will start to get lighter. They'll see a happy ending,_ prometo _._ _Thank you to everyone who has commented here, on my tumblr, or directly. Thanks for continuing to read._**

 ** _tc_**


	10. Return to Belief

_What if one day, I wake up and hate her?_

…

Isla fusses Friday morning. She doesn't want to go to school for fear that Maura will be gone when she gets out. It takes a lot of convincing and pinky promises to get her to agree to go finally.

"Do _not_ forget about me while I am gone," she says as Jane helps her into her backpack.

Maura makes sure to cross her heart twice.

"You're unforgettable, tiny," Jane says, straightening up.

"I second that," Maura agrees.

"I shouldn't be more than half an hour," Jane says. "There's fresh coffee on, but if you're in the mood for something fancier, I could-"

Maura waves her away. "Whatever you made will be fine," she says. "I'll be here when you return."

She watches them out the door and then settles herself at the kitchen table with her book and a cup of coffee.

She doesn't expect to be able to focus, after all, she'd been too jittery to read on the train to the city, but she finds herself lost in the pages in no time, and after what seems like mere seconds, Jane is stepping into the front hall.

She comes around the corner and smiles at Maura, with her cold mug of coffee and what must be a very shocked expression.

"What?" Jane asks, looking over her shoulder and back. "You okay?"

Maura does not know how to explain that she is more than okay, or that this is the first time in years that she's been able to sit still and focus her mind on something that is not work-related.

She doesn't know how to explain that while Jane was away, Maura was merely content to wait for her to come home.

She knew Jane would come home.

"I'm fine," she says. "I'm just fine."

And Jane steps forward to touch her fingers gently to a spot just under the doctor's ear. It is like she is checking her for substance. Maura can't get enough of it.

"Okay," Jane says, glancing at her coffee mug. "But still kind of a coffee snob."

A tease. So beautiful.

Maura smiles and pushes herself up from the table.

….

The first thing that she notices about Olivia Benson is how kind her eyes are.

The outing Jane has planned is a meeting with an SVU detective who works in the city. Dr. Royer had suggested that the two of them get together.

"She keeps asking me if I've gone, and I keep making excuses that I know she doesn't believe," Jane says as they make their way across town. "Pretty soon it will be too shameful to go back if I haven't met this woman."

Maura smiles, partly because it makes her happy when Jane jokes, and partly because she likes to think that her presence has given Jane the added bit of courage she needed to make the meeting happen.

As if she can read her thoughts, Jane offers her arm with a lopsided smile. "I'm glad you're coming with me," she says softly. "I didn't want to go alone."

Maura takes Jane's arm, knowing that her smile has turned a little giddy around the edges. "You never have to be alone, if that's not what you wish," she answers. "I will be here anytime you call."

"And for Isla too, right?"

Maura looks up at Jane and forces herself to resist the urge to kiss the shoulder close to her.

"For both of you," she promises. "For always."

Jane grins but doesn't answer, and the two of them walk for a while in silence. Maura likes the feeling of Jane beside her, arm linked loosely with hers. She is about to say so when Jane points ahead of them at a little cafe.

"That's where I said we could meet," she says, glancing sidelong at Maura. "They make an excellent chai if you still…"

"I still," Maura confirms. "You didn't have to think of me. Your comfort is my priority."

Jane holds the door open for her, and as she passes, Maura tries to discern the expression on her face. Is it contentment? Affection? She couldn't say. She decides not to overanalyze.

She decides she will have to recommit to that decision several more times during her visit.

Detective Olivia Benson is already there. She's sitting in a booth at the back of the cafe, facing the door, and when she spots them, she stands and lifts her hand in greeting.

She is shorter than Jane, maybe a little less fit, but her bearing still announces officer of the law without a doubt.

She shakes Jane's hand, and then Maura's and gestures them into the booth across from her.

"I hope here is okay," Jane says before the silence can become awkward. "I thought it might be...weird to meet in the precinct."

Olivia smiles, and Maura thinks she must put people immediately at ease.

"If you hadn't suggested it, I would have," Olivia says. "My office is fine, but it doesn't have a full-service coffee bar, and I wouldn't subject you to the break room's sludge if you were an enemy."

Jane grins. "I've had my share of breakroom sludge," she says.

Olivia nods, acknowledging. "I hope you'll forgive me," she says. "I read about your career. You were a force to be reckoned with."

Jane makes a motion with her shoulders like she's shrugging off a blanket. "Long time ago," she says.

"Not so long," Olivia says simply. "And most certainly not diminished by time."

Jane shakes her head and doesn't answer. She wants to say thank you, Maura knows, but humility and shame keep her from doing so.

Olivia doesn't press her. She smiles at Maura and asks her about her trip. If Maura wonders how this woman knows who she is, it is only briefly. If Jane's psychiatrist set up this meeting, then it is also possible that Jane gave permission for her to share details of her life.

Their coffees arrive moments later, and silence falls. Maura watches Jane wrap her hands around the mug in front of her, and waits for the relaxation that comes with something to occupy the detective's hands.

She is not disappointed.

They talk about nothing for almost half an hour. The crime in Boston. Detective Benson's promotion and her colleagues. Whether the effect of caffeine is more placebo or chemical. Olivia has a round, full laugh, that makes both the other women smile, and Maura can feel Jane becoming more and more comfortable as time wears on.

She wonders if she should excuse herself, if she's served her purpose, and should now make an exit and let the two women talk about more profound issues. Before she can decide, however, a mother and her young daughter enter, and both women watch as she navigates to the counter to order.

"When I adopted my son," Olivia says with a nod in their direction. "You could have just mainlined the caffeine directly into my bloodstream."

"Amen," Jane says with a snort. "How old is he? If you don't mind me asking."

Olivia's eyes tell Maura that the deeper conversation is about to begin. "Of course not," she says. "He's almost two. Noah. The light of my life."

Jane makes a neutral sound, and Olivia leans back in the booth. She is making herself less threatening.

"You have a child, right? Girl or boy?"

"A daughter," Jane pauses, a smile tugging the corner of her lips. "She's four."

"Going on Forty?" Olivia suggests.

Jane laughs. "You've met her, I see," she says. "Yes. She keeps me on my toes, that's for sure."

There is a silence, and Maura watches Detective Benson study Jane.

"Do you know why Dr. Royer wanted you to meet with me?" She asks after a moment.

Jane shrugs. "You deal with people like me every day," she says, frowning slightly. "Victims," she clarifies, spitting the word like it tastes bad. "Dr. Royer wants me to know I'm not alone."

"You are not alone," Olivia says quickly. She smiles briefly at Maura, who has opened her mouth to say the same thing.

"You're _not_ alone, first of all," Olivia continues, "And you are not a victim. That's second."

Jane smiles as though she's heard this all before. "What's third?" she asks gamely.

"Well," Olivia's eyes crinkle when she grins. "The third thing is you're wrong. That's not why Dr. Royer wanted you to meet with me."

Jane glances around at Maura. "Okay," she says slowly.

"She wanted you to meet with me because of the way I was conceived. I am the child of rape." She says it so mildly that it takes Maura a moment for the words to sink in. She sees Jane go through the same mental double take a split second later.

"What?" she asks.

Olivia nods. "My biological father raped my mother. He didn't abduct or continually assault her," she clarifies. "He was a serial rapist. My mother was one of his victims."

Jane's whole body has gone still. Olivia looks over at Maura, gauging Jane's anxiety by how close the doctor sits.

"You know how Dr. Royer is," she continues after a moment. "She wants everyone to be able to make the decision to share their history."

Jane pulls in a deep breath, trying at a smile. "Yeah," she says. "Yeah...shit. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. I never knew him. And he never hurt me."

Jane looks up into Olivia's face very suddenly. "Never?" she asks. "Not even indirectly?"

Maura looks away, trying to hide a smile, and so she only hears Detective Benson sigh.

"Okay," she says good-naturedly. "You caught me."

But Jane shakes her head. "I don't mean to catch you," she says. "I...I want to know. I…" She looks away and leans towards Maura. The movement is minute, but she catches it.

"I could…" Maura offers her hand, and Jane takes it without hesitation. The action makes Olivia smile.

"Did your mom tell you about what, I mean, did she tell you?"

Olivia's expression clouds over slightly. Maura knows that Jane can see it happen too, but she doesn't retract her question. Maura wants to tell her that she is still the bravest woman she knows, to do this for her daughter.

"My mother was not like you, Jane," Olivia says softly. "She didn't handle...my arrival very well. She drank a lot throughout my childhood. She," Olivia pauses, clearly trying to choose her words carefully. Jane's hand squeezes Maura's. "She had a lot of anger, I think now, in retrospect. And she took it out on me because I was the only other one there."

Jane has been holding her breath, and Maura feels her let it out now, slightly shaky.

"I'm...I mean, that's...awful," Jane says lowly.

"It was, at times," Olivia says honestly. "But...in the end, it does not define who I am. And it has not defined the type of mother I want to be."

Jane is silent for a long while, and Maura watches her digest the new information. She tilts her head to the side and bites her lip, and Maura stares at the line of her neck, wishing she could press her nose there. Wishing that it would offer comfort rather than cause a panic attack.

"Is that why you became an SVU detective?" Jane asks finally.

Olivia's expression clears. She grins at Jane. "Nothing gets by you, huh?" she jokes. "Yes. I suppose it is in some ways. I don't know what it feels like to be assaulted, but I know what it feels like to feel dirty, unwanted, alone...afraid."

Jane's hand is tightening in Maura's again. She squeezes back, hoping it's comforting.

"I _never_ want her to feel that way," Jane says fiercely. "I never want my daughter to-"

"She won't," Olivia says at once. "She won't, Jane."

Quickly, the anger is replaced by a blanket of hopelessness. Jane's shoulders slump. "How do you know?" she asks quietly. "How do you-"

"Because you don't see her that way," Olivia answers. "You don't see her that way, and Maura doesn't see her that way, and the people you let into your life do nothing but love her and treat her like the beautiful little girl I know she is."

Jane uses her free hand to wipe at her eyes. "You don't know that."

Olivia chuckles. "Yes I do," she says easily. "I'm a detective, but it doesn't take one to see how much you love her. How much you _want_ her."

Jane shakes her head. When she speaks again, she is whispering.

"What if one day I wake up," she asks quietly. "What if one day I wake up...and I _hate_ her?"

Olivia doesn't recoil. She appraises Jane with warm, brown eyes, and her expression of understanding doesn't change.

"Why didn't you kill Dominic Bianchi?" She asks, leaning forward a little.

Jane looks at her, confused. "What?"

"I read the police report," Olivia explains. "I read how they found him when they raided the house. Just sitting at the dining room table. You stabbed him in self-defense, you gained control of his weapon, but you didn't kill him, Jane. Why not? No one in the entire world would have batted an eye if you had."

Jane is crying in earnest now. Maura rubs her fingers along her knuckles and resists the urge to make soothing noises like she would when Jane slept poorly after her rescue.

But, miracle of _miracles_ , after a long, silent moment, Jane turns toward her and puts her head against the bend of the doctor's neck.

"Maura," she murmurs. "I-I couldn't." she exhales a breath against Maura's collarbone that makes the doctor come out in goosebumps.

"I d-didn't ask," Jane stammers. "I'm sorry."

There are tears on Maura's skin, on the silk of her blouse. She hopes they will burn themselves into permanence there. She does not ever want to forget this moment.

"You never need to ask, lovely," she says. "Do you want me to-"

"In my hair," Jane murmurs at once. "Can you?"

"Of course."

Maura's hand shakes slightly as she slides it into the hair at Jane's temple. "I'm right here," she whispers. "Darling. I'm right here."

"I couldn't," Jane says again, and it takes a moment for Maura to realize that she is answering Olivia's question about Dominic.

Olivia does not look put off by their intimacy. In fact, she looks like she could not be happier. "That's how you know, Jane," she says gently. "It's not in you. Your daughter is so, so lucky to have you. And you'll figure it out. I'm not worried, and you shouldn't be either."

… _._

… _._

 _ **Victim Interview - Second Attempt  
Tuesday, July 13, 2010**_

 _ **Interviewer (IN)**_ _: Danielle D'Angelo, Ph.D., Staff Psychologist  
_ _ **Det. Jane C. Rizzoli**_ _(RES)_

 _IN: Are you feeling a little more comfortable now, Jane?_

 _RES: Yeah._

 _IN: Yes? Do you want to take more time? We can-_

 _RES: No. It's fine. I-I'm sorry for freaking out._

 _IN: You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you remember what we were talking about before you dissociated? Do you remember what I asked you?_

 _RES: ...No. Sorry._

 _IN: There's no need to apologize, Jane. We can take as much time as you need, okay?_

 _RES: Yeah._

 _IN: We were talking about the last day that you spent with Dominic. You told me that in the last few weeks you were with him, he'd been letting you move around the apartment with your hands-free. This was because you'd gained his trust?_

 _RES: Yeah. He...um...thought that I loved him finally._

 _IN: Okay. [speaking very slowly, carefully] I know that you didn't. I know that you didn't love him. But he believed you did, and so he began to give you more freedom. What happened the last day? The day you escaped._

 _RES: I...stabbed him. I escaped...I tried to, anyway._

 _[Silence exceeds two minutes: 2:32.05]_

 _IN: Okay...You woke up. Right, Jane? You woke up that morning. Was Dominic there?_

 _RES: N-no. He was already, um, he was up already, making breakfast._

 _IN: So you woke up in the bed alone?_

 _RES: He didn't bind me anymore. I could get up on my own. I could get up whenever I wanted...I was bleeding._

 _IN: Where were you bleeding?_

 _RES: It was - um - he was...he was hard...rough. The night before. He made breakfast, um, usually when he felt sorry._

 _IN: I see. So he was up, making breakfast. And you woke up. Then what happened?_

 _RES: I got up and walked out into the hallway. I...saw myself. I saw myself in the mirror. I didn't have a shirt on. My hair was fucking disgusting. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry._

 _IN: I don't care if you swear, Jane. You can say whatever you want here._

 _RES: Don't lie._

 _IN: I'm not lying. There are no words that are off limits when we're talking. I just want to know what happened when you were gone. When you were with Dominic. I want to know about that last day._

 _RES: I told him I was leaving._

 _IN: Before breakfast, you told him this?_

 _RES: I don't know why I said it. I knew it would make him angry._

 _IN: What did you say? Jane? What did you say?_

 _[Respondent is crying] I told him I didn't love him._

 _IN: You told him the truth. It was the truth._

 _RES: He was setting the table for breakfast. I told him I didn't love him. I said he was a monster._

 _IN: What did he-_

 _RES: The look on his face...He...I knew it would make him mad, but I didn't think that he would look like...that he…_

 _IN: Jane, hey, look at me for a moment. Remember where you are? What happened after you told him you didn't love him?_

 _[Silence exceeds one minute: 1:49.3]_

 _RES: I said I was leaving._

 _IN: Did he let you leave?_

 _RES: I made it almost to the front door. I almost...I made it to the front door...almost._

 _IN: And then he got mad?_

 _RES: He grabbed this knife off of the side table, and just...he yelled and came at me. He looked...he looked so crazed._

 _IN: He cut your stomach, yes? The inner part of your upper thigh._

 _RES: He didn't know. It was probably already dead, but he didn't know._

 _IN: What didn't he know, Jane?_

 _RES: He was crying too. That was my fault, right? His face was so red, and he was crying. And why didn't he kill me? Why didn't, h-he must have seen that I wanted...that I-_

 _IN: Jane, calm down. It's okay. It's -_

 _[Session interrupted by third party. Unknown Voice (UNK)]_

 _UNK: I told you that if you induced another panic attack, this would be over._

 _IN: Dr. Isles, please. We need to get Detective Rizzoli's statement as soon as-_

 _UNK: Sweetheart, look at me. Look, Jane. It's alright, darling. He's not here._

 _RES: Why did he just sit there? He just sat there looking like I'd...I stabbed him. I told him I wasn't ever coming back. He just-_

 _IN: When, Jane? He didn't try to stop-_

 _UNK: No! This interview is over. You've put her through over an hour of this. It is counterproductive to her health, and you are done._

 _RES: Maura?_

 _UNK: Yes. I'm here, darling. Let's go home, okay? How about we just go home and watch some TV? Lie down for a while?"_

 _RES: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Maura. I-_

 _UNK: Hush, love. Let's go home. I'm right here, sweetheart. It's okay. I'm here._

 _IN: Doctor-_

 _UNK: No. Nothing from you. If you don't like it, call her attorney._

…

 _..._

They pick Isla up in the early afternoon, and the little girl runs toward them, overjoyed, gesturing wildly to the little gold star on her shirt.

"Look, Mommy!" She cries, letting Jane sweeping her off her feet. "I did it! I was a great girl."

Jane laughs into Isla's hair, and the sound squeezes around Maura's diaphragm until she is breathless with affection.

"You are the greatest," Jane says thickly. "I'm very proud of you."

Isla leans away from her mother, holding her arms out to Maura, face an adorable request for permission. Maura lets her swing from Jane's arms to her, and looking at Jane for any sign of anxiety, presses a kiss to the crown of her head.

"We're so proud of you," she says, only realizing after the fact that her attempt to keep away from the first person has made them sound like a couple.

Isla snuggles against her. "Good," she says. "Can we get ice cream? Please? I didn't even tattle on Jojo during nap."

They make their way as a little unit to the table where Isla needs to be signed out, and the teacher greets them brightly and hands the pen to Jane.

"What did Jojo do during the nap?" Maura asks as Jane leans down to look for her name.

"He pinched me."

Jane's hand with the pen in it freezes. She looks up. "What?"

"Jojo pinched me," Isla says again, oblivious to her mother's changing expression. "But we don't suppose to talk during nap."

Jane straightens, a frown creasing the spot between her eyebrows. "You can tell Jojo not to touch you," she says, clearly trying to keep herself from losing it. "That's okay, tiny."

Isla shakes her head. "Nope," she says. "No talkin. Iffa talk, get a silver star. No ice cream."

And Maura sees, in Jane's eyes, the moment she follows the logic to its natural conclusion.

This is Jane's fault.

She glances at Maura and then bends down to scratch her name next to Islas on the sign-out sheet. The teacher turns from another couple and smiles between them.

"Hello, Ms. Rizzoli! Isla was the picture of perfection today, I'm sure she told you already."

Her eyes fall on Maura. "Hi!" she says in the same bright tone. "I'm Sarah Gionne, the teacher's aide for the pre-k!"

"It's nice to meet you," Maura says distractedly.

"You too," Sarah says. "You know, let me go get you an information sheet. If you come to pick up Isla on your own, we need it on file."

She smiles into Maura's confused face before turning away.

"I know, it seems like overkill, but all mothers and fathers have to do it."

And that is when Maura realizes that this woman thinks she is Isla's second parent.

"Oh," she calls after the woman. "No, I-"

But Jane touches her elbow lightly. Her face is still cloudy with emotion, but she looks at Maura and smiles, just a little.

She shrugs. "Let her get the form."

…

…

 _Jane's physical body is gone from her house, but Maura still finds pieces of their life together around every turn. They hit her as hards as if they were the detective's actual remains, her ashes, scattered around the house._

 _She finds Jane's badge under the pillow in the guest room. Jane must have taken to sleeping with it. Would she pull it out when she was alone and look at it? What did it mean to her now? Why did having it close to her help her more than never seeing it again, and why didn't Maura ask her?_

 _She strips the bed, intent on washing the sheets, but they smell like Jane, and she ends up sitting at the top of her stairs, wrapped in the top sheet, pressing her forehead to the cool wood of the banister._

 _Dominic's death is almost two months in the rearview mirror, what a fool she'd been to think that his end would help Jane heal._

 _Those nights when she held Jane's limp hand in her own and talked to her about choices and futures and promises, why hadn't she told her that his death was not her fault? Why hadn't she told Jane that she did not have to choose between extinguishing a potential life, and carrying on a legacy of violence?_

 _One day, six weeks after Jane's departure from the house, in a fit of self-pity and anger, she'd removed all of the things that reminded her of the detective. The pictures, the bedsheets, the dress she'd been wearing during their first kiss, the potholder with the burn in the thumb from the first time they'd had sex._

 _The shampoo she used, and the lotion she needed to apply to her scars to keep them from itching, and the hair ties she's always refused to get rid of, though they were stretched beyond their elastic ability._

 _She worked for hours in a manic, diligent haze that she had not experienced since Medical School, and when she finally looked out a window, she realized that the sun had vanished, and wondered if it had disappeared for Jane, wherever she was._

 _Not once, on that day, or in the many that followed, did Maura even consider looking for Dominic's suicide letter._

 _The thought that Jane might have taken it never even occurred to her._

…

…

A hand on her knee wakes her up, and she turns her head to see Jane looking at her with wide, dark eyes.

"It's okay," Maura says automatically. "It's just me."

But Jane shakes her head, fully awake and completely lucid. "I'm sorry," she says. "I...wanted to talk to you about something. I'm sorry."

Maura sits up a little straighter. It is the second night they've fallen asleep on the couch, and her back weakly protests this burgeoning habit.

"It's fine," she says. "What is it?"

Jane is sitting cross-legged, facing her, and for a moment, she just looks down at her hands in her lap, lip between her teeth.

"Will you talk to Isla tomorrow?" she asks finally. "I mean...when we're at the zoo, will you find a second, a couple of minutes to talk to her alone?"

Maura frowns. "Talk to her about what, sweetheart?" she asks gently.

"About, um, agency," Jane says. "Uh, I mean, about like, when it's okay to break the rules for safety."

This is about naptime, Maura realizes. Jane has not forgotten at all.

"Oh," Maura says softly. "Jane, that wasn't your fault. You know that, right?"

Jane shakes her head. "I...don't want her to be confused," she says gruffly. "I...think it would be less confusing if it comes from you. If you tell her that...that what makes us most proud is when she sticks up for herself."

Maura leans forward so that she can see Jane's face in the light from the street.

"Darling," she murmurs.

Jane's eyes are wet. "I would have gotten her ice cream for even a silver star, Mo," she says. Her voice breaks a little on the last part of her sentence. "I...why doesn't she know that?"

"She does," Maura says, inching closer. "She does. She also knows that if she were in danger, or if something was really wrong, she could speak up without consequences."

Jane looks up at her, eyes drifting from her face to her clavicle, and lower.

She swallows. "Talk to her," she says heavily. "Just the same. Promise me you'll talk to her."

Maura nods. "I promise. I'll find some time tomorrow."

For a while they just sit there, looking at each other in the darkness. Maura can practically hear Jane at war with herself, holding herself back.

"Jane," she begins, but the brunette cuts her off suddenly.

"Is love just...deprivation?" she asks, voice hoarse. "Is it just...not doing things, because of love?"

Maura smiles sadly. She reaches out toward Jane until her hands are close enough to touch, and then she stops.

"God, I hope not," she whispers.

Maura's eyes are closed when Jane takes her hands and pulls them forward, pressing them against her own ribcage, underneath her shirt, against her skin.

Her eyes are closed, and so she can only hear the sharp intake of breath and the way it comes out like a sigh and a whimper.

"Please, just…" Jane tugs her closer until they are embracing. Those long, familiar fingers on Maura's shoulder blades make her feel as though she is floating. "Just…"

Maura shakes her head against Jane's shoulder. She lets her fingers map the skin of Jane's back, the ribs she can feel too well. "I can stop," she says and feels the forewarning wave of burning on her chest.

"I would stop for you," she says. "Just ask, love."

But Jane hugs her tighter and doesn't answer. She puts her mouth against Maura's neck, not like a kiss, but like she really wants to taste her, and it is impossible for the doctor to keep herself from moaning.

"Do you get wet for me?" Jane asks against her shoulder. "Maura? Do I turn you on."

She's not asking for sex. She's not even asking for any type of confirmation that isn't verbal.

" _Yes_ ," Maura says breathlessly. She doesn't curl her fingers into Jane's shoulder blades or tilt her hips up against Jane's pelvis like she might have done in the past.

She has never been turned on to the point of aching before.

She has never been like this, and _not_ wanted to have an orgasm. Not until now.

"Maura," Jane has been moving her lips along her neck, saying her name between each stop, like after each time it meant something different.

"Mmm," Maura says. She presses the pad of her fingers gently against a particularly prominent rib. _Vertebrocostal. Number four._

Tomorrow, she will make sure Jane eats more.

"Maura," Jane whispers right by her ear. "Maura, please?"

Maura nods. She pulls away briefly so that Jane can settle a blanket over the two of them on the couch. She puts her hand into Jane's hair without asking, though she makes sure the other woman sees it coming. She makes sure Jane has time to reject the movement if she wants.

She doesn't.

Maura closes her eyes.


	11. Return

_JaneJaneJaneJaneJaneJaneJaneJaneJaneJaneJaneJane_

 _I could say your name all day you know it's the most beautiful sound in the world_

 _I think they're recording me where I am now but I don't care because I close my eyes and pretend that it's you watching at the other end of the feed._

 _You watching me sleep watching me eat_

 _Getting ready to come and see me_

 _You're coming to see me Jane I know it, and until then I will just say your name until that mean guard comes in and tells me to "CAN IT"_

 _Then Ill whisper._

…

…...

Allison is dressed in loose-fitting overalls and a faded plaid shirt. She looks young, innocent even, until Maura looks into her face, and realizes that she is possibly older than Jane.

"Thanks for coming," she says warmly. "I know you probably like to spend as much time with Jane as possible on these trips."

Maura smiles without embarrassment. "She's at work, though I would probably sit and watch her file papers all day if I were given the choice."

Allison laughs and gestures Maura into a chair at the dining room table. "How are you, Maura?" she asks.

Maura has to swallow her normal response, and it takes her a moment to answer.

 _I'm fine. Please, call me Maura._

"It's all very surreal," she says, stunned into blunt honesty by Allison's smile.

"I agree," Allison nods. "But it was time," she continues. "It's been time for a while now."

Maura takes a long sip of her chai in order to steel herself for her next question.

"How long have you and Jane been friends?" she asks tentatively.

Allison fixes her with a surprised expression. "Don't you know?" she asks, sounding genuinely surprised rather than judgemental. "Henry delivered Isla."

Maura's mouth falls open. "W-what?"

Allison leans back in her chair. "She didn't tell you," she says sadly. "Well, don't worry. If she knows you're here, then she meant for me to do it. She's like that, I don't have to tell you."

Maura bites her lip momentarily, trying to reassure herself with Allison's words. She'd arrived with a neat set of questions, organized and filed in her mental rolodex. This revelation has knocked everything out of order.

"Your husband was her, ah, her obstetrician?"

"No," Allison answers. "He was...the Family Medicine doctor on duty when she came into the clinic. She was already four centimeters dilated, so there weren't a lot of options."

Maura feels like someone is squeezing her chest very hard. "She must have been so scared," she whispers to no one.

Allison reaches out to touch her arm. "It's okay," she says softly. "They made it through."

Maura nods, grateful, and for a moment they sit there in silence. It had been Jane's idea that she spend some time with Allison while Jane was at work, but Maura had not expected anything as revelatory as this.

"Henry lost his sister, you know," Allison says after another stretch of silence. "She took her own life when he was sixteen."

Maura blinks, confused. "I'm sorry," she says, though it comes out as if she is asking a question.

Allison waves her away. "She was older than he was. In an abusive relationship, and I think she felt trapped."

Ah. "I see," Maura says.

"Yes," Allison says. "Delivering Isla affected him a great deal. I don't think Jane remembers much of it. She didn't recognize Henry when we applied to adopt her daughter."

Maura closes her eyes for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. "I...That's why you applied," she says finally.

"Neither of us thought she should give her up," Allison says. "Isla was miserable without her."

"I know the feeling," Maura says before she can stop herself. Allison nods sympathetically. There is something about her that Maura likes instinctively. She is like Jane, perhaps: someone who has had too much trauma for the normal person to bear, and yet she has continued on in spite of it.

"You never had children?" Maura hears herself ask. "I'm sorry," she continues at once. "I don't know why I thought that was-"

Allison squeezes her arm, shaking her head. "Jane is much braver than I have ever been," she says. "And that damned dalmation is quite enough for me!"

She says it so earnestly, so honestly, that Maura doesn't think to question her, not even over the comment regarding Jane's bravery.

"I don't want her to think that anything has to happen tonight," Maura says instead, getting to the point she wanted to bring up at the beginning. "Just because you're taking Isla...I don't want her to feel pressured. And Isla doesn't even have to stay-"

"Maura," Allison cuts her off, looking at her with a slight frown. "Have you ever read the letter that Dominic wrote her before he committed suicide?"

"What?" Maura asks caught off guard. "No. I-"

But Allison stands and retreats into a room off of the kitchen. When she returns, she is holding the old envelope, Jane's name still scrawled across the front.

The squeezing is back.

"I don't-" Maura begins, but Allison sits down and puts the envelope into her hands, not letting go until she knows Maura will hold onto it.

"You need to read this," she says seriously, speaking more loudly when Maura starts to protest. "No, Maura. You want Jane? You want your family back? The family you _deserve?_ Then you need to read this letter. She _needs_ you to."

And so Maura takes the letter with slightly shaking hands, pulling it out of the wrinkled old envelope. She has come to New York City this time for two weeks, and she and Jane will spend tonight together without Isla sleeping nearby.

She unfolds the first piece of paper.

….

….

 _Jane we were supposed to be so happy together like all of the families I watched on TV I mean sure sometimes they fought but they alway made up and then everyone was happily ever after ever after ever after_

 _I know you would have come back if they'd given you a choice_

 _They didn't give you a choice but I know you just needed some time to cool off I got mad and lashed out and you needed time to cool down and find a place to bandage your stomach I'm really sorry about that by the way is the baby okay?_

 _is the baby okay?_

 _is the baby okay?_

 _Here they say I'm crazy and so I have to take the medicine they prescribe or it will get worse but I'm not crazy I just miss you_

 _And Dr Parker said to take the medicine and look how that ended up for him_

 _Ha ha ha_

….

….

It has blurred a little, Maura has to admit.

She goes back to Boston and works hard enough to fall into unconsciousness the moment her head hits the pillow.

She goes to New York and is full. Happy. Whole.

They don't sleep together in bed, but it doesn't matter. Maura doesn't even consider asking, and it seems that Jane is grateful for this. When the days are good, they sleep on the couch, Maura pressed into Jane's side, letting long fingers trace her ribs, her collarbone, the rounded bones of her ankles.

"You're so beautiful," Jane says. She sounds awed. And sad.

It continues this way. Touches that leave her breathless and aching and happy beyond the limits of language.

 _You want me? Do you want to touch me?_

 _Yes yes yes._

Always it starts out like this, Jane's deep voice in her ear, hands pressing her back against the couch.

 _But you're not touching me. Even though you want to. You want to, but you won't._

 _God, yes. I want to, Jane. I want to put my hands on you. But you have to tell me it's okay. It won't feel good unless you tell me it's okay._

"Don't tell me you love me," Jane says one night, as they sit together on the couch. Isla is asleep against Jane's chest, Olaf tucked securely under her arm. "Like," Jane must be able to see the shock and confusion in Maura's face, because she struggles to clarify, the hand that is not rubbing Isla's back gesturing in the air.

"Like...I know you do. I...do too. It's just…" She trails off looking a little frustrated. It is Maura's fifth visit to the city, her second long weekend, and the apartment is starting to feel as comfortable to her as Boston.

Maura tucks her feet up under herself. "He said it a lot," she fills in softly. She knows that Jane keeps herself from flinching because Isla is on top of her.

"But he," a breath, "he didn't mean it."

"No," Maura echoes. "He didn't."

Jane's hand pauses on Isla's back, just for a half-second. "Tell me...you'll listen to me," she says finally. Her head falls back against the couch like this attempt at a conversation about her psyche has made her tired.

Maybe it has. Maura feels dual tides of affection and pride.

That night, the doctor whispers all of the things she wants to do against the shell of Jane's ear until the skinny body beside her is wound tight like a spring.

"My pleasure is yours," she says, keeping her hands by her side. "My pleasure is yours, and I can only wait for you to let me. I wouldn't want to do anything else."

Jane whimpers softly, shuddering. "Tell it again," she says into the darkness. "If I said yes, all the things you would do."

…

…

" _Maura, is your daddy in heaven? Mine is in Heaven."_

 _The question comes while she and Isla sit together on the couch, waiting for Jane to get out of the shower._

 _It is a new development, this closeness when Jane is not around, and Maura treasures it like something expensive and rare._

" _Yes," she says, deciding to be as honest as she can be. "He's in Heaven."_

 _Isla nods, and for a moment they just look at the picture book open on the doctor's lap. It is a beautifully illustrated story, about angels who come down in the middle of the night to help a woman bake a magically delicious cake. Maura thinks this may be where Isla's topic of conversation has come from._

" _He made me in my mommy's tummy. But also he was sick."_

 _Maura doesn't shiver, although the Isla's phrasing makes her feel a little queasy._

 _She has now been in Isla's room enough times to see the many books on her bookshelf. Nestled between titles about mice and cookies, Alexander and his very bad day, Maura has seen other, less popular books._ _Where Did My Daddy Go?_ _and_ _Just Mommy & Me._

 _The presence of those books makes Maura overwhelmingly proud and inexpressibly sad. She doesn't bring up to Jane that she's noticed them._

 _Now Isla fixes Maura with the grey/blue eyes she got from her father. "Was your daddy sick?" she asks. "Want a hug to feel better?"_

 _Maura smiles, despite herself. "I will always take a hug from you," she says, more brightly than she feels. "Thank you, sweetheart."_

 _They are still sitting close together when Jane emerges from the bathroom, looking clean and refreshed._

 _Maura prays that Isla has finished this discussion for now, but she has not prayed in over 20 years, and so this one goes unanswered._

" _Mommy, Maura's daddy's in Heaven too!"_

 _Isla chirps over the back of the couch._

 _Jane's horror is barely visible. Just for a split second._

" _Oh yeah?" she asks casually._

" _Yes," Isla says. "I bet they eat cake sometimes! Will you come read this with us? Please?"_

 _Jane's smile is a very good facsimile of a real one. She sits down next to Maura, and Isla scrabbles into her lap, and as they settle, the little girl sighs happily._

" _This is the best," she says drowsily._

 _Jane's expression softens. Maura couldn't agree more._

….

….

There is a surprise is waiting for Maura the next time she visits New York. Jane comes alone to the station to pick her up, and for the entire ride downtown, one knee bounces with nervous energy.

Maura is too scared to ask what's wrong in case the answer is that _she_ is the problem.

But Jane pushes open the apartment door and gestures Maura inside ahead of her. There in the living room that Maura knows hasn't changed in years, is a brand new pull out couch.

"It's the nicest one made," Jane says quietly, when Maura still hasn't found her voice. "I know your back's been hurting, lying on the couch with me all the time. And I'm not sure I can…"

She drifts off here, but Maura doesn't need her to finish. She turns to Jane, waiting until concerned brown eyes meet her own.

"I don't know how to tell you what this means to me," she says heavily. "I think I know what it took for you to do this, and...I am in awe of you."

Jane has never been good with compliments, and true to form, she bats this one away with a huff and a roll of her eyes. She turns away to the kitchen and her next sentence comes so casually that Maura almost misses another monumental step forward.

"Well, maybe next time you can stay a little bit longer."

She doesn't answer at once because all the air has left her lungs. And then, she doesn't answer because she knows Jane can see the answer in her face, and that is good enough for both of them.

…

…

 _YOU WILL BE SWEET TO ME AND YOU WILL LOVE ME JANE. I KNOW YOU GET MAD SOMETIMES I GET MAD TOO THAT'S WHY I LET YOU GO WHEN YOU CUT ME AND I CUT YOU WE BOTH NEEDED SOME TIME TO COOL OFF. WE BOTH NEEDED SOMETIME TO COOL OFF BUT YOU WILL BE ROMANCE WITH ME OR I WILL MAKE YOU DO IT. LIMP AND SWEET AND KIND LIKE I KNOW YOU ARE LIKE I KNOW YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN._

 _WHEN YOU COME BACK YOU WILL SAY YOU ARE SORRY. YOU ARE SORRY I KNOW YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KILL ME YOU JUST WALKED OUT THATS HOW I KNOW YOU WILL COME BACK. YOU WILL COME BACK YOU WILL COME BACK EVEN IF YOU COME BACK IN HEAVEN._

….

…...

It is not all careful moves and heavy, meaningful moments. Sometimes it feels as if no time has passed at all.

They order pizza and bicker over television shows.

Maura burns through the hot water one evening, and then is subject to Jane's teasing for the rest of the night. They sit together on the couch, shoulders touching, and Maura reads while Jane scolds professional athletes as though they can hear her.

Isla does not let Maura have the hot pink Boa again, but she announces that Maura is the only one allowed to play doctor with her, and the pirate ship on the top bunk sometimes transforms into a four year old's imagined ER, where the worst pain in the world is a skinned knee.

Maura brings letters from Boston, one from Frost first, to test the waters, and Jane is only half a minute into reading it when she laughs out loud.

She sends Maura home with letters for all of them, and Angela looks like she could hug Maura _almost._ She looks like she would apologize for the last six years if she didn't know that there is no apology big enough to span the time.

She doesn't read her daughter's letter while Maura is there, but the next week, before Maura's set to head back to New York, Angela arrives in the morgue with a little canvas bag.

"It's everything she needs to make the ravioli she really likes," Angela says, handing it over, not saying Jane's name. "You'll make sure she doesn't burn the place down."

Maura can't help but smile. "Thank you," she says. She watches as Angela turns and heads towards the door, and before she can really think of her next move, she has called out the other woman's name, making her pause.

They just look at each other for a second, and Maura tries to remember the last time they had anything nice to say. She wonders if Angela doesn't say Jane's name because for months on end all they did was scream it at each other from opposite ends of the living room.

"You used to think of me as a second daughter," Maura says finally, though it seems unsatisfying once it's out. It doesn't do nearly enough to convey how hurt she has been, or how fiercely she sought to hurt in return.

Angela's half smile is the same as her daughter's.

How Maura had _longed_ for a mother like this one when she was younger.

"You know," Angela says softly. "When she was with Gabriel, or Joey Grant...I was happy." Angela meets her eyes, and then looks away. "There was never a question about who she would choose, if it came right down to it." she continues. "If he did something I didn't like. If he was some _one_ I didn't like, she would drop him, first thing.

"I think I knew then, that it wasn't love, that she didn't - couldn't - love them. But...I would have kept it that way. Because it meant that I would always be the answer to the ultimatum."

Maura doesn't contradict her. Doesn't say that Jane would choose Angela over Maura. Doesn't say that Jane will never have to choose. She hasn't ever been good at lying.

Angela looks up at her, a smile like, _you can be the judge of that_. _You can decide what kind of mother that makes me._

And then she turns back to the door and leaves.

When Jane and Isla meet her in Grand Central that evening, Jane looks surprised.

"I told Ma that she could come," she says on the subway. "I told her that if she really, _really_ needed to, she could come here."

They are nearing their stop, and Jane finally lets out a breath, like _now_ she believes that her mother isn't going to appear.

"I am so _relieved_ ," she exhales.

Maura doesn't know what to say to this, but at that moment Jane leans into her and kisses her gently on the cheek.

"I have missed you," she says under her breath. "I have missed the way you smell."

And thoughts of conversation are low on the list of priorities.

…

…

 _You know what's right. You know how we should be. When you hear, I know that you'll do what you have to do to make us a family again. If the baby is a boy, bring him. Name him after his father._

 _We will dance, and make love, and have a picnic everyday, and you will love me like you love the doctor._

 _In death we will finally be in love._

 _I am the one you are meant to love._

 _The tearing you feel. The fight. The hurt. The struggle. It will be gone when you're with me and our son in heaven._

 _You'll love me like you loved the doctor._

 _I'll see you soon._

….

….

She forgoes the jeans.

Usually Maura tries to dress as casually as possible, but when Jane meets her off the subway from Allison's apartment, she is dressed in a new outfit from uptown, and her makeup is just this side of seductive.

For a moment Jane just stares at her, frozen in place, until she visibly shakes herself and takes a half step forward.

"You look," she swallows. "You look really good."

Maura smiles. "I found new shoes uptown, and it snowballed from there."

Jane offers her arm as they reach the stairs, and her eyes don't leave Maura's body. It feels good to have Jane look at her like this.

"I'm glad it did," she says finally.

Dinner is slow and exactly like old times. Jane takes her to a small, authentic Italian restaurant, and they stay late enough to shut the place down. They talk about Isla, about Frost, about what they might do with the 13 days that stretch out ahead of them like a trial period for something they already know they want to buy.

Maura is more aggressive than she's ever been on any previous trip, more blatantly sexual, and it works. She is careful not to touch, to keep her seduction strictly to words and expressions, and Jane loosens up. She plays along.

Dinner, gelato, a walk in air that is fall crisp and perfect, by the time they step into the elevator in Jane's building, Maura thinks her companion looks happier and more relaxed than she's ever been.

She stands back while Jane unlocks the door and waits for Jane's gesture before entering the apartment.

"You're different tonight," Jane says, touching each lock gently, and then reaching for Maura's coat.

"Dressing up made me feel good," Maura says honestly. "And it made me feel even better that you like it."

Jane blushes slightly. "I'm that obvious?"

Maura laughs. "Yes," she says. "But it's arousing to me that you find me attractive."

Jane hesitates, teetering between a joke and a serious question.

She decides to combine the two. "You're turned on?" she smirks.

Maura nods. "Extremely."

"Oh." Hesitation again.

Here is where Maura would back off, where she would say that she will wait until Jane doesn't connect sex with Dominic. Here is when she usually says the words _I love you_ , and, _sweetheart,_ and, _safety._

But now that she has read Dominic's last words to Jane, she doesn't say anything like that. It has never been about the sex. She sits down on the couch and crosses her legs in a way that raises her dress a little higher on her thighs.

Jane licks her lips.

"It doesn't have to mean anything," Maura says, and then more decisively, "It _won't_ mean anything." She looks up into Jane's wide eyes, and she smiles. "Go ahead," she continues. "Ask me what I want."

…

 _Everytime we're together it means everything in the world. Everytime I take you, you're a little more mine. A little bit less hers. You'll never be hers again._

 _I'll always be waiting for you right here. Right where they can't ever separate us._

 _And then we can take our time._

….

 _Oh. Fuck._

When Jane comes, her entire body freezes, goes steel stiff for almost eight seconds, and that is all she says, eyes shut tight against the building of pleasure.

 _Yes._ Maura says, confirmation that the pleasure is hers as well, and approval of the language. Language Dominic forbade.

 _Yes, fuck, that's so pretty, baby. That's so good._

They haven't kissed, they are still almost fully dressed, but Maura could be talked into a third orgasm with only a little bit of effort.

Jane's body starts to relax, and Maura puts her hand up to press against her sternum.

 _I want to kiss you everywhere._

 _You can't. But I could kiss you everywhere._

 _God. Yes, you could. I want that too._

 _No._

Maura shudders. _Okay._

She submits, and so Jane does, going limp above her, and quite suddenly their lips are touching.

Maura puts her hands into Jane's hair, longer than it's ever been. She winds it around her fingers as they kiss, and tugs it, harder than what would probably feel good.

Jane moans, hips jerking. "Do that again."

Tonight they will sleep separately, Maura already knows. She'll lock herself in the bedroom and Jane will collapse on the pull out, and only hours after their last kiss will Jane send her a text.

 _ **love you**_ **.**

Maura will smile to herself, will feel the love she has in return, so full that it almost makes her dizzy. She will text back.

 _ **i know.**_


	12. Return to Start

_Jane is sitting on the front steps of the house, just waiting, when the doctor and her date pull up. It's the date who sees Jane first, actually, gesturing with his free hand as they head up the walkway._

" _Ah, it looks as though you have a visitor," he says unsurely._

 _Maura looks around as Jane stands, her hands knotting in front of her body._

" _Jane?" Maura speeds up, and her date's arm falls from her waist. "What is it? Are you alright?"_

 _Jane looks into her face and then away, biting her lip._

" _Yeah," she says, sounding strangled. "I mean," she clears her throat. "No...I'm...not okay."_

 _Alarm radiates outward from Maura's diaphragm, narrowing the world to just the two of them. She hurries forward to pull Jane's hands apart, inspecting her friend for the cause of distress._

" _What is it? What happened?" Jane does not seem injured. She doesn't seem to be in physical pain._

 _Maura tries to meet Jane's eyes, but they keep darting away from her._

" _Jane. What-"_

" _I don't want you to go inside with him."_

 _The words are so small that Maura could pretend that she'd missed them. She_ _could_ _make Jane say them again, more loudly...if she wanted to._

 _She doesn't. "Why?" she asks simply._

" _Because," Jane bites off the end of her sentence like she's angry, but then she meets Maura's eyes and decides to try again._

" _Because I want you to go inside with me," she says. When Maura goes to answer, however, she shakes her head and tries again, unprompted. "I want you to date me," she says, still quiet but very clear._

" _I can't stand thinking about someone else dating you."_

 _Maura shakes her head, but she knows that her smile is giving her away._

" _You told me-"_

" _Fuck what I said," Jane interrupts. "I was scared. I...I'm_ _still_ _scared. But I'm more scared I won't ever get to kiss you."_

 _Maura is caught off guard. "Kiss me?" it comes out breathless and hopeful._

" _Yes," Jane says. She seems to be gaining confidence with every word. "I'm scared I'll never get to kiss you, and I'll never get to...that I'll have to wear some...shitty pink taffeta thing while you marry some asshole, and then I'll have to give the toast, and pretend I'm all happy, when all I'll want to do is-"_

 _But Maura steps up and kisses her then, to shut her up, and to show her what it's like, and to prove to herself that this is really happening._

 _An intake of breath behind her reminds her that her date is still present. She pulls away and spins to face him, dreading meeting his eyes._

 _He looks disappointed, but not enraged. "You're Jane, then," he says to the detective. He almost smiles. "Congrats."_

 _Jane has not let go of Maura. Her grip says that she is debating_ _never_ _letting go again._

" _Yeah," she says, sounding almost as exhilarated as Maura feels. "Sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry that I-I just…" she trails off confusedly before trying again. "I'm sure_ _you're_ _not an asshole."_

 _With Jane's hand on her side, with the prospect of kissing Jane again (and again), Maura can barely even remember his name. She doesn't wait for him to reach his car again before she is pulling Jane inside._

" _You thought," she says between moments of giddy laughter, "that my wedding would have_ _taffeta?_ _"_

….

…

For the first time ever, Maura lets herself into Jane's apartment.

They'd planned her next visit on the subway ride to Grand Central, like always, and when Jane had realized that she'd be arriving on a Thursday before the end of the workday, she'd offered to leave her key with Ted, so Maura didn't have to wait.

"I don't mind," Maura protested, albeit weakly. "I don't mind waiting somewhere until you've completed work."

Jane was looking at her, she seemed to only have eyes for Maura on these trips. As though she wanted to memorize her face until the next time.

"I know you wouldn't mind," Jane had said, without looking away. "But I don't like the thought of you waiting for me when you could just go home."

Now Maura stands in the silent front hall, thinking about how easily Jane had called it her home, and how normal it feels to be there.

She smiles as she hangs her coat in the hall, thinking about how in just three or so hours, Jane will see it when she and Isla come in the door.

Maybe they will smile too.

She wheels her bag into Jane's room, thinking she'd like a shower, maybe a cup of coffee, when her work cell buzzes in her trouser pocket.

She puts it to her ear without looking at the caller ID, ready to tell dispatch that this is the week off a month that last week's memo had outlined.

"Isles."

"Maura?" The voice is familiar, not dispatch. "It's Melinda Warner."

Maura breathes a small sigh of relief. "Melinda! Hello! It's nice to hear from you. Forgive me, I thought you were dispatch."

Melinda makes a sound of understanding. "Well, give me your personal cell, and I won't scare you anymore."

Maura chuckles. "Done. How are you?"

"I'm well. I start vacation tomorrow, so I might even be better than that. You're in the city?"

"I am. A week a month now, if you can believe it."

"I can," Melinda says warmly. "And I couldn't be more happy to hear it."

She pauses here, and Maura can tell she's weighing whether or not to continue.

"What can I do for you?" Maura asks, an invitation. "As long as it's not a consult…"

"You'd be opposed?" Melinda asks quickly, and there's something in her tone that catches Maura's attention.

"No…," she says slowly. " _Is_ it a consult?"

"Possibly better," Melinda says. "I have a job offer for you."

For a moment, Maura's brain stalls out. "A...you have a what?"

"A job offer," Melinda repeats. "Medical Examiner. Here in the city. It's not a lateral move, Maura, I won't lie to you. But it's got a lot of potential for-"

"Leave Boston?" The words are out of her mouth before she has really registered the thought.

Melinda's silence is longer this time. "I thought things were going well with Jane?" she asks quietly.

"No," Maura says quickly. "I mean, _yes_. They are. I just, I hadn't thought that far in the future. We hadn't discussed that I would - we've only ever spoken about it in passing."

"But you spoke about it?" Melinda's question is gentle, aimed only at helping Maura process the moment.

"Yes. I'd planned…" the full weight of her plans hits her right them. _She'd planned to move to New York. That meant leaving Boston. Permanently._

"Boston is the place I've lived the longest," she says into the phone, hoping that the woman on the other end will understand. "I hadn't fully…" she trails off.

"I get it," Melinda says simply. "I'm sorry, for springing this on you."

Maura smiles, despite the way her heart is pounding. "How could you have known?" She asks. "I didn't know myself."

"Well," Melinda hesitates. "If you need someone to work it through with, please don't hesitate to call me. The job can wait a bit, while you figure out what you want. Rosenbaum isn't out until the end of the Summer."

It takes Maura a moment to identify the emotion building inside of her. Melinda gives her all the silence she needs.

"You know," she begins after a moment. "I think I would like that very much. Jane was always the one who made us a community. She was always the one bringing people into my life. She seemed to know how people would fit without even talking to them."

Melinda makes a vague sound, just to show she is listening.

"Maybe you'd like to meet her," Maura continues. "I think you two would get along very well."

It isn't hard to tell that Melinda is smiling when she answers. "I'd like that very much."

…

…

 _Maura gets better at reading Jane's moods._

 _She can see the times when Jane is forcing herself to be cheerful. The times when she keeps moving because stopping means admitting defeat._

" _You're having a hard day," she says quietly. They have dropped Isla at school and are wandering back toward the apartment._

 _Jane takes a deep breath. "Yeah," she says. "It's...I have trouble with today sometimes." she looks sideways at Maura. "Do you know what today is?"_

" _I don't," Maura says apologetically. "And you don't have to share-"_

" _Today is the day we found out about Isla," Jane answers quickly. "Well...You found out she existed at all. I found out she was still there."_

 _Maura tries to keep her face impassive, but she is sure that she's failing._

" _I thought she was gone," Jane says so quietly, that Maura wonders if she meant to keep the thought in her head._

" _I'm glad she isn't," Maura chances._

 _Jane smiles for a quick moment. "Me too."_

" _So what do you do?" Maura asks, bolstered that the detective does not seem to be closing up on her. "What do you do on days like this?"_

 _There is that almost smile again. "Usually I go home and get in bed. I think about you."_

" _Me?"_

 _Jane nods. "I think about what you'd do if you were with me. I think about if you'd love who she is now...About if you'd forgive me enough to love her like yours."_

 _Maura has to work very hard to make words come out of her mouth. "I would love her. I_ _do_ _," she says forcefully. "There is nothing to forgive you for, and I love you both more than I'd ever imagined possible."_

 _Jane doesn't look as reassured by this as Maura would like. "I left you," she says after a moment. "I ran away."_

" _You're an adult," Maura counters. "Not some child who needs looking after. You did what you had to do. Self-preservation. I couldn't be angry at that."_

 _Jane frowns more deeply. "Sometimes I wish you would be angry," she says, voice dropping even more. "Sometimes I wish you were angry so that I could have somewhere to put my guilt."_

 _She shakes her head. "I know that's shitty. I know."_

 _But Maura can't contain her smile. She puts out her hand, palm up. Jane takes it and she squeezes._

" _I do get angry," she says, squeezing Jane's hand again when the other woman looks up at her, surprised. "I did get angry sometimes," she continues. "And I still do, though less often."_

" _I'm sor-" Jane begins, but Maura shakes her head._

" _If my anger ever outweighs how much I love you, how relieved I am to be back with you, how much I adore your daughter...I will tell you."_

 _They have stopped walking, are facing each other on the sidewalk, just holding hands._

" _Promise," Jane says fiercely. "Swear."_

 _Maura puts Jane's hand to her lips. "Cross my heart," she says. "Isn't that what Isla says?"_

 _Jane nods. They start to walk again._

 _They are almost home before Jane speaks again._

" _She's our daughter," she says softly. "Or...I'd like her to be someday."_

 _Maura knows that the noise she makes is totally ungainly, but she couldn't care in the slightest._

…

…

Maura stockpiles safe words. She files away the words that Dominic never used and makes sure to use them as much as possible.

Jane wants to come. She revels in her orgasms, and Maura revels in giving them, urging the woman above her in heavy, lustful words.

Jane is not sweet, pretty, easy, kind. She isn't perfect.

She is gorgeous and sexy. She is wild, and _fuck_ , yes yes yes just like that, darling. When you come I'm going to come too. That's what you do to me.

Maura catches Jane coming out of the shower, a towel wrapped above her breasts, leaving her shoulders bare. It is the first time in over six years that Maura has seen the scars left by Dominic in the brightness of the day.

It is the first time she isn't catching glimpses of Jane's skin through her tank top or running her hands blindly underneath t-shirts.

For a moment they just look at each other. Jane watches Maura's eyes roaming over her body.

"Say it," she says finally.

"I want you," Maura says, breathless. They were intimate last night after Isla was asleep, but it is not enough. Maura doesn't think it will ever be enough again.

"You-"

Maura clasps her hands together. "I want to touch you."

"Where?"  
"Anywhere," out like the end of a moan. "Everywhere."

Jane backs up slowly until she is on just the threshold of the bathroom. She meets Maura's eyes again. "Okay," she says. "In here."

Maura hopes her expression makes it clear that she would follow Jane anywhere.

It is still humid from her shower, and the mirror is still partly fogged. It's an advantage, Maura thinks, and she presses it.

She presses Jane against the far wall, watching her eyes for hesitation. When she doesn't see any, Maura leans in for a kiss. It is returned passionately enough to make her moan.

"Give it," Maura says, breathing hard, already so turned on that full sentences are hard to form. "Give it. I won't take it from you."

Jane pulls away just slightly so that she can tilt her head to the side. She pulls Maura's mouth to her shoulder, lower, to the place where the top of the towel should be.

Maura finds that it isn't there any longer.

"He never," Jane whispers. Her head is in the bend of Maura's neck. Her hands have slid up, under the fabric of her shirt to rest against her back. They pull and push her slowly, building.

"He never," she tries again, but Maura has understood and so she pushes closer to Jane and grips a bare hipbone in her hand.

She is determined that Jane will not think of him again for the next twenty-five minutes.

No, for the next _hour_.

And a half.

"I want to see you come," Maura says, so boldly. And when Jane does, hard enough that they have to slide to the floor, Maura pushes the dark, sweaty hair out of her eyes, and kisses Jane's flushed, beautiful face.

"I'm so hot," she groans against Jane's lips. "I'm _so_ hot, Jane."

Jane's mouth twitches upwards in what might be the beginnings of her usual smirk. "Yeah?"  
"God. Yes."

Two hours.

Maura's going to make this one last.

…

…

" _Look, Morah! Baby shark!" Isla points into the aquarium tank excitedly. "Baabeee shark doo, doo, do-do-do doo!" she sings, giggling._

 _Maura chuckles too, reaching out her hand. The song is too cute (and the little person singing too excited,) for Maura to point out that what she's pointing at is actually a fully grown catshark._

" _Did you know that that type of shark uses camouflage to catch smaller fish on the bottom of the ocean?"_

 _Isla turns to look at her, slipping her tiny hand into the doctor's. "For food?" she asks, looking a little worried._

 _Whoops._

" _Yes," Maura says, deciding to commit to her possible mistake. "Sharks eat small fish. It's part of nature."_

 _Isla is quiet, thinking this over. Her brow is furrowed just like her mother's might be in a stressful situation and Maura waits for her to work through this new information, all pins and needles._

" _Cats eat mice," she says finally. "I saw on Tom and Jerry. Tom is always trying to get Jerry for his soup."_

 _Maura nods. "Yes. In real life, cats like to chase and eat mice."_

" _Hmm. In real life, Mo, what eats Islas?"_

" _Nothing," Maura says immediately. "Your mommy would never let anything eat you. You're too special."_

 _Isla grins, proud. "Even when I'm a crabby patty?"_

" _Even then," Maura assures her._

 _They stand looking into the large tank in silence for a few minutes until Maura decides that this is as good a time as any._

" _You know," she says slowly. "Isla, if you ever feel scared, you can always tell your mommy. She'll take care of whatever it is."_

 _Isla looks up at her, frowning. "Scared of what?"_

" _Well, remember when Jojo pinched you during nap time?"_

 _Isla rolls her eyes in a very dramatic fashion. "Yeah. He's always pinching. Even when we're not doing pretend."_

 _Maura nods. "Well, if you told him to stop...even when you weren't supposed to be talking, Mommy would be proud of you for standing up for yourself. She would be proud even if you didn't get a gold star."_

 _Isla considers this very seriously. "Because if you touch my body with no permi-shun, then I say "NO," real loud, huh?"_

" _Yes," Maura says. "Even if it's during a time when you're supposed to be quiet."_

 _At that moment, Jane returns from the food court. She is holding Isla's requested hot dog, and a cup of coffee for Maura._

" _Fifteen dollars," she scoffs. "For a hot dog and two coffees? I should call in a robbery."_

" _Mommy," Isla says through a mouth full of hot dog. She has already managed to get mustard on her shirt._

" _A shark eats tiny fish because of nature. Also, you will always be proud of me, because of nature too." She turns and points down the carpeted hall. "Can we see the otters?"_

 _She is off before either adult can react._

" _That conversation got a bit confused," Maura says apologetically as they head after her._

 _But Jane shakes her head. She's smiling. "Perfect," she says. "You did perfectly."_

…

…...

Lex and Maura don't interact with each other very much. It is not because of a mutual dislike, or rather, it is certainly not because of any dislike on Maura's part. They just seem to be more comfortable interacting through Jane, especially as Maura becomes a more consistent presence in her life.

The doctor finds it hard to forget that Lex traveled all the way to Boston in order to confront her over something that wasn't even in the works. It makes her feel uneasy.

Lex, for her part, seems to vacillate between standoffishness and ferocious jealousy. She arrives every Tuesday, whether Maura is there or not, and Maura can see how relieved and delighted she is when Isla continues to jump into her arms upon her arrival. During Maura's visit this time, Lex is coming over an additional time, and as she pulls off her coat and answers Jane's greeting, Maura wonders if she can sense the intimacy shift that has happened between herself and Jane.

Maura wonders if there is a red alarm bell ringing frantically over her head for anyone who chooses to look.

She wonders if she looks as wildly happy as she feels; as satisfied.

Lex glances at her as they leave, and then away, and Maura has just decided that she is making too much of the situation when Jane touches the outside of her hand with two of her fingers.

Maura looks around at her as they link fingers.

Jane's smile is just to the softer side of a smirk. "I'll talk to her," she says as they step into the elevator.

Maura squeezes Jane's hand and tries for levity. "To her?" she asks. "Not to me?"

Jane puffs a laugh. "We're talking now," she says. "And you haven't done anything wrong."

"And she has?"

"No," Jane sighs. "Not really. But I should still talk to her."

Maura hesitates. She and Jane had discussed Lex's visit to Boston on only one occasion and the conversation had been very short.

"Lex came to see me," Maura had ventured.

"I know," Jane replied, impassive.

Now, Maura gathers herself.

"She's jealous," she murmurs.  
Jane pulls away to get the door of the lobby for them. Maura sees that the smile is back.

"Yes," she agrees. "But not in the way you're thinking."

"Not romantically?" Maura's tone is just the smallest bit bitter. She decides it can't be helped.

Jane's smile grows. "No," she says. "At least not now."

It is Maura's turn to sigh. "Explain?"

"She's a kid," Jane begins, but Maura interjects.

"Hardly. She's not ten years younger than you are."

"Twelve."

Maura does the math automatically. "Still. 26 is hardly a child."

Jane quirks an eyebrow. "Do you want an explanation or what?" she asks.

"I'm sorry," Maura says, taking a breath to ground herself. "Please continue."

"I…" A pause that makes Maura's heart race. "I leaned on her too much. In the beginning," Jane says. She offers her arm to Maura. "I took from her and I took from her, and I never wondered what _she_ was getting out if it."

"The knowledge that she was helping a frightened woman and her child?" Maura offers.

Jane glances at her as if to read her sincerity. "No," she says. "That feeling you get when something belongs only to you."

"You are not a thing," Maura says, firing up.

Jane smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners in the way the Maura loves. "I know," she says gently. "That's not really what I meant."

"What did you mean?" Maura asks. She knows she sounds a little desperate.

"Lex gave her entire life over to making sure we were okay," Jane says. "I didn't want to talk to anyone besides her. I didn't want anyone else to hold Isla...I didn't want anyone else in my apartment."

Jane considers their linked fingers. "It felt nice, I know, to be the only one who could reach me."

 _You don't know her anymore, Dr. Isles._

Maura bites her lip. "I hope she doesn't think I want her gone," she says after a long stretch of silence. "I hope she knows that I value her, that I could truly _like_ her if we gave it a chance."

"She knows," Jane says. "Or...she will when I talk to her."

"I don't want-" Maura begins again, but then she breaks off, not quite sure where she was going.

Jane shakes her head. "Don't worry, please. I started this so you wouldn't worry. Things would have changed if you hadn't been here."

Maura watches a thought cloud Jane's face. "Change was coming," she says.

"How ominous," Maura returns, hoping to pull her companion back into the present. She smiles when Jane looks around at her but doesn't get one in return.

"What is it?" Maura asks.

And Jane pulls in a deep breath and runs a hand through her hair.

"I think," she says, seeming to force the words from her mouth. "That it's time to visit Boston."


	13. Isla

Isla is eleven years old when she learns the full truth surrounding her birth.

 _It's too soon. She's too young._ She hears her parents in the kitchen before they come in to talk to her.

Sitting there, on the couch with her feet just barely scraping the floor, she feels a rush of annoyance that her mother doesn't think she is ready for what is about to happen. Her mother has never doubted her before. Whatever it is, she will rise to the occasion the way Rizzoli -who also happens to be an Isles - would do.

When her parents come in, she looks both of them in the eyes.

"I can do it," she says, though that night she will wish they'd lied to her. "I can do it. Tell me."

And this is how she learns about Dominic. About her mother's capture, rescue, her disappearance from and her return to Boston.

She doesn't interrupt, although she is given the space to do so, and when Jane is finished, the silence lasts for a long, long time.

"Sweetheart," Maura says softly. "This doesn't change how much we love you. This doesn't change anything about our family."

Isla frowns. She doesn't know how, but she knows that this is most definitely not the case. Even if it's clear both parents believe it.

"My dad was...sick," she says softly, repeating the story she's always known, fitting the new definition of that word into her mindset. "Did...he know about me?"

Mom hesitates, and Isla winces before the answer reaches her.

"No," Jane says. She would apologize if Isla asked her too. She doesn't dodge the question.

"I kept you a secret. From everyone. For a long time."

"How come?"

Her mother looks so sad. Isla has never particularly noticed the way her mother's face expresses emotion before.

"I guess I was afraid," Jane says. Isla sees Maura put a hand on her back, just lightly until she gets a nod of acknowledgment.

"Mom," Isla says suddenly, unaware that she's cutting Jane off. "Is that why you don't like it when other people touch you besides us? Is that why Mommy always chaperones my school trips?"

More and more things are occurring to Isla as she sits there. More abnormalities are popping up and she reexamines her past with a new lens.

"Is that why only Uncle Henry's been in our house?"

Jane rubs her forehead slowly, jaw working like she's trying to answer. Mommy answers for her.

"Yes, darling," she says. "Some things are still hard for momma. And that's okay."

The last part seems to be a reminder that isn't just for Isla.

They sit in silence again. Isla watched as Jane starts to cry, and Maura holds her hand, and rubs the back of her neck."

The sight of her mother's tears makes Isla scared. Jane rarely cries, and the idea that she might be the cause…

"I'm sorry," she murmurs, her own throat constricting with emotion. "I'm really sorry."

Jane shakes her head breaking away from Maura to hold her arms out to her daughter.

"No," she says firmly, as Isla moves to her. "Bean, you have nothing to be sorry for. You-" she breaks off as she wraps her arms around Isla's shoulders. "I love you so much. We both do. I…"

Isla looks up at her mother who is looking at Maura, plaintive.

Isla presses her face to her mom's sweatshirt. She smells like vanilla lotion, and coffee beans, and faintly of Maura's shampoo.

"Isla," Jane whispers into her hair, but nothing else.

Isla hugs a little tighter.

…

 _Her Nona's 60th birthday happens two weeks after Isla's 6th, and Jane gives her daughter the choice of going with Maura to the celebration in Boston._

 _It will be her first time out of the city, the first time that she goes to see Nona rather than the other way around._

" _I'll go with Maura," Isla says after considering. "I'll go with mommy."_

 _She is aware of experimenting with the word as she says it, even if she doesn't fully understand all of the ways in which it is important. Both adults have told her to use the term only when and if she feels comfortable, and so sometimes she plans to say it, and sometimes it just slips out. What she does understand, even at six, is that when she calls Maura "mommy," the woman does more 'mommy-like' things._

 _And that makes Isla happy._

 _Now, snuggled all together on the couch, Maura bends to kiss Isla's temple and smooth her hair from her face. Isla closes her eyes and hums happily, a habit she learned from her mother. She pretends to doze as her mothers murmur above her._

 _There. The word just appeared that time without Isla's doing anything about it. The realization makes her grin._

" _So that's settled."_

" _She'll have a great time. She'll love Boston."_

" _She's not who I worry about."_

' _I'll be fine too. I'll go hang at Liv's if I need to."_

" _You could still come."_

 _Momma sighs so big-like and heavy, that Isla's body rises and falls with the air. She has to work very hard not to giggle and give herself away._

" _I...can't."_

" _Angela's been great when she's been here. They all have."_

" _It's...You're right. It's not them...it's...the house."_

 _Silence._

 _It lasts long enough that Isla wants to crack an eye open and look up at them. She resists. Just barely._

" _We decided not to put the house on the market this year. I thought-"_

" _I let you think. You love that house, Mo. It's the first place you really felt at home. You said that to me a couple of times."_

" _No, darling. Or if I did, that's not what I meant._ _You_ _made that house a home. You must know that. It was never the same without you."_

 _And then maybe Isla really does fall asleep, because the next thing she knows, Mommy is carrying her towards her room._

" _I love you, mommy," Isla says, sleepy._

" _I love you too, beautiful girl," Maura says in her ear. "And I love it when you feel like calling me Mommy."_

 _Isla hugs Olaf tight and grins into his fluffy head._

 _She loves it too._

…

…

Isla sits on the couch in the Altman's apartment, leaning heavily against her aunt Liv, enough so that she's basically sitting in her lap. It is just beginning to dawn on her how meticulously her mother has provided for her.

Olivia kisses the top of her head. "How you doin, babe?" she asks gently. "Need anything?"

Isla opens her mouth and then shuts it again. Everything she needs is here, though she would not have been able to articulate the desire.

"Your mom loves you so much, hon," Allie says from the armchair nearby.

"I know," Isla says truthfully. "I just…" She snuggles more deeply into Liv's embrace. "Am I ever like him? Do you think…" she pauses, trying to gather her thoughts. "Do you think she ever sees him? In me?"

Allison and Liv exchange a look that Isla can't read, and then Allison gets up and leaves the room. Isla cranes her neck to see where she's gone, but she returns almost as quickly.

She sits down on the other side of Isla and holds out a square photo, upside down.

"Would you like to see his picture?"

Isla hesitates, despite the fact that she wants nothing more than to see her biological father's face.

Allie's smile is warm. "It's okay to want to see him," she says. "Go ahead, love."

The picture is a headshot.

There he is, Dominic Bianchi, dressed in a suit jacket and tie, smiling widely at the camera. He has sandy brown hair and a roundish head.

And… "I have his eyes," she whispers. "My eyes are his eyes, aren't they."

Olivia wraps her arms more tightly around Isla's shoulders. "DNA," she murmurs.

"Yeah," Isla says, not looking away from the picture. "We did genotypes in school."

"And your Mommy can tell you how much it matters."

It is the mention of her mothers that brings new tears to her eyes. She turns her face into Olivia's arm, and tries not to sob.

"It's okay," Olivia says gently. "It's okay. "

"Momma," Isla says thickly. "Think of all the...think of what she did - for - for me." Isla tries to take a breath, but it feels like her chest is caving in. "I should...I want to try to - I have to make it up to her."

Allie has come to kneel in front of the sofa. She puts her hands out for Isla's.

"Oh, sweet girl," she says softly. "If you needed proof that you're your mother's daughter, there it is!"

Allie kisses both of her hands. "Don't you know she's at home thinking the exact same thing? You are everything to them. You are smart, beautiful, and _good._ Never doubt that."

Isla smiles through her tears.

"I know."

…

It doesn't tear them apart. If anything, Isla's love for her mother gets bigger as she does. It morphs into a kind of ferocious pride and affection.

What she remembers about that day is that when she comes home and hugs her parents, it is possible to feel the relief rolling off of Jane, and Isla doubles her resolve to show her just how much love she has felt, and how much she wants to return.

It's almost two years later when they sit her down to discuss adopting Violet, and Isla's first reaction is to feel dismay.

"I think it's a good idea," she says, knowing that her tone conveys the opposite.

"She's nine," Jane says, as if she hasn't heard. "And she's been living at the State Home since child services took her from her family back in January. Your mom and I were just thinking that...we have the extra space, and we,"

Maura, who has been grinning conspiratorially at Isla through the beginning of this little speech, puts her arm lightly on Jane's knee.

"I don't think you heard our daughter, love," she says softly. "She agrees with us."

Isla thinks back to the day she learned the truth about her father. Her mother's nervous face was a mirror of this one now. She frowns.

"You thought I wouldn't?"

Jane shakes her head, and a wisp of gray hair falls into her face. She doesn't dye it anymore, and the faint strands of gray that show through the brown make her look wise. They make her look like someone who should not be messed with.

"No," Jane says quickly. "We just worried that you'd think...that you'd think we...wanted _another_ daughter because of something you did."

" _You_ thought that," Maura says, still smiling. "I, on the other hand, never doubted she would understand. Her heart is as big as yours."

Isla laughs, as Jane narrows her eyes. "Alright then, Dr. Smartypants. You take over the conversation if you're so sure of its direction."

"Violet's conception was similar to yours," Maura says, after a brief pause.

Isla stops smiling. "Oh," she says.

"Mmm," Maura makes a sound of agreement. "There are other reasons we think she's meant to be in our family, and we'll discuss those, but I won't pretend that this isn't a major factor."

Jane mumbles something.

"What was that?" Maura asks, raising her eyebrows.

"I think she said you _can't_ pretend, Mommy," Isla laughs as Jane's eyes go wide.

"Tattletale!" She cries, but her eyes have crinkled around the edges, giving away her smile. "We want this?" she asks, serious once more. "I didn't need to prepare a speech, or get ready to sit up with you all night?"

Her tone is teasing, but Isla knows that she would have done both of those things. She knows that her mother would have called the whole thing off, if she'd even been the slightest bit unwilling.

"You know I've wanted a sister since I was, like, six."

Maura and Jane exchange a look that Isla wonders about for a moment, but then Maura smiles at her, putting her hands on her thighs to push herself up.

"So that's settled," she says. "We're going to move forward." And then as if she can't help herself, she glances over her shoulder to smirk at her wife. "Just like I thought we would."

Jane jumps off the couch and lunges at Maura, wrapping her arms around her from the back, and pressing her face into the bend of Maura's neck.

Isla watches the way Jane checks Maura's face to make sure she's okay. She watches the way Maura's fingers tighten on Jane's arms when she goes to pull away. She steps back, closer, and she leans her head back against Jane's shoulder.

"I love you," Maura says quietly.

Isla doesn't know what makes her spill the secret just then, but it comes out of her mouth before she can stop it.

"I like boys," she says, more loudly than she wants.

Both parents turn to look at her, and it's clear that the sentence is taking a bit longer to settle than normal.

"Okay," Maura says slowly. "That's…"

"I mean," Isla cuts in. "One guy." She can feel her cheeks going red. "I just like this one guy...in History."

The silence stretches, and Isla looks down into her lap, linking her fingers. She doesn't look up when Jane sits down next to her, but she feels the couch dip.

"I'm sorry, Momma," Isla whispers, even if she's not sure what she's sorry for.

"What's...his name?" Jane asks haltingly.

Isla looks up at her mother, eyes wide. She had not been expecting this response at all. Maura has taken a seat in the armchair nearby, and though she is smiling slightly, she doesn't say anything.

"A-alex," Isla stutters. "He...um...asked me to go to Freshman Homecoming."

"And…" Jane swallows. "Do you want to go? With him?"

Isla looks at Maura, hoping to see a hint of how she should answer. She doesn't get even a glimmer. She decides, therefore, on the truth.

"Yeah," she says softly. "Kinda. Maybe? With some other friends? Maybe?"

Isla watches her mother process, trying to decipher her expression in the furrow of her brow.

"Maybe...Lex could take you to look for an outfit next week," she says finally, and though her eyebrows do not unknit themselves, her voice is not the dark and stormy thing it usually is when she's mad.

"Really?" Isla had not dared to believe it.

And Jane turns to look at her, concern tempering whatever emotion she'd previously been dealing with.

"Yes," she says. "Of course. You like him, he asked you, and you want to go. So you'll go."

"Yes," Maura from the armchair. "And if you're ten seconds beyond your curfew, you'll be grounded for seven years."

They are laughing again. And Isla leans against her mother, feeling so happy that she could burst.

Feeling like she wants to cry and laugh at the same time, and never leave the moment.

…

 _Here is her first memory._

 _She is lying in bed next to her momma, sucking her thumb. Her momma is rubbing her back, dozing, and humming softly to her._

 _Isla is supposed to nap, but she is busy tracing the skin on her mother's chest. There is a white stripe that is softer than all the other parts, and Isla likes to run her fingers along it and imagine that it's a river._

" _You sleepy, bean?" Momma asks._

 _Isla shakes her head. Mm-mm. "Mommy, why do you stripes?"_

" _I...got a boo-boo once," Her mother says. "And that's what's left over."_

 _Isla removes her thumb and looks up at her mother looking back at her. She isn't afraid, but mildly alarmed. She didn't think Mommas got boo-boos._

" _Are okay?"_

" _Yes," Momma says firmly. "I'm just fine. You don't have to worry."_

 _Isla does not stop running her hand along the soft stripe that was once an owie. She considers the new information. The widening of her world just a little bit._

" _Mommy?"_

" _Mmm?"_

" _You probably are the best brave mommy in the entire world. And the stripe is like for every person to know. Okay? To know you are that. Okay?"_

 _There is silence, and the rubbing on her back stops until she gives a little grunt of unhappiness, and the hand starts to move again._

 _She is almost asleep when her momma answers. It's so soft that she barely hears it._

 _Momma just answers in a tiny whisper._

" _Okay."_


	14. Jane

_Lex is late._

 _Jane sits on the floor in the hallway, facing the door, phone in her hand. Every once in a while, the front door blurs in Jane's vision, and she wipes angrily at her eyes. But she doesn't register that she's crying._

 _She has only one thought in her mind. Lex is late._

 _Lex went to pick up Isla from Daycare almost an hour and a half ago and she isn't back yet._

 _She hasn't called or texted, and when Jane does so, it goes straight to voicemail._

 _She'd resolved to go looking for them twenty minutes ago, and she'd been unlocking the second lock when it occurred to her that if her daughter had been taken, maybe the person who had done the taking was now simply just waiting for her._

 _And so what? she told herself. It's Isla. Your Isla. Go get her!_

 _But new fears kept her paralyzed at the front door._

 _ **You're not as strong as you once were.**_

 _ **Dominic was a**_ _ **baker**_ _ **and he got the drop on you.**_

 _ **You don't deserve her if you can't even keep her safe.**_

 _So now, she is sitting on the floor, staring at the door, and not acknowledging her tears._

 _It is thirteen more heavy, agonizing minutes until there is the quick slapping of feet against the floor of the hall outside. Jane struggles to her feet, wiping again at her eyes, and watches the locks slide back one by one._

 _Lex bursts into the front hall, stroller first, her face red and sweaty, eyes wild. It takes her a moment to focus on Jane, standing there frozen in front of her._

" _Mama!" Isla says happily, reaching up from her stroller._

" _I'm so sorry!" Lex says at the same time, pushing the stroller the last three feet so that Jane can sink to her knees and pull her daughter into her arms._

 _Unhurt. She's unhurt, and happy, and still warm in her little, pink coat._

 _For what seems like months, possibly years, Jane just holds Isla to her chest, smelling her hair and pressing their cheeks together. Lex is still talking, standing above them, gesturing wildly, ostensibly explaining what has caused her to be almost two hours late. Isla does not tire of her mother's unusual show of affection. She giggles and snuggles closer, reveling in the wonderful strangeness._

" _...and, Jesus, I'm so sorry, Jane." Lex's voice finally trickles in past the waning adrenaline, and she looks up at the girl, wringing her hand above them._

" _What happened?" She asks, and though Lex looks startled (she's most likely just finished explaining just that), she responds without hesitation._

" _Our train got stalled," she says. Between 42nd and 34th. And when I tried to text/call you there was no signal. I usually don't get it until about a stop before. I-"_

" _You were stuck on the train?" Jane asks, cutting off the rest of the explanation and, most likely, seventeen more apologies._

" _Yeah. For like an hour. There was like some sort of power outage. It affected all of the red line and a couple of trains on the blue."_

 _Jane stands, Isla still hanging on. "The train got dark!" Isla says excitedly. "Spooky!"_

" _The lights went out?" Jane asks sharply._

" _I held Isla on my lap the entire time," Lex says like she can read Jane's thoughts. We played a counting game, and I used my phone flashlight to read some of the books she has in her stroller."_

" _Yeah! Where Is My Hat!" Isla contributes. She smiles to herself, putting her head against her mother's shoulder. "Silly bear."_

 _ **You could have looked on the internet,**_ _The voice in her head mocks her._ _ **You could have figured it out if you weren't so fucking weak.**_

 _ **You're so fucking weak, Jane.**_

" _Jane-" Lex's voice has gotten quieter, and Jane wonders if her thought process has played across her face. It is possible that Lex has just realized that she was sitting on the floor in front of the door, waiting for it to open._

" _Thank you," she says, knowing she sounds both furious and like she's going to cry. "It's fine."_

 _Jane doesn't think Lex has ever heard her sound further from fine._

" _Fuck," she swears. "Jane. I'm so-"_

" _No," Jane interrupts, hoisting Isla up a bit further on her hip. It feels good to have her there. She's not sure if she's ever going to put her daughter down again. "I freaked out, but it's okay. Everything's fine. You didn't do anything wrong."_

 _Who is she trying to convince?_

 _Lex looks a little teary herself. "I...can call the daycare and tell them she won't be there on Wed-"_

" _Don't," Jane says. She shakes her head. "No, of course not, Lex. Come and get her on Wednesday like usual."_

 _Lex bites her lip, clearly trying to find a way to stay though she knows Jane doesn't want her to. Jane wants to be alone with her daughter. She wants to make funny faces at her until she laughs, and watch Bob the Builder on the couch and eat peanut butter sandwiches and shut all of the curtains._

 _She wants to watch her daughter sleep and do push-ups until it feels as though her limbs will never work again._

" _Lex, it's okay," she says, using her last bit of effort to portray herself as genuine. "It's okay. I'll see you on Wednesday. I'm fine. Okay?"_

 _This attempt seems to do the trick, and Lex turns back toward the door, waving good-bye to Isla before pulling the door shut behind her._

 _Jane locks all of the locks behind her, and double checks each one. Then she just stands there, looking at the door, until Isla squirms, bored._

 _Jane wonders how many pull-ups she is capable of completing without needing a rest._

…

The train ride to Boston when Isla was three and a half had seemed endless. Jane can remember sitting on the left side of the train, watching the Hudson River as it rolled by, tiny little whitecaps being tossed about by the wind.

Now, five years later, it seems to go too fast. Across from her, Isla is asleep with her head against the window, mouth slightly open. Next to her, Maura is pretending to read, her hand on Jane's knee.

Or maybe she really is reading. Maura has gotten very good at paying attention without letting on that she is paying attention. Jane has been working hard at letting herself feel comforted by this, and nothing else.

"I don't understand why it's necessary to stop at every single house in Connecticut," Jane says darkly, although she's not looking for a fight as much as she wants Maura to engage with her.

Maura smiles without looking up. "Transportation in Connecticut is fundamentally lacking," she says. There are less collective meeting places, therefore the stations are more frequent."

Jane huffs. "Is that really true?"

"Yes." Maura does look up now, smiling fondly at Isla's sleeping face. "She falls asleep each time. There's something about the movement that soothes her."

"I wish it would soothe me," Jane mutters.

Maura takes her hand. "I can do the closing without you," she says gently. "There's no need for you to be there."

Jane shakes her head. "It's been too long," she says. "I've been saying I'd come back for years."

Maura doesn't dispute this, but she brings Jane's hand to her lips for a quick kiss and then looks back down at her book.

"I know you're not doing this entirely for me," she says casually, "but if there is a part of you, at any moment, that wants to turn back, please don't stop yourself."

Jane smiles at the scenery sliding by the window. She squeezes Maura's hand but doesn't answer. It's been almost two years since Maura moved to New York permanently and just over nine months since she stopped leasing her own apartment a couple of blocks away. When Jane had proposed coming with her to close on the sale of Maura's Cambridge house, Maura worried it was too much too soon.

But Jane was determined. She is determined. Isla enters the 3rd grade in the fall, and each year brings new social challenges and expectations. It is not fair to make her daughter confront them without her. And Maura is strong and steady enough for both of them, there is no denying that, but Jane knows that the doctor deserves an _entire_ partner the same way her daughter deserves all of her mothers.

So she is going back to Boston for only the second time in eight years. She is determined not to show fear, weakness, or any sign of cracking at all. Boston's Jane is hard and unbreakable.

She can be Boston's Jane for 48 hours, right?

"Jane." Maura's voice is soft. The doctor's lips pressed lightly against her shoulder. "Nothing you are now is less than it was before. I hope you know that."

She _wasn't_ reading, then.

Jane lets her own head rest on top of Maura's. She looks over at Isla, still sleeping.

"I want her to know that her mothers are brave," she says softly. "I want her to know that there's nothing in the entire world I wouldn't-"

"She knows that, Jane," Maura says.

"I want _you_ to know it too," Jane says, and when she pulls away to look at the other woman, she can see that her comment has been a surprise.

"I-"

"Remember the first night?"

Maura smiles reflexively. "Vividly," she says with a chuckle.

Jane feels her cheeks get a little warm, but she rolls her eyes and pushes on."In the hallway," she says, "on the stairs, I told you I wanted to taste you. Remember? I told you I dreamt of being with you in every way possible."

Jane watches Maura's eyes dart toward Isla before she runs her finger along the collar of Jane's shirt.

"I remember," she says quietly. "We didn't make it upstairs."

"Right," Jane says, nodding. "That's what I'm talking about. I lifted you up on to the railing on the first landing. I had you right there."

Maura shifts a little in her seat, biting her lip slightly. "I'm not sure what you're trying to do," she says, smiling shyly.

Jane laughs, catching Maura's hand as it traces just underneath her shirt collar. "Do you remember how it felt?" she asks, hurrying on when Maura opens her mouth to answer. "Not that, Dr. Dirtymind. The railing. Do you remember how it felt to up there on the railing, knowing that if I let you go, you'd fall backward about ten feet to the uneven ground?"

Maura's expression clears, and Jane watches her focus a little.

"What I remember," Jane says, "above almost everything else, was that you didn't hesitate. You just, let me lift you up. You...you didn't say it was dangerous or tell me to wait a little longer. You just put your hands on my shoulders and...let yourself be picked up."

Maura's expression has softened from arousal into affection. "You think you are not still the person I trust most in the world?"

Jane shakes her head. "You turned your world upside down for me."

Maura laughs a genuine, beautiful thing that is loud enough to make Isla stir in the seat across from them.

"My world was upside down _without_ you, love," she says, turning to smile at Isla. "Without both of you."

"Are we in Boston yet?" Isla asks, looking out the window. "What was funny?"

"Your mama," Maura says. "And we're just about there. We just came out of Connecticut."

Isla rolls her eyes, looking just like Jane.

"Connecticut takes _forever_ ," she says.

…

…

 _She charts the days by Isla's baths. By how many times she asks if Lex is coming soon. By how low of a supply of pull-ups and Pedialyte is in the cabinet._

 _Isla delights in lying on her back while she goes up and down._

 _She tracks the days by how many push-ups she can do without her muscles giving out. After a while she can do enough that Isla falls asleep, splayed across her back like a princess across the saddle of a horse._

 _They are low on supplies and she doesn't go out. She doesn't call Lex._

 _She isn't strong enough yet._

 _Her phone is off. It sits on the dresser in her bedroom like a silent, threatening monster. She knows that if she turns it on, it will swallow her whole with its neediness._

 _They run out of milk, and then they run out of juice, and her beautiful little girl does not complain. She takes water without complaint and climbs onto the couch to watch Backyardigans with her stuffed snowman, and everything they need in the entire world is right here in these four rooms._

 _She doesn't eat._

 _The world narrows in on her bit by bit. She knows logically that she is starving herself._

 _She does not yet deserve food. She is not strong enough yet to protect them both, and so she will only protect Isla._

 _Isla is the only thing that matters._

 _They run out of bread and pasta. The rice is low, and Isla grumbles about stale crackers and wonders aloud where the apples are._

" _Lex comin?" she asks from her mother's back._

 _Jane can do push-ups now for over an hour. The definition of her biceps doesn't disappear even in relaxation. This is good. This is progress._

 _When he comes, she'll be ready._

" _Maybe tomorrow," she says._

 _Not tomorrow. This is the first lie she is conscious of telling her child. In her memory, Isla was not only late, not simply held for a bit of time on a stalled train._

 _In Jane's mind, Dominic was calling for her, coming for her. He was following her, and Jane was paralyzed by weakness and fear._

 _Until she knows - truly_ _knows_ _\- that she will act...Isla will not leave her sight again._

 _She doesn't know how many days have gone by when Lex shows up in her kitchen. The rice is gone, the peanut butter has less than a day._

 _Lex stares at her, wide eyed, with a look that Jane recognizes vaguely as horror._

" _Jane," she says, but then words seems to fail her. "fuck," she says under her breath._

 _Jane thinks she can feel all of the muscles in her stomach._

" _I won't let him take her," she hears herself say. "He can't have her."_

 _Lex is holding a bag full of groceries, a fluffy bear head pokes out the side._

 _Jane frowns at it. "He...raped me," she says._

 _Lex flinches. "Jesus," she says. "Where's Isla?"_

 _Sleeping. Jane clenches her fists. "Every day. Every night. He made me tell him it felt good. He told me we were going to have a son. He said-"_

" _Jane! Where is Isla?"_

 _Jane steps backward. She blinks, trying to focus. "She's here with me, and she's safe."_

" _Isla?" Lex yells. "Isla! Where are you?"_

 _from the couch where Jane left Isla sleeping, her drowsy little voice comes._

" _Lexi?"_

 _And Lex is crying. Dropping the grocery bags and crying. She skirts Jane like she's a wild animal and runs to the couch, scooping Isla into her arms and crying into her hair._

" _Lex sad?" Isla asks, sounding confused. "Lex upset?"_

" _It's okay," Lex says thickly. "I just thought...I'm okay. We're okay. Jesus. It's okay."_

 _Jane sits where she is. Her legs all of a sudden, will not hold her._

 _Fucking weak._

…

Frost is there to meet them as they get off the train, and when he sees Jane with them, his face mouth falls open in shock.

Jane snorts, and Isla runs to hug him, giggling.

"You look like a fish, Uncle Frost!" she says, half hesitating to see if he's game, before embracing him in a hug that looks a little painful.

"I was not expecting this!" he says, clearly still recovering. "Hey, Jane. It is...good to see you...here."

Jane thinks she knows what his issue is. She can feel it too. "And weird, right?"

"Super weird." he pauses for a second and then holds out his hand for a shake. His grin widens when she takes it.

"Super good, too," he continues. "It's great to see you. You look good. The new job is going okay?"

"I feel pretty good," she says honestly. "Yeah, it's...it's really good, actually."

Not long after Maura began her work as Medical Examiner for the precinct on 33rd St, Olivia had reached out to Jane to offer her a position in Cold Cases. It isn't directly in the action (Jane doesn't think she could handle it now,)but it's close to it, and changing and even rewarding at times.

She is a detective again. A two-week-old rookie with a paycheck that does not feel like anything but hard work.

"You get hazed?" Frost asks as they head out to his car.

Jane laughs. "Not like we hazed you, Frost."

It is easy there, with him, for the moment. The air outside of the station smells distinctly different than New York City air. It takes Jane a second to realize that she has categorized it as foreign, as a smell that is _not_ one that signifies home. But the realization does not come with any secondary spasm of terror. How can it, when Maura takes Jane's hand just before she gets into the front seat of Frost's car, squeezing briefly.

"I…" Frost glances at Jane as she and Isla settle into the back seat. "I am pretty sure that Frankie and Angela are going to be there."

Jane sees Maura's hands still in her lap. "Why?"

"You know she'll take any chance at all to see her favorite grandbaby."

"I'm the only grandbaby!" Isla pipes up.

"Still," Frost says with a fleeting smile. "I…" another glance at Jane. "Just wanted to give you a heads up."

Jane knows that if she asks him, Frost will drop her off anywhere she wants in order to avoid the double stress test that is her old home and her possibly overbearing mother.

"Thanks," Jane says, grinning as Isla bounces in the seat next to her.

"Nona's gonna be so excited to see us, isn't she mama."

Jane grins at her daughter. "You better believe it."


	15. Allie

Allie sits down next to Maura, pulling up one of her legs to tuck underneath herself.

"Jane sits like that," Maura says affectionately. Allie likes the way talking about Jane opens up the doctor's expression. Three nights ago, they'd all gathered together to celebrate the news of the move, and watching Maura with Jane and Isla was one of the most beautiful things that Allie has ever seen.

"She tucks her foot up under herself just like that. I wonder if she learned it from you. She never did it before she moved here."

Allie smiles back, but she knows it isn't completely sincere.

"So you're moving," she says. "You're going to take the ME job?"

Maura nods, and her eyes crinkle as she frowns slightly. "I've found an apartment. A five minute walk." She pauses, and when Allie doesn't comment, she offers, "we talked about it at length. Jane didn't express any discomfort-"

"No," Allie cuts her off gently, seeing Maura's frown deepen. "No, that's not..."

She pauses and looks at nothing for a long time, trying to gather her thoughts. She can practically feel Maura holding herself still, can feel the prompt that the doctor holds back.

"I have to tell you about her break down," Allie says finally. "Jane wants me to tell you how I-she...wants me to tell you how I found her."

Maura knows the time she is talking about. Allie has heard Jane talk around it several times. Her always mouth goes into a hard, thin line, as though the memory still shames her and she has trouble admitting it. As though she still sees it as her failing and not a natural part of her healing.

"You don't have to-" Maura begins, though she looks as though she doesn't really mean this. She wants to know.

Allie doesn't blame her.

"I think I do," Allie responds, still looking at her hands, interlaced in her lap. "I think - I mean - I agree with Jane that you should know. And I understand that a lot of it is hard for her to remember."

Maura puts her hand tentatively on Allie's knee. The gesture makes her throat close up with emotion.

It was frightening and life-changing, and it's still hard for Allie to talk about. She wants to tell Maura how interesting she thinks it is that humans with trauma group together. Like the bits that make up a tumbleweed.

What made Jane choose that clinic to walk into? What made her choose that place specifically when Allie knows there were at least two others equidistant away.

And if they were going to talk about fate, why not start with Allison? With grieving Henry, and the way their wounds healed into each other almost like a love story.

"She was so sharp," she tells Maura, inwardly cursing her shaky voice. "She was so, so thin. And so-"

Maura takes her hand, and Allie smiles. She has watched Maura get better at reading little cues like this, watched as she studied those around her like she studied those in her morgue.

"She was dressed in running shorts and a tank top, and the muscles of her shoulders and calves were... They were the first thing I noticed. The deep hollows in her cheeks and this red, raw spot on her lip where she'd been worrying it between her teeth."

Allie takes a breath, steadying herself.

" _Come here," she says quietly to Jane. She holds out her arms._

 _Jane steps back, looking wary. "I'm not strong enough," she says roughly. "Allie, I'll never be strong enough."_

 _In the living room, a theme song to a familiar children's song starts to play, and Allie hears Isla giggle._

" _Can we build it?" That voice is Lex. Allie can't help but breathe a sigh of relief._

" _Yes, we can!" Isla calls back happily._

" _Listen," Allie says, seizing on the thing that has always bound this woman to reality. "Listen to your little girl laugh," she says. "She's so happy! How could you possibly be any stronger?"_

 _Jane shakes her head. "I can't go out," she says, voice cracking. "He...hurt me a lot, Al. He... I think he broke me for good."_

 _And this time when Allie holds out her hands, Jane nods and allows herself to be embraced. She feels even worse than she looks, and Allie has to swallow several times in order to speak as calmly as she wants to._

" _Let's shower," she says softly. "Things will look better after a hot shower and some food."_

 _._

 _She has pushed her body nearly to its breaking point, and the sight horrifies Allie. She is aware of holding Jane around her waist at one point and trying to move her brain beyond that one word. Horror. Horror. Horror. She makes Jane shower while she sits just outside the bathroom and wonders if she should have removed the razors; if Jane is desperate or dissociated or decisive enough to drink any of the dozen chemicals that are under the sink._

 _But she appears seven minutes later with wet hair and red eyes, and she lets Allie put her arms around her shoulders. She kisses underneath her ear, and Jane sighs. She leans closer._

" _Can...you do that again?"_

 _Allie does without hesitation._

" _Where's Isla?"_

" _In the living room with Lex," Allie says. She omits how shaken Lex had sounded when she'd recounted what she'd seen._

 _She leaves out that Lex had thought Isla was dead._

" _Can...we lie down, Allie?"_

" _Of course we can."_

….

"She texted me, from Boston. That first time she went." Allie looks down into her lap. "She was so nervous about seeing you. _I_ was so nervous about her seeing you."

 **She's in love with my old partner. It's...good. It's hard.**

And then.

 **Oh my God, Allie.  
Oh my god. **

"I didn't know what I'd find when she got off the train. A woman who couldn't stop laughing or who couldn't stop crying. And I couldn't stop thinking about the way she looked. About getting her out of the shower. I…"

Allie shakes her head.

"When she kissed me, she said, "I shouldn't do this,' and I told her, 'darling, after what's happened to you there is nothing you shouldn't do."

"You called her darling."

"Yes," Allie says softly. "I think that's why she looked so disappointed when she pulled away.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this, why I think it matters. I just...It feels so important. You're going to move in. And...God, she's wanted and missed you for so long."

"You washed her. You dressed her."

"Slept next to her for two weeks."

"She asked you to?"

"No. I think she was beyond thought. So close to starving...It can take a body so long to- God, why am I telling you, you know."

"I don't think I could have seen her like that."

"I'm not sure I will ever, truly, see her any other way."

"Is...this a confession?" Maura's eyes are wide and earnest, maybe a tiny bit frightened. Allie smiles gently.

"Not my own. Hers, perhaps. If there's a part of you that doesn't want her after this, after what I've-"

"Doesn't want her!"

"You know how she thinks."

"What a silly, stupid woman."

" _Your_ silly, stupid woman?"

"Yes. Mine."

They sit in silence for a long time, still holding hands. Allie can see Maura sifting through a lot of possible questions, sees as she settles on one.

"What did Henry think?" she asks.

Allie raises her eyebrows. "Hmm?"

"What did Henry think? You...with her." She is trying to frame it carefully but it comes out half-formed instead.

Allie laughs at the doctor's deep blush.

"He was...worried," Allie admits. "He knew it wasn't sexual, not love, but I think he worried that I'd get...that it would affect me badly. More than it was already."

Maura nods, though it's clear she doesn't really understand.

"I lost a child. We did, I should say. Our daughter died when she was seven. About a year before Jane arrived at Henry's clinic."

"Oh, _Allie_ ," Maura breathes, "I-"

Allie cuts her off, shaking her head. "Don't. Please. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it, and I'm not entirely sure I want to start."

"I understand," Maura says quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

They sit in silence for a long moment, until Allie is sure she can speak without her voice catching.

"I...a little more. Okay?"

She waits until Maura nods.

...

 _Almost a week of stasis before Jane starts to slide again. Allie had tricked herself into believing that the upswing was permanent. She'd been busy planning therapy sessions. Thinking about how to approach leaving the apartment._

 _But she wakes up one morning at 4:30 and finds Jane in the kitchen by the stove, staring at her hands._

" _Jane."_

" _You know, Maura and I worked together for like three months before Hoyt got me? I was too chicken shit to ask her out. She used to go out on dates with these guys and I would sit at home and imagine how if something happened to her, it would me on me. My fault for not telling her how I felt...feel."_

" _Jane-"_

" _She would have gone out with me if I'd asked. I was just...scared. I've always been such a fucking coward."_

 _Allie approaches her slowly, making sure Jane sees her approach. Regular food and rest have turned Jane a little deadly._

" _What if something happened to her?" Jane asks the stove. "I promised I'd always be there to protect her and then I just walked away._

" _You didn't walk away," Allie says immediately._

 _She'd told Henry recently that being with Jane made her heart feel cracked and dry, like skin gone too long without moisturizer. That's how it feels now, watching Jane struggle not to cry._

" _You're right," Jane says, not looking up. "I didn't walk away. I ran."_

 _Last night, hours ago really, Jane had made Allie come. The sleeping together, the occasional kissing, the way Jane touched her stomach and shoulders like she was beautiful and delicate, it had been too overwhelming._

 _Though she'd told herself in the moment that Jane hadn't realized, it seems foolish, now, to have thought so._

" _Listen," Allie says. "I'm sorry. I-"_

" _No," Jane cuts her off. "There's nothing to apologize for."_

" _Yes, there is," Allie says, talking around it, afraid to name it outright. "I didn't say anything because I thought-"_

" _I know," Jane says softly. "Relax Allie. I...wanted you to. I wanted to see it."_

 _Allie stares at Jane's back, trying to decide how to respond. Maybe this isn't a slide after all._

" _You…what?"_

" _I wanted to see it," Jane repeats. "It...feels nice to know that I'm still a person."_

 _A long, long pause._

" _I feel like a person, when I'm around you."_

 _They are going to go out tomorrow. Allie will not let Jane stay inside for another day. And she will call some of the therapists that she and Henry have researched._

 _Allie thinks of the healing that still has to happen. Thinks of Jane's pain like a broken bone that was set incorrectly and had to be rebroken in order to be set correctly._

 _It is her job now, putting this woman back together._

" _I love you, Jane," Allie says softly. She steps forward and puts her chin on the brunette's shoulder. "You have always been a person to me."_

 _Jane is tense under her touch, but not uncomfortable. Allie can feel her exhale._

" _I know." she says. "Me too."_

…

"We called you," Allie says. "I doubt you remember. I called you the next day and pretended to be a sales call for some kind of medical equipment."

"You…" Maura's eyes are wide. "Called me?"

"Jane wouldn't - couldn't - go out until she knew something hadn't happened to you, but she sat for almost an hour trying to call you. Finally I said I would."

"I…" Allie can see Maura straining her memory to remember. "I don't think-"

"You were very polite. You gave me the name of several people who might be more interested than you. I couldn't imagine how you dealt with robocalls when we all had landlines."

Maura smiles absently, but it's clear that her failure to remember is bothering her.

"Jane heard my voice?"

"Yes," Allie says. "She heard your voice, and then she went outside for the first time in eleven days."

Maura is silent, and Allie can practically _hear_ her brain working.

"She has never been able to understand her own bravery."

Allie laughs. "You're right," she agrees. "Not without you."

Maura presses a finger to the corner of her eyes. "Has Jane shown you the pictures of the apartment?"

It is over. Allie can feel the relief of the ending, the lifting of stress that comes when there is nothing left to share.

"She's described it. I haven't seen the pictures yet."

"Maybe once I'm settled, you and Henry can come for dinner. Jane was always organizing dinners and get togethers. She always seemed to know how to gather everyone together."

Maura doesn't say it, but Allie thinks she means to take that job on now.

"We would love that," she says. "Maybe Olivia Benson would like to come as well. I know that she checks up on Jane every once in a while."

Maura nods. She has a sort of determined, affectionate look on her face as she reaches for her phone.

"Yes," she says, decided. "A good, Sunday night dinner next week. I'll call her now."


	16. The End: Homecoming

Maura is impatient for the happy ever after.

She thinks each step will be the final one they have to take; will be the one that solidifies their "happy."

But it seems that each hurdle that they clear only reveals more steps. It shines more light on another level they have to struggle through, like in the video games that her mother never allowed her to play.

Maura believes that she has made her peace with the woman that Jane is now. She believes that what they have is better, is greater. It includes Isla, and therefore it cannot be bad.

She is not frustrated with her job.

She does not miss Boston, does not miss talking about it. She does not mind sharing the center of her universe with another person.

With several other people.

She doesn't mind. She doesn't miss.

She is glad and thankful and just as strong as the other women in her life, and she does not hurt.

And then, all of a sudden, she does.

.

It is Constance who causes this change. She visits them in New York, an intense, appraising, designer-clad presence, who nods at Jane and accepts Isla's tentative hug.

"That's my other grandmother?" Isla asks Jane. They are together in the kitchen getting the pasta ready for the table, and Maura hesitates, wanting to hear the full conversation.

"Yes," Jane says.

"She's beautiful," Isla says, and Maura feels a mixture of pride and trepidation that melts entirely into pride with her daughter's next words.

"I love her," Isla says earnestly.

"She's gonna love you too, chick," Jane says affectionately. "Take this to the table."

.

But Constance states at her over breakfast the next morning and says, "you're losing yourself to that woman.

Maura doesn't have to ask what this means.

"I love her," she says quietly.

"That is no excuse," Constance says. "And it's of no use to anyone if you're no longer living."

Maura looks up ready to argue, but Constance waves her away.

"I mean thriving," she says, as though this should be obvious.

"My job," Maura begins, but again Constance interrupts her.

"Don't be dense," she snaps. "I didn't raise you to be stupid. Or to throw away something like what you have."

Maura just gapes.

Constance sighs again and for a moment the silence is heavy over both of them.

"Your father was a damaged man," she says finally.

"Daddy?"

Constance nods, not looking up from her food for a moment. "You didn't see him much growing up, and...I'm sure you resented him for that but," she pauses again. "It was largely my doing."

Maura can only continue to stare at her mother. She feels like she's on uneven ground, that it could cave underneath her at any moment. She cannot remember the last time she and her mother spoke intimately about _anything_ , let alone Constance's relationship with her husband.

"I loved him," Constance says, "before he went to war, and after, though he came back...changed."

"Jane...isn't damaged," Maura hears herself say.

Constance doesn't answer this, though she levels her inscrutable gaze at her daughter for a long moment.

"I sacrificed several things in my attempt to stay with him," she continues, "the most important thing being a relationship with you."

Maura flinches, despite herself. "I...didn't feel sacrificed," she says. "Not exactly."

Constance studies her. "Perhaps I've perfectly prepared you for this life, then," she says quietly. "Maybe you will be lost no matter what I do now."

"Mother-"

"Maura. If you love her, you will demand that she love you back in the way that you deserve. For you, for that little girl, for _Jane_."

Constance takes a deep breath. "I hated your father," she says, "at the end."

The confession looks hard for her, despite the decade that has passed since his death.

"I _hated_ him," she repeats. "And I don't want that for you."

Maura bursts into tears.

.

And so there are not just a couple of steps left to their happy ever after, but an entire winding staircase.

They set ground rules and then break them immediately. "Don't go to bed angry," barely lasts the full week after therapy. They get about two hours of sleep in forty-eight hours and end up laughing hysterically over one of Maura's autopsies.

But "don't fight on an empty stomach" does stick, as does "Walk away, but don't walk out."

They've spent so much time 'not really fighting' that the eruptions feel good. They feel cathartic and honest and like digging in, instead of giving up.

They see Dr. Royer as their couples counselor until Jane yells that it feels like Maura is stealing her, spitting toothpaste in her haste to release the build-up of anger.

Maura yells back that the therapist is biased. That she never sees Maura's side because her years with Jane have softened her.

 _And who wouldn't love you after watching you come back from all of that, Jane? Sometimes I'm weak with the affection of it all. But that means she doesn't_ _listen_ _to me._

So they get a new therapist. And then another when they both agree that this one is sexist and possibly homophobic.

It feels good to slide into bed next to Jane that night. She doesn't resent their daughter when she slides in between them hours later, shoving Olaf into the space between Maura's head and the headboard, mumbling sleepily about alien invasions.

They fight and they make-up, and they compromise and they fuck like teenagers who have just met.

Other times they hold hands and order take out, and they tuck their daughter in together, and they make love until one of them is crying.

Maura stops looking for the moment when she can say that everything that went so wrong is now righted.

She has come to see that that is a moment that has never, and will never, exist.

…

 _Sometimes, Maura wonders what their lives would have been without Dominic's interference. Not without Isla. She can't even begin to consider a world without her, but a life in which the depth of Jane's trauma was something to overcome rather than manage._

 _They could have overcome Hoyt. They could have overcome Angela's disapproval and the stares and whispers at the precinct. They_ _were_ _overcoming when Dominic struck._

" _What do you remember about that day?" Jane asks her one night._

 _They are currently managing the trauma by sleeping in a different bed than the one in which they've been intimate. What is growing between them now, in the separate space, is not something Maura is sure she has a name for. She hopes that one day it will make it into their sex._

 _She knows what day Jane means immediately. The day she went missing._

 _Day One._

 _She thinks, trying to pull apart the panic that came later, and the despair, sharp like an icicle, at the moment she understood what had happened._

" _I remember it was windy," she says finally. She can feel Jane near her, although the darkness has fully obscured her face. "I remember, that morning, you told me to wear my hair up because it was windy. I didn't. And looking at that van, I remember having to push it out of my face repeatedly."_

" _I think I said you'd contaminate the crime scene," Jane murmurs. Her breath washes over Maura's collarbone, closer than she'd anticipated._

" _Yes," Maura smiles. "I wouldn't put it up, and you said-"_

" _When our body has one honey blonde hair. When you test it and find it's been treated with Pantene Pro-V, sunshade action conditioner, with lock-in bounce protection..."_

 _Maura laughs. "I can't believe you remember all of that. Those aren't even real things a conditioner can do."_

 _Jane chuckles. "When you're implicated, doctor," she continues lightly. "Don't come crying to me."_

 _Maura slips an arm around Jane's waist. "I remember that it was windy," she whispers. "And you were gone. And I was confused."_

 _Jane threads her hands through Maura's hair. Her sigh sounds like relief._

" _You put too much perfume on that morning," she says like she knows Maura was wondering if she should return the question. "You put too much on because I was rushing you, and your hand slipped. Or you forgot you put some on and did it twice. You scolded me in that way you have. Kinda makes me want to do whatever it was again."_

 _Maura squeezes Jane briefly. I love you, and I'm listening, and please don't stop talking._

" _We kissed at the turnstile, right before you went to the morgue, and I thought….I'll be smelling her for the next month, at least."_

 _Jane pauses, and Maura knows what's coming before the words leave Jane's mouth._

" _And I did."_

…

Violet Williams is nine and angry when she arrives on Jane and Maura's doorstep on a freezing day in March. It is her third home in eight months, yet she travels with only a backpack and the clothes she is wearing.

Isla is thirteen and beloved.

It is inevitable that problems will arise.

"You are not her mother," they tell Isla repeatedly. "You are not responsible for her wellbeing, emotional or otherwise."

Violet will not ever leave them, she will never be sent away, but neither woman can quite square this promise with the fact that Isla remains a priority.

"Do you remember my first trip to Boston?"

Jane and Maura are standing in the kitchen watching Isla try to interest Violet in the array of books fanned out on the dining room table. The question catches Maura off guard.

"Yes?" she asks it like a question.

"We went to the closing, and my Ma was there, and she seemed to think that me being in Boston meant that she could treat me just how she had when I'd lived there."

"Yes," Maura says. Irritation prickles her hairline at the memory. She is about to comment on the stern conversation that she and Angela had at the end of that trip, but Jane speaks again before she can.

"Isla kept stepping in between us," Jane says. Her eyes don't leave the scene in the dining room. "She kept moving so that she was in between me and Ma, and at first I thought she was just there by happenstance, you know? But then I realized that she was doing it on purpose. She was protecting me."

Maura searches Jane's face for some idea of her feelings surrounding this memory.

"She loves you," is what she finally settles on. "She would do that for either of us."

Jane's smile is a little absent. "Yeah. I know...and since she learned about - about Dominic, she's been so great, and so…"

"Isla," Maura supplies.

"Yeah," Jane says.

In the dining room, Violet's hands come out and snatch a book off of the table.

"This is mine," she says.

"Okay," Isla says. "I read that one once and it's really-"

"No!" Violet says, her voice rising slightly. "It's _mine_."

Two nights ago they discovered three days of leftovers in the back of her closet, wrapped with aluminum foil and numbered in the tiny, wobbly hand of an undereducated nine-year-old.

Maura had purchased several Tupperware containers and a small mini-fridge. Violet had spent the evening putting her name on all of it with a brand new sharpie.

Jane pushes off from the counter and moves into the dining room.

"You don't have to raise your voice, hon," she says to Violet. "No one's trying to take the book from you. You can keep it in your room if you want."

Violet slides down off of the chair and heads for her room. She stops in the hallway, half out of view, and turns back to the three of them.

"Sorry," she murmurs.

And then she vanishes.

The door to her room clicks closed quietly.

Maura puts her arms around Isla's shoulder. "Your mother and I are immensely proud of you. Have we said that today?"

"Only like seventy times since breakfast," Isla says, not even pretending to be grumpy. "She said sorry."

"Yeah," Jane takes Violet's vacated seat. "Baby steps."

Isla's smile fades. "I don't think she likes me."

Jane shakes her head. "I doubt she likes _anyone_ , tiny. No one's really shown her how."

"I mean…" Isla pauses. "I think maybe she resents me. Since…" Isla bites the inside of her cheek and doesn't go on.

She doesn't _have_ to continue. They all know what she's saying.

Jane leans forward, elbows on the table. "Hey. Her upbringing is not yours to fix. It's not any of ours to fix, okay? All we can do is love her."

Isla makes a face that Maura is unable to read. "I'm going to do more than that," she says resolutely. She sees Jane open her mouth to protest, and she shakes her head, smiling.

"I'm not overstretching, Mama," she says. "I'm just gonna do more than that. Just like you did."

And then she gets up and heads in the direction of her own room.

"But first I'm gonna call Gio, okay?"

"Gio?" Maura calls. "What happened to Xavier?"

"He told me I should wear more skirts," is the reply. "So...y'know...that's done."

Jane watches her daughter go in silence, and when she turns back to Maura she is wearing an expression that says, quite clearly, _did we raise that? Or is it a miracle."_

Maura leans across the table to kiss her. She can do things like that now without a second thought.

"A little of both," she says out loud.

"A little of both."

….

 _Olivia sets a box down on the shelf just inside the door and wipes her forehead with her sleeve._

" _Remind me," she pants, "that next time my doctor friend asks for help moving, that I am sick."_

 _Maura laughs._

" _You are a lieutenant!" Jane's voice calls from the adjacent room. "Don't you have to pass fitness tests?"_

" _The next time a fitness test requires lugging the entire medical history of the world up four flights of stairs, I've got it nailed," Olivia says darkly._

 _Jane appears in the doorway, sweaty in her tank top and running shorts, Isla on her back._

" _Moving day!" she calls from her perch. "Hello, Mommy!"_

" _Hello my love," Maura calls. "How was school."_

" _The best," Isla slides down to the ground. "I told everyone how we're moving in all together, and they were all happy."_

" _We called Allie and Henry on the walk home," Jane says to Liv. "They said they'd come help."_

" _Thank God."_

 _Jane rolls her eyes. "What a baby!"_

 _Isla giggles._

 _Maura feels like she might cry._

" _Okay, bug," Jane says. "What did I say you had to do the moment we stepped inside the door?"_

" _Arrange my room!" Isla squeals. She takes off down the hallway._

 _Jane follows her with a chuckle, but she stops long enough to kiss Maura shyly on the cheek._

" _Welcome home," she murmurs as she pulls away._

 _Maura puts her hand to her cheek as Jane walks away, mostly to catch the tear that's there, but also to try and press the impression of the kiss into her skin._

 _Next to her, Olivia makes a knowing sound._

" _I don't...know how all of this happened," Maura says, more to herself than to Olivia. "I feel like I've dreamt this so many times that this...can't possibly be real."_

 _She is talking about all of it. The friendships she's forged here, and the job she loves a little more every day._

 _The three bedroom apartment that she shares with her family._

 _Maura looks around to see Olivia grinning at her. "You deserve all of this," she says, turning back towards the front door._

" _Well," she pretends to reconsider. "Maybe not the last three boxes of books."_

 _And Maura laughs wetly and moves to follow her. "I'll carry some," she says._

 _Olivia raises an eyebrow. "Dressed like that?" she asks._

 _Maura rolls her eyes. "What is with the two of you?" she chides. "These_ _are_ _my work clothes."_

…

They move for what Maura thinks will be the final time three days after Violet's eleventh birthday. They follow a UHaul across the Brooklyn Bridge and down into Carroll Gardens where their new brownstone sits waiting for them.

Maura's been promoted and Jane has started working for herself, and the girls fought constantly over the bathroom and the study, and so this move felt both right and overdue.

"Hey, guys," Jane says into the silence, looking over her shoulder at Isla and Violet in the backseat. "I want to talk to you."

Both girls pull their earbuds out of their ears simultaneously. "Huh?"

Jane sighs. "Kill the music for a minute," she says. "We want to talk to you guys about something."

Maura glances in the rearview mirror in time to see terror flash across Violet's face. She makes a mental note to talk to Jane about her choice of words.

"I was listening to a Podcast," Violet says. She's not really arguing, but she still doesn't like for anyone to ascribe anything to her that isn't the truth.

"Okay," Jane says. "That's fine."

"What's up," Isla asks. She's taken out her other earbud, but she's still looking at her phone. Maura thinks about the school drama her daughter had spent hours detailing last night at dinner. She's still not sure who any of the main players had been, and she knows that she'd made "hmm" noises when she was supposed to say "oh!"

"Isla," she calls now, "look at your mom."

Isla does with only the smallest sigh.

"So…" Jane pauses, working herself up to the announcement she and Maura had decided upon last night. "Mom and I are going to get married."

For a moment, both kids just stare at her like she has two heads. Then Isla lets her head fall back against the seat, a great puff of air escaping her lungs.

"That's the announcement?" she asks incredulously.

"Yeah," Jane says. "We were thinking about this Summer. Nothing fancy, just the regular crew."

Violet is frowning deeply, looking between them all. "You're not married?" she asks finally.

Maura feels her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "No," she answers before Jane can. "We're not. I thought you knew that?"

Violet is quiet for a moment. "I guess I assumed," she says finally. "Since we all live together."

Jane smiles faintly. "Your mom has proposed like, 1,000 times," she tells Violet. "But I was too chicken up until now."

"My sperm donor pretended they were married," Isla says to Violet under her breath.

Jane's breath only catches a tiny bit.

"Right," she says. "So...what do you two think."

Isla begins putting her earbuds back into her ears. "I think it's lame that you made me pause Troye Sivan for that non-announcement," she says. "I will be Mommy's maid of honor, of course, so don't interrupt me again to ask, okay?" she nudges Violet with an elbow.

"Tell Mom you'll be her maid of honor or she'll make you pause Marc Maron."

Violet looks a little taken aback. "Me?"

Jane grins. "Yeah you," she says. "If you want."

Violet puts her earbuds back in and turns on her podcast before answering.

"Yes. I do."

Jane spins back around in her seat, grinning at Maura. "Well," she says. "How anticlimactic."

"I told you it would be," Maura reasons. "And why should it be big news. What can a piece of paper tell us about our family that we don't already know?"

"Then why do it?" Jane asks. "If it doesn't mean anything.

Maura shakes her head. "I didn't say it won't mean anything. I said it won't _change_ anything. I want to marry you because I want to profess my love for you in a ceremony in front of our friends and family."

Jane chuckles. "And you want the honeymoon."

Maura smiles. "I am not against you in a bikini. You're correct."

Jane takes her hand over the gearshift.

They are moving into a house that is bigger. It has a bathroom for each child ("the indulgence" Liv had joked), and a guest room where Allie, heavily pregnant and less inclined to ride the subway at night, can stay over when she came to visit.

It has a tiny yard for the tiny dog that Maura heard Jane promise the kids some evenings when she did good night rounds. It has a full dining room for the Sunday night dinners that sometimes bring the Rizzolis all the way in from Boston.

What it doesn't have is the hole in the wall that Violet made with her shoe during her last major tantrum. It doesn't have the kitchen windowpane that rattled during thunderstorms or the fire escape where the upstairs neighbor's cat would sit and stare mournfully in at their supper.

Maura finds as she gets further away from the old apartment, that she misses those things more than she'd thought she would.

"Ma?" Isla has taken out an earbud.

"Oh!" Jane pretends to be shocked. "Have you stopped Troye for me? An honor!"

Isla rolls her eyes, looking just like her mother. "Can we paint a chalkboard in my room?" she asks. "Remember when I had that? When I was little?"

Jane is momentarily speechless. "You remember that?"

Isla makes a disgruntled face. "Of course I remember that," she says. And then, like an afterthought, she murmurs. "Isla-bean. Mommy loves you more than anything."

Jane looks stunned enough that she might lose consciousness.

"Can I have one too?" Violet pipes up.

It is at that moment that the pull into the driveway of their new house, and without waiting for an answer, both kids jump out of the car and run toward the front porch.

Maura and Jane are left in the car, just sitting.

"She remembers that," Jane says softly.

"Of course she does," Maura answers. She pulls their linked hands to her lips. "Ready, lovely?"

There is still nothing better than watching Jane's eyes slip shut at that endearment.

"Yeah," Jane says. She reaches into her jeans pocket and pulls out a set of house keys, handing them over.

"Welcome home."


End file.
